Fear and Loathing After 9/11: In Dark Times, People Turn to Sports

(This story is intended to be an inspirational tale)

Has it been eight years already?

I realize that many of my articles have a tendency to be a form of gonzo history, in which I insert myself into the bigger picture of history.

That might be because my AP History teacher (as a senior in 2001) would always tell me to see, “the forest from the trees.”  Later that year, I could not help but notice a single dead tree within a forest along Old San Jose Road through the Santa Cruz Mountains.

I was in New York on September 1, 2001, which is when I took the included picture from the Liberty Island Ferry, a day that fundamentally shaped my outlook and actions on the future, when I was still coming of age at 18.  It is also why I deferred from moving to NYC, and instead resolved to blogging.

While I have made myself a thorn in the side of some, it is only because I am an incorrigible asker of big questions, though I only do so to improve others, not denigrate.  Yet, their response would be, “well, who are you to question me?”  Guess what?  I am an American, that’s who.

(By the way, I am not trying to equate myself with Hunter S. Thompson, I merely boosted the term “Fear and Loathing,” because I think it makes this article universally understandable.  I prefer to focus on discovery, free thought, and free-association more than *originality* and rigid rules of form, when it comes to blogging.  I write that knowing that I have become *rat-poison* to the “rats” in the corporate media).

 

V for Victory

The bigger picture is just the nature of blogging as media.  Pros would like to assume that bloggers are nut-jobs, cranks, and trolls, when the corporate media has a share of their own with people like Jay Mariotti and Pete Prisco. I blog for the art of argument, fiction, and to see the big picture from legitimate news sources (AP, BBC, NYT, WSJ, WP, NPR, Newsweek, Time, and occasionally other sources).

I specify legitimate sources, because there are bloggers that conjure some odd things. 

For instance, one blogger has surmised that there must be a conspiracy for if you divide 9/11 then the answer is the irrational number 0.81818181 (infinity).  Thus, if you consider that the eighth letter of the alphabet is H and that the first letter is A, then 9/11 = hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (infinity).

Some use blogging in order to assemble the news over the course of time, in order to show the big picture, which has a tendency to fall by the wayside in the mainstream media that must give priority to ratings and the news of the day, not how the news of the day relates to the news of yesterday.

At times, it does start to resemble the quixotic thought process of John Nash in A Beautiful Mind (2001). I realize that a statement like that would make people wonder if blogging is like playing with fire, and that it could lead a person to have imaginary friends (and enemies) and live in a make believe world.

So in my abstract defense of a hypothetical offense, I must say that I do have a life outside of blogging.  I go to clubs, I dance, and I have recently returned to school after a long battle with medical conditions.

 

Remember, Remember The 10th of September

People might scoff at the idea that I would have medical conditions, because I am in above-average shape. I was not always that way. I used to be a fat schlub, nearsighted and with breathing problems and chronic infections, amongst other things.

I figured, “Why lose weight, I’ll still be nearsighted?”  September 11, 2001 however, motivated me to improve.  Why?

I realized that I had dissipated as a teen, and that September 11 (three months after I graduated) was a wake-up call that I had taken things for granted.  That, at any moment, someone could kill you or me for a reason that did not matter, because you or I would be dead regardless of the reason.

Thus, I started doing push-ups between video game levels, between commercials, and eventually, preferred the exercise. After a while, I developed an inner critic that went from the voice of a generic drill sergeant to Simon Cowell.

Some people wonder if the desire to lose weight is just running from your demons, rather than addressing them directly. I was just running from an inner voice that sounded like Cowell and called me a “lousy maggot!”  (I think I watched Full Metal Jacket too much…or not enough).

I guarantee though that if Simon Cowell made a motivational DVD of Cowell-isms, it would create better artists than the Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul DVD.

Ultimately, I would develop cataracts, and thanks to my insurance through The Home Depot, I was able to pay for the surgery that not only corrected the cataracts, but changed my vision so that I no longer wear glasses (except readers). The same insurance also repaired the conditions that I had developed as a teen.

(I have vented about employees of The Home Depot in previous blogs, but at the same time, if it was not for the hard-work I put in at HD stores in Watsonville and Liberty Lake, I would not have rectified those conditions.  I am eternally grateful for the time I had there).

 

All in all, after September 11, I broke myself down and then built myself up

That is because sports are meant to inspire people to do great things, not resolve to be only a vicarious spectator.

Some people would like to believe that the only place to do great things is in sports, because that is the only place that “everyone” will care about it.

You can do great things within your communities and people will care, despite what Rudy Giuliani and Sarah “They Call Me Hockey Mom” Palin and even the Bengals fan, “Joe the Plumber,” think about community organizers.  (For some reason, “Joe the Plumber” has a politically quixotic sound to it, and makes me wonder if the GOP is just fighting windmills).

As Giuliani and Palin made clear at the GOP convention, community organizers are people to castigate and laugh at as worthless. In other words, Giuliani would like people to fear the events of September 11, 2001—but if you volunteer in order to inspire as a means to eviscerate fear induced by September 11, 2001, you’re a bum!

After 9/11, I was on the GOP bandwagon as Dennis Miller has been. After the 2008 election though, I saw their fork-tongued messages for what they really are. 

After all, the “Thousand Points of Light” speech by former President George H.W. Bush was about community involvement, while former President Ronald Reagan would comment that the morality of the day would be the same as the morality of the future on far-away planets.

Funnily enough, the GOP’s sense of community involvement seemed to end with the year that coincides with the movie title 2001: A Space Odyssey, which is a movie that always reminds of the phrase “Thousand points of light.”

 

“Do You Know the Way to San Jose?”

Some people might ask, “Why waste valuable intellectual energy on a topic like sports?”  My answer is simple, because the topic has no direct consequence in the real world.

If a team loses, it is not the end of the world (although, it can feel like it is).

Sports though can inculcate a reason to be motivated, which can affect the real world.  Frankly, I think, “Just Win, Baby’ is a far better maxim than, “Git-r-done,” which has been adopted by the US Air Force.

In the year 2000 the Raiders began a three-year run for the Super Bowl. Yes, it is true, not just a spin on a Conan O’Brien joke.

I became motivated by the likes of Jon Gruden, Rich Gannon, Jerry Rice, Tim Brown, and Al Davis in the emotional aftermath of September 11. 

All of whom were intense or tenacious and never gave-up even when the world thought they should.  Nowadays, people generalize the accomplishments made by the aforementioned people to contend for the Super Bowl when they had been written off as over-the-hill or crazy.

Why?

Because people prefer to gravitate towards their perception of perfection and the Raiders did not represent the perception of perfection, and yet, they could defeat the teams that did represent the perception of perfection.

And after all these years, I may lean on some old familiar ways, but that tree in the Santa Cruz Mountains along Old San Jose Road is now alive and well.

Just win, baby.

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My City of Ruins: 9/11 Benefit

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New Knick: Darko Milicic and Serbians Played On Even as the Bombs Fell

The Truth of Victory and Tangents on Trivial Things

The Greatest Game Never Played: Oakland Raiders @ New England Patriots

 

 

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Madden Cover Curse Strikes Again! Fitzgerald, Take Cover!

One of America’s most beloved video games “Madden” first entered our homes with the debut of John Madden Football in 1989. For about a decade, Madden himself graced the cover of each game.

This changed in ’99 when San Francisco 49ers running back Garrison Hearst graced the cover. This is when the Madden Curse began. From ’99 onward, each year a different, high-profile football player would be featured on the cover.

With the recent injury of Troy Polamalu (The latest cover athlete, shared with Larry Fitzgerald), I couldn’t resist bringing this issue back. The cover accolade is certainly an honor, but along with this honor has come a strange phenomenon. 

Virtually every cover athlete has suffered massive injuries, or decline in performance the next year. Call it a coincidence, nit-picking, or something to watch out for, but this article is dedicated to the not-so-lucky victims of Madden’s infamous Curse.

Madden ’01 Eddie George

Before Madden Cover: Started all 16 games in ’99 and rushed for 1300 yards while helping to lead the Titans to the Super Bowl.

After Madden Cover: Got better as a runner and even racked up 1500 yards, but here is where the Curse got started. In the 2000-01 divisional round of the playoffs against the Ravens, he had a costly fumble that helped lead to a shocking loss against the visiting wild card Ravens.

Verdict : Cursed

Madden ’02 Daunte Culpepper

Before Madden Cover: In 2000 Culpepper lead the Vikings to 11 wins, the division crown, and to within one game of the Super Bowl.  

After Madden Cover: His stats dropped considerably. He started five fewer games, went from 33 touchdowns to just 14, and the Vikings failed to reach the playoffs for the first time since the ’95 season.

Verdict: Cursed

Madden ’03 Marshall Faulk

Before Madden Cover: Faulk helped the Greatest Show on Turf go 14-2, light up the NFL and to Super Bowl XXXVI, before a shocking upset at the hands of the Patriots. Faulk put up exceptional numbers.

After Madden Cover: In 2002 Faulk and the Rams took a big step back. Faulk’s yardage dropped by 400 yards, and he rushed for four fewer touchdowns. He did manage to squeak out a seventh pro bowl appearance, but his team dropped all the way to 7-9, and out of the playoffs.

Verdict: Cursed

Madden ’04 Michael Vick

Before Madden Cover: Michael Vick electrified the NFL in 2002. He was named to the Pro Bowl, had one of his best seasons statistically, and even led the upstart Falcons to an upset win over the Packers in the playoffs.

After Madden Cover: In 2003, Vick missed all but four games with a broken leg. The Falcons fell apart without him and finished 5-11. This is a no-brainer.

Verdict: Cursed 

Madden ’05 Ray Lewis

Perhaps the one person who has legitimately avoided the cover curse. He hardly registered a drop in production and was an outstanding player all around.

Verdict: Curse Avoided

Madden ’06 Donovan McNabb

Before Madden Cover: McNabb was fresh off leading the Eagles to their fourth straight Conference Championship appearance and first Super Bowl appearance since the 1980 season. He was a pro bowler and had one of his greatest years as a pro.

After Madden Cover: McNabb missed seven games. Had a terrible fued with wide receiver Terrell Owens, suffered an obvious drop in production. And to top it off, the Eagles suffered their first losing season since ’99.

Verdict: Cursed

Madden ’07 Shaun Alexander

Before Madden Cover: In 2005, Alexander was the league MVP and set the record for most rushing touchdowns in a single season with 28.

After Madden Cover: His performance went in the tank. He ran for almost a 1000 fewer yards, and rushed for 20 fewer touchdowns. Not to mention the fact that his record for most rushing TDs in a season was broken in 2006 by LaDanian Tomlinson.

Verdict: Cursed

Madden ’08 Vince Young

Before Madden Cover: Vince led the upstart Titans to a record of 8-5 in games he started. He was named to the Pro Bowl and was named rookie of the year.

After Madden Cover: In 2007, he threw nine touchdowns to 17 interceptions. He managed to lead the Titans to the playoffs but played poorly in the game. He was eventually relieved of starting duty by Kerry Collins in week one of the ’08 season. He hasn’t started a game since.

Verdict: Mild Curse

Madden ’09 Brett Favre

Before Madden Cover: Brett rides off into the sunset after leading the Packers to one of their best seasons in years.

After Madden Cover: Opts out of retirement and undergoes offseason-long fued with Packers. He signs with the Jets, and they collapse after an 8-3 start. They finish 9-7 and miss the playoffs.

Verdict: Cursed

And now…

Madden ’10 Feat. Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu

Fresh off a Super Bowl win and at the height of his game, what could possibly go wrong for the Flyin’ Hawaiian? Well how bout an MCL tear in the second quarter of week one? He could miss up to six weeks. Madden Cover Curse strikes again. Sorry, Fitzgerald. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time.

Well perhaps there is strength in numbers. Maybe the curse can only affect one guy at a time. Maybe it won’t get good ol’ Larry Fitzgerald. Or just maybe it’s only a matter of time. For when featured on the Madden Cover, many will try but few will ever avoid that dreaded, awful…Madden Cover Curse.

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Week 1 NFL Betting Picks Preview

Week 1 of the NFL is finally here! You can start the grill, put down the tailgate, and prepare for the ultimate Sunday tradition again. Now that the games count again, what can you expect each team to do? You know at the very least that it will be nothing like last year.

Every year, the majority of the teams in the playoffs were not there the year before. This year should be no different. As easy as it would be to just look at the playoff teams from last year and pencil them in again, many of them will not be back. So what does Week One hold in store for the fans? Check out Week One NFL Football Picks by the World’s Top NFL Handicappers.

Kansas City vs. Baltimore (Baltimore -12 1/2). This game depends a lot on the injury situation with Matt Cassel. The Chiefs went out and spent $60 million on their franchise quarterback, and they will be a completely different team if he’s under center.

He’s been practicing all week, but is listed as questionable. The Ravens still boast one of the best defenses in the league. Expect a low scoring, slug-fest in Baltimore.

Philadelphia vs. Carolina (Philadelphia -2 1/2). Donovan McNabb gets to try out all of his new toys in the Philadelphia offense. He’s got a bolstered offensive line and a new receiver and running back to help carry the load.

On the other side of the ball, the Panthers still have a very solid team. They have a stellar running game and a tough defense. Will McNabb be able to toss the ball around or will the Panthers ground him before he gets started?

Denver vs. Cincinnati (Cincinnati -4). When you’re a four-point underdog to a team that won five games last year, it usually means you’ve had a pretty rough offseason.

In Denver, question marks abound. Will Brandon Marshall be ready to shut up and play ball? If so, the Denver offense might actually be decent with a pass-happy coach calling the shots.

On the other side, Carson Palmer appears ready to go after a season-ending injury last year. Will he return to form?

Minnesota vs. Cleveland (Minnesota -4). The Brett Favre era officially begins in Minnesota as they take the field against the Browns. Will he look like the Favre of old or the one that limped to the finish line last year?

If he looks good, Minnesota could be a team to be reckoned with. They also have a guy by the name of Adrian Peterson running the ball for them.

Cleveland’s defense will have a tough matchup against the running game of the Vikes.

New York Jets vs Houston (Houston – 4 1/2). The Texans will try to pick up where they left off last year with a top five offense. The question is, did they fix their defense yet?

The Jets have a new head coach in Rex Ryan, so they will have an emphasis on defense as well. Look for a good game in this one between two good teams.

Jacksonville vs Indianapolis (Indianapolis -7). No preseason surgery has kept Manning on the shelf this year. He has had a full offseason to practice with the team and should be ready to roll in Week One. Although they lost Marvin Harrison, they still have a slew of talent on offense.

Jacksonville has a lot of question marks that should be answered in Week One. How will Maurice Jones-Drew handle the spotlight?

Detroit vs New Orleans (New Orleans -13). Nothing like pairing the best offense in the league against the worst defense in the league from last season.

Detroit is hoping that things have changed in the offseason. New Orleans will still have a good offense with Drew Brees under center.

It will also be interesting to see the Matt Stafford era begin in the Motor City.

Dallas vs. Tampa Bay (Dallas -6). The T.O. show has officially left town in Big D, and they’re ready to put it behind them. Romo is healthy again and ready to throw the ball.

Tampa Bay basically threw everything out and started over after a 9-7 year last season. No one really knows what to expect from them.

San Francisco vs Arizona (Arizona -6). The defending NFC Champions look to kick off their defense in style against the Niners. If Kurt Warner can stay healthy again, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be a top offense again this year. They might even be better with new running back Beanie Wells in town.

The Niners are still waiting on Michael Crabtree to sign. Hopefully someone else can catch a ball in his absence.

Washington vs New York Giants (New York 6 1/2). The Giants will immediately try to create some chemistry in the passing game now that Burress is gone. They really don’t know who will step up, so expect a lot of running early in the game.

For Washington, we’ll get to see if the $100 million-man in Albert Haynesworth will make a difference.

St. Louis vs. Seattle (Seattle -8). Seattle has their quarterback healthy again as well as a shiny new receiver to throw to. They should have a pretty decent offense.

The Rams will be improved as well with a revamped offensive line and healthy quarterback. Expect a close game in this one.

Chicago vs. Green Bay (Green Bay -3 1/2). Green Bay is favored in this game, despite the Jay Cutler experiment in full bloom in Chicago. Will “Crybaby Jay” be able to lead the Bears to the upset?

Aaron Rodgers quietly had a solid season last year and looks to expand on that this year.

Buffalo vs. New England (New England -10 1/2). “The Golden Boy” returns to his throne in New England. Tom Brady will take the stage and look to bounce back from his season-ending injury last year. Will he immediately return to top form?

As if that wasn’t enough of a storyline, you’ve got T.O. taking the field for Buffalo. This should be a fun game to watch regardless of what happens.

San Diego vs. Oakland (San Diego -9). The Chargers are healthy and have all of their guns back for the opener.

On the other side of the ball, Jamarcus Russell will look to prove the doubters wrong. Will the Chargers roll or will the Raiders put everyone on notice?

Check out Vernon Croy’s Expert NFL Football Picks for Week One.

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Can Michigan Defend Notre Dame’s Aerial Assault?

A lot has been made out of Jimmy Clausen and the Notre Dame passing attack, especially after his last two outings.

Probably the most relevant question, if not the most important question is whether or not Michigan can defend this aerial assault. To answer that question in one word, I’d have to say yes.

To say yes is a pretty big statement to make, at least on the surface. Notre Dame has a very, very experienced offensive line that has provided excellent protection for Clausen as of late. The Irish also have an outstanding group of wide receivers and tight ends to throw to in Michael Floyd, Golden Tate and Kyle Rudolph.

Upon further review it seems that Michigan does have the athletes on defense to cover the weapons that Notre Dame has on their squad. It all begins up front of course, as Michigan has an outstanding defensive line led by senior defensive end Brandon Graham.

A strong pass rush will be crucial to the outcome of this game and the Wolverines were quite capable of blitzing Tim Hiller last week, so it will be interesting to see what they do against Notre Dame.

Keep in mind Western Michigan has one of the best offensive lines in their respective conference and Tim Hiller is a probable day one draft pick, and UM used a 3 and 4 man blitz with success.

Man to man matchups will be important as well with Donovan Warren and Boubacar Cissoko needing excellent days, particularly in the form of not getting burned in man coverage.

It all starts with Warren, a five star caliber corner who has the potential to be a shutdown guy. If Warren can eliminate his side of the field, or at least force Clausen to think twice then Michigan should have a good day.

Cissoko is also a former high school All-American, he and the rest of the secondary also impressed me last week with their ability to tackle in space. The cornerbacks and the safeties both have to continue with the same focus and intensity they showed last week in order for this outcome to be successful.

As well as defending the pass and generating a pass rush, defending the run will be highly important Saturday. The Linebackers have got to continue to flow to the ball well and the lineman need to get penetration into the backfield. If Michigan holds the Irish under 100 yards rushing, it may all but seal a victory for Big Blue!

Last but not least, it is important to watch Stevie Brown in this game. His move to outside linebacker is a genius coaching decision as he is perfectly suited to defending the run and playing close to the line of scrimmage.

What has been a liability for UM for three years has turned into a major strength.

Brown’s ability to play like another safety and cover slot receivers and tight ends is a secret weapon in Michigan’s arsenal, one that could be the most important on the defensive side of the ball Saturday.

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Green Bay: Which Players Looking to Rebound and What Will Newcomers Contribute?

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Black & Gold Xs & Os | Saints Offensive Gameplan Vs. Detroit

Update:  The West Hills Wolfpack Freshman Football team (I’m the Wide Receivers Coach) lost 28-0 yesterday, although they were only down 7-0 at the Half, and had about a 40 yard pass play near the end of the half, but could not score in four tries from the two-yard line. The Wolfpack are now 0-2, but are optimistic that they are improving as a team, even if the score may not say so.

As for the matchup the Saints have this weekend with the Lions, I would be remiss if I painted a picture of a grueling defense that strikes deep fear into Pete Carmichael and Sean Payton.

Truth be told, the Saints should light up the scoreboard early and often on Sunday. They should be able to run and throw the ball at will. It should be a beatdown similar to last year’s Week 16 matchup.

Lions Defensive Personnel & Overall Game Plan

The Lions base defense is a 4-3 with a lot of zone coverage and hard rushing defensive ends. It is similar to what you saw from Tennessee last night versus the Steelers– they try to get pressure from their front four, almost exclusively.

The difference between the two defenses is that Tennessee has the talent to make such a scheme work exceptionally well. Detroit is still lacking in the talent department.

Cliff Avril, defensive end, is a second-year player who is quick and has great athleticism, but lacks the strength to hold up in the run game. On the other side Detroit starts Dewayne White, a veteran who played some of the very good Tampa Bay defenses. This kind of gives it away as to what their overall system is.

As I already mentioned, they want to get pressure from their front four by speed rushing on the outside, and they sacrifice some ability to hold up in the middle or against the run, although White is solid against the run.

In the middle are Grady Jackson, a big huge veteran who is getting up there in years, and Sammie Hill, another second-year player. Together, they’re a formidable duo, but neither has the burst to consistently pressure the quarterback. And over the course of a game, neither can hold up against an attacking offensive line.

The linebackers are great in name, with Julian Peterson, Larry Foote, and Ernie Sims. The problem is that the defensive system doesn’t really fit Peterson’s strength–to get after the QB. He is forced to play coverage and doesn’t do that so well. In Nickel packages, though, he sometimes puts his hand on the ground and rushes, where he’s definitely more effective.

None of these guys are huge, or powerful enough to consistently play the run over the course of the game, and they all struggle in coverage.

Finally, the secondary, which is very talented but lacks the playmaking ability that can potentially cover up another defensive deficiencies.

Anthony Henry and Phillip Buchanon man the corner spots. Interestingly enough, both have actually a great deal of personal success against Mr. Brees, especially in opening-day games. Both have picked Brees off, and just last year Buchanon returned one for six points.

The safeties are Marquand Manuel, who was released by the Bengals not too long ago, and Louis Delmas, a rookie who I graded out as a fourth rounder last draft season.

Both lack the necessary instincts to make plays over the middle consistently. Both will come up and play the run a little bit, but can be had on playaction as well.

The Lions will play a lot of Cover Two and Cover Three with an effort to keep the ball in front of them. This means an offense can throw underneath and eat them up by methodically moving the ball.

What the Saints Will Likely Do On Offense

First & Second Down

Look for Sean Payton to be very aggressive on first down, with reverses, playaction, and deep routes. The Lions play first down pretty conservatively, meaning being aggressive against that is in the Saints favor.

In the running game, Reggie Bush could be used effectively outside zone (stretch) running plays, where the line seals off the edge, allowing Bush to use his speed and go one-on-one with a safety. This play will be most effective out of a two-back set, because that will allow for the Lions to play a more aggressive set with their linebackers up on the line, making them more reachable to block.

Two backs brings the linebackers up, which also makes playaction more effective. Expect some seam routes to be caught by Jeremy Shockey, but also for receivers to flood the flats off playaction with receivers clearing out, in order to get a Bush, Shockey, or Thomas/Bell out in space. For that matter, Heath Evans also could see the ball out there some this week as well.

Robert Meachem or Devery Henderson are pretty much locks to get a reverse in this game, and maybe they both will since the ends are not very disciplined or quick enough to react and make a play.

I would also look for Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, and Robert Meachem to be constant deep threats running down the sidelines when Brees sees the Lions in a Cover Two defense. He will try to hit that “9 route” in between the corner who is on the receiver’s hip, and the safety trying to come over.

One-back sets will allow for cutback runs against this defense, especially with motion away from the play, as that will cause the defense’s strength to change. The cutback is similar to the stretch in that you are trying to seal off an edge, in this case up the middle. The running back starts off going one direction for a step or two, and then cuts back through a gaping hole up the middle. Thomas or Bell are the likely ball-carriers on this play.

Finally, the Counter Trey and Trap, where lineman on the opposite side of the run pull to cut off a rushing end or backer, will be effective. The running back must follow the lineman pulling until he sees daylight, and then explode through that hole. Any back would be effective on this kind of run.

Third Down

The Lions do not make radical changes on third down, and they stay rather conservative, mostly only rushing four, with an occasional fifth. Against pocket passers, they try to blow up the “A Gap” by bringing everyone in it, which is where a blitzer could come outside. However, they haven’t shown that too much.

As a result, protection can be pretty standard, and five receivers can get out into the pattern. Marques Colston will be effective in the slot running Seam Routes, Dig Routes, and Crossing Routes against the occasional man-to-man look.

Meachem and Henderson can stretch the defense deep, but are also good guys to have run across the middle on third down to catch and run with the ball. The screen game to the running backs can be effective in a 3 x 1 set away from the three-receiver side.

In short-yardage situations the Lions bring everybody up, again making playaction a nice option. When running the football, the Lions can be sealed off, which can be done effectively pulling a tackle or guard to the side of the run and having a tight end block down, with the play going between the tight end and the tackle. Having a fullback lead up the hole can also be effective on inside runs up the middle.

Red Zone

In the Red Zone, the Lions like to crowd the line of scrimmage. They also play man-to-man, which is great news for Marques Colston, as that boundary fade route that he and Brees connect on so well will be open. The slant route that the Saints generally love down there, will likely not be open.

The running game really is the same as in short-yardage situations. But because the Lions play man in the red zone, crossing routes, which lead to rubs, are going to be open. 

Playaction also will be effective, especially with a tight end or running back getting out to the flat where Brees can hit him on the run and let him do the rest.

Two-Minute Offense

Expect the Saints to use their base two-minute offense, while being patient, and allowing the big play to open up. The Saints run one of the best two-minute offenses, so against a poor defense I am not too worried about its scheme. It will be fine.

Final Analysis

I mentioned Jeremy Shockey’s name quite a bit in this preview. That’s because he is a perfect fit for this defense that the Lions play. In truth, so is Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, and Robert Meachem. The running game should go well over 100 yards, and the team should score at least four touchdowns.

This should be a nice tuneup for the Eagles a week from now. Hopefully, the whole team can avoid injuries and be at full strength as Philadelphia is always a tough win, especially early in the year.   

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10 Bold Predictions for the NFL Season

 

 

I am an NFL addict. And no, addict is not too strong a word.  You should see me during the offseason. I watch the NFL Network with the same intensity of a man who watches the home videos he made with the ex-girlfriend who just broke up with him. I go through withdrawal symptoms like night sweats, body aches, and visions of Clinton Portis dancing in my head. I basically turn into Pookie from New Jack City. 

And I use every opportunity to talk like Peter King, even when I’m watching Dancing With The Stars with my 70-year-old grandmother.

“OK Grandma. Here’s the three things you need to know about Shawn Johnson. She’s the best athlete in the history of the show. She’s an Olympic gold medalist so the pressure won’t bother her. And her cha-cha-cha to Michael Jackson’s P.Y.T. is one of the best dances of the season.”

“That’s nice Keith. Now when the commercials come on I want you to help your grandma find her dentures. I’ve lost my dang teeth again!!”

Now that the greatest sport in America is back, I can gladly get my weekly fix.

And without further ado, here’s my 10 bold predictions for the upcoming season.

 

The Washington Redskins will miss the playoffs and Jim Zorn will be fired at the end of the season.

As a Redskin fan, I have to mention my team first. After watching last night’s game, and seeing Ben Roethlisberger break the all-time record for most pump fakes, I’m convinced the addition of Albert Haynesworth will give us the pass rush we desperately need. Big Ben had all the time in the world to throw the ball last night because Tennessee couldn’t get near him.

Now that we have Haynesworth occupying so much space, Phillip Daniels, Andre Carter, and our electrifying rookie Brian Orakpo should be able to get considerable pressure on the quarterback. I love our defense and I expect it to, once again, be amongst the league’s best. 

But our biggest problems will come from the other side of the ball. Last season the Redskins were the fourth worst scoring team in the league (16.6). Did we improve in the offseason? No. We still don’t have a proven No. 2 receiver. Our offensive line has more mileage than a 1967 Chevy. I’m afraid our infinitely likable quarterback (Jason Campbell) will be running for his life like one of those kids in the new Rob Zombie Halloween movie. It doesn’t help that we play in the brutal NFC East and that we play the toughest second-half schedule that we’ve had in years.

I predict an 8-8 season resulting in team owner Dan Snyder firing Jim Zorn and signing Mike Shanahan to the richest coaching contract in NFL history.

 

The New York Giants will win the toughest division in football.

I predict that three teams will make the playoffs out of the NFC North primarily because the teams in the NFC East will beat the hell out of each other and because the NFC East play a tougher slate of games than the NFC North. The last two seasons, no team in the NFC East finished with a losing record. I predict the same thing this season. There will be an 8-8 team, a 9-7 team, and two 10-6 teams.  And the team that will win the division will be the New York Giants.

I have never been much of an Eli Manning fan. In fact, I used to joke that if you looked up the word Eli in a dictionary it would say “someone who is not as good as his brother.” I also hate the Giants receivers: Steve Smith? Domenik Hixon? Ramses Barden?  

Sorry. Not interested.

I pick the G-Men to win the division because of their stout running game (Ahmad Bradshaw, Brandon Jacobs) and because I believe they have the best pass rush in the league. That defense was the biggest reason the Giants won the Super Bowl two years ago.  With the welcome return of Osi Umenyiora to a defense that finished fifth a year ago, I expect New York to emerge as the last team standing in the league’s roughest division.

 

The Houston Texans will win the AFC South.

Waiting for the Texans to explode is like waiting for Bruce Banner to get mad and turn into the Incredible Hulk. Eventually, it’s going to happen. There’s too much talent down in H-Town for it to not happen. When Matt Schaub is healthy, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the league. The weapons he has at his disposal makes fantasy owners weak in the knees.

Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game. Steve Slaton had a monster rookie season last year. Owen Daniels is a terrific tight end. Kevin Walter is one of the best No. 2 receivers in the league.  

Last year the Texans were the third-best offense in the NFL. If Schaub stays healthy and if the Texans improve their turnover margin (last year’s -10 was third worst), then I predict a division title for this young, hungry team. After teasing us with 8-8 seasons the past two years, now is the time for the Texans to get mad, turn green, and run over the AFC South.  

Which I predict they will.

 

It will be a long season in Denver.

First the Jay Cutler debacle, followed by the Brandon Marshall debacle. Seriously, has any rookie head coach ever had a worse start to his career than Josh McDaniels?

I was shocked when the Broncos traded Jay Cutler. He’s a diva. He’s arrogant. He’s a spoiled brat. So freaking what? All the great players have ego issues. You simply don’t trade the best young quarterback in the league because he’s a diva! Just let him pout until he gets sick of pouting.

Kyle Orton is a decent quarterback and I feel that all of the blame for this season’s failures will be placed on him. And that’s not fair. The reason the Broncos suffered a catastrophic meltdown last season (they lost their last three games by a total of 58 points) is because their defense quit on the team (costing Mike Shanahan his job).  

Did they improve their defense this off-season?  

Well, their only marquee move was to sign 36-year-old free agent Brian Dawkins so I don’t expect to see much improvement.

And did the Broncos piss off somebody in the NFL’s front office? I was looking at their schedule the other day and a chill went down my spine:

October 4th (Dallas at home), October 11th (New England at home), October 19th (Monday night in San Diego), a bye, November 1st (at Baltimore), November 9th (Monday night at home vs. Pittsburgh), November 15th (Washington on the road), November 22 (home to San Diego), and Thanksgiving night (at home vs. the Giants).

Eight straight games against playoff contenders? What the hell? I ask again, did the Broncos piss off somebody in the NFL’s front office?

Even if they had Cutler, that 8-game stretch would still kill them.

 

Jay Cutler will be the biggest athlete in Chicago since Michael Jordan.

Kudos to me for finding out a way to include “His Airness” in this NFL column on the weekend MJ gets inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame. I know, this prediction gets a big fat “duh!” But I can’t get over how excited this city is to have him. I’ve never seen anything like it.  

How long do you think it will take Lorne Michaels to bring back George Wendt to do the old “Da Bears” sketch on Saturday Night Live?  

And how long is it going to take Devin Hester and Greg Olsen to become elite players?  

One month? Two months? Immediately?

Few players in professional sports are worthy of the hype that they receive. Jay Cutler is worthy. He’s only 26. He has the strongest arm in the league, an enormous amount of swagger, and runs a better bootleg than Al Capone. So enjoy him Bears fans because that dude is an amazing quarterback.

 

The Green Bay Packers will lead the league in scoring.

Last season, Aaron Rodgers rewarded the Packer Nation’s faith in him by having a spectacular season (28 touchdowns, 4,038 yards, 93.8 passer rating).  This season expect for him to be even better as a healthy Ryan Grant returns to his 2007 form.  Last season, with Grant hobbled by hamstring issues, the Pack finished 6-10 including an embarrassing 1-7 record in games decided by five points or less.  A healthy running game, led of course by Ryan Grant, will make them a much better fourth quarter team.

No other quarterback in the league has more targets than Aaron Rodgers.  If you want to see an aerial show that doesn’t involve the threat of a plane crash, stay home and watch the Packers. Rodgers will divide his passes between Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Donald Lee, and the exciting tight end Jermichael Finley.

Last season, Green Bay had one of the toughest schedules in the league.  Not so this year. The Pack play the Lions (twice), the Bengals, the Browns, the Rams, the Bucs, the 49ers, and the Cardinals. Not only will they lead the league in scoring, Aaron Rodgers has a great chance to be league MVP.

 

Brett Favre’s return to Lambeau will be the most hyped regular season game in NFL history.

The most hyped game in recent memory was on November 4th, 2007 when the 9-0 New England Patriots faced off against the 7-0 (and defending champions) Indianapolis Colts.

Brett Favre’s return to Lambeau Field as a Minnesota Viking will dwarf that. It will also dwarf Michael Vick’s return to Atlanta. The media will cover this game like its the Super Bowl. People will go crazy over it. And really, who could blame them? This Brett Favre tragicomedy is like a William Shakespeare play. It has all of the Shakespearean elements: greed, betrayal, revenge, envy. I have never seen anything like it before in all my years of following American sports. 

The one thing that the NFL has over all the other sports leagues is that it has the best storylines. And no storyline could be better than the Super Bowl-winning, record-shattering quarterback, the single most beloved person in the history of the state of Wisconsin, going to the hated Minnesota Vikings.  It’s like a storyline straight from Vince McMahon.  The only thing missing is Favre, walking out onto Lambeau Field with the sound system blaring “Loser” by Beck as his former fans yell obscenities at him.

Now that would be great TV.

 

The Oakland Raiders will finish with the worst record in football.

A terrible owner (Al Davis). A head coach (Tom Cable) who punches out his assistant coach. A franchise quarterback (JaMarcus Russell) who must convince the league that he’s not a total bust. A respected defensive player who is refusing to show up after he was unceremoniously traded there (Richard Seymour). A schedule that has them playing the NFC East, a road game in Houston, and their final game against a Baltimore team that will be fighting for a playoff position.

Be afraid Raider fans.  Be deathly afraid.

 

The Carolina Panthers won’t make the playoffs leading to John Fox’s dismissal.

As I was watching Jake Delhomme deliver the worst playoff performance in NFL history last December, I kept saying to myself: “I think his career is over.”

I knew he would play quarterback again, but I knew his days as a top-tier quarterback were over. There have been plenty of instances in which an athlete was so horrendous during a pressure packed situation that it caused irreversible harm to his career and that player was never looked at the same. The biggest one that comes to mind is Nick Anderson of the Orlando Magic who fell off the face of the Earth after he missed four free throws in Game one of the 1995 NBA Finals.

Anderson, a solid player before that, was never the same again.

Jake Delhomme is in that boat. The man turned the ball over six times in a playoff game! Six freaking times! I don’t think you can come back from that. I don’t care that the Panthers have a phenomenal running game, Delhomme is a bigger basket case than Danny DeVito in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!

I predict that Carolina, who has the second toughest schedule in the league, won’t make the playoffs which will end John Fox’s eight-year reign as head coach.

And who do I think will replace him?

Raleigh native Bill Cowher, that’s who.

 

The New England Patriots will defeat the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl.

The Pats, with the welcome return of Tom Brady, will regain their 2007 form. I watched Brady when the Pats played the Skins in the preseason and he looked awesome. He looked healthy. He had his swagger back. He was accurate. Like all the great players, he has this uncanny ability to inspire his teammates to elevate their level of play.  Say what you want about Bill Belichick, but he is the best coach in the league when it comes to preparation. The Patriots are always prepared and Tom Brady, who in 2007 had such an incredible killer instinct that I wrote about it in my blog, is motivated to show the world that he’s back.  

As far as the Patriots competition in the AFC is concerned, the Steelers running game has gone from bad to worse, the Titans looked poised to take a step back, the Ravens are missing a play-making wide receiver, and the Chargers are coached by Norv Turner.

As far as the Packers, their defense stunk last season. So what did they do?  They went out and hired defensive guru Dom Capers who looks to install the 3-4 that has been so successful for him over the years. Remember the Packers play a lightweight schedule. And they didn’t go through a dramatic makeover like the Vikings who are praying Brett Favre doesn’t break down and the Bears who are still one offensive player away from being a contender.

What could be better than having a Super Bowl that features two of the most storied franchises in the NFL?

I tell you what.  It’ll be the perfect ending to yet another wild and wacky season.

 

 

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Steelers-Titans Opener: What I Learned

The Pittsburgh Steelers opened the 2009 regular season with a hard hitting 13-10 overtime win over the Tennessee Titans. It was a physical game with a lot of yards but not many points. The defending champions extended their opening game win streak to seven, going back to the 2002 season. However, I have not seen more worrying after a win than last night’s game. Here is what I learned and concluded:

 

1. The Bruce Arians Problem: The Steelers offense struggled mightily when offensive coordinator Bruce Arians called the plays. QB Ben Roethlisberger looked lackadaisical early in the game, missing receivers and throwing interceptions (one of them a Hail Mary to end the half). Even worse, Arians’s play calling is so predictable that I can’t even make jokes about it anymore, mostly because it is a joke in itself.

However, when the Steelers ran the no-huddle and Roethlisberger called the plays, the Steelers looked sharp and scored a touchdown to Santonio Holmes. In the second half, the Steelers also ran the no-huddle on the game tying series only to go back to Arians calling the plays, which led to a field goal, not a touchdown.

If anyone saw the Steelers play last season, they would know how effective Roethlisberger was running the no-huddle. Now what I conclude is not something as drastic as Big Ben and the offense run the no-huddle full time a la Peyton Manning and the Colts but something else.

The Steelers should not have let the shine of the Lombardi Trophy blind them from the truth. Bruce Arians should not have been retained after last season. The Steelers won the title in spite of many things, one of those being the offensive play calling.

Arians should be let go before he costs the team some games like he did last season.  Ken Anderson, who also has a strong relationship with Roethlisberger, should be the offensive coordinator.

I don’t know how Anderson, the former underrated QB for the Bengals, would be as the play-caller but for the last several seasons, Arians has not done anything to convince me that he is worthy of being the play-caller.

2. The Running Game is AWOL: In the past, the Steelers would have lost badly whenever Willie Parker and the running game was as putrid as it was last night. However, Roethlisberger and the receiving corps kept the Steelers in the game and eventually won it in overtime.

Parker, who is in a contract season, looked like he was the undrafted free agent that he was, not the Pro Bowl runner he was in 2007 and 2006. As for Rashard Mendenhall, he did not impress either. With each carry, he looked more and more like a draft bust instead of the stud he was at Illinois.

The best running back last night was Mewelde Moore, who was the unsung hero of the Steelers offense for much of last season and played the role again last night. Parker and Mendenhall got benched for much of the second half and Moore got majority of the snaps.

What I conclude is this. Tomlin made the right move in going with the hot guy, which was Moore last night. However, if Parker can’t get going any time soon, he will not get that big money deal that he so desperately wants. As for Mendenhall, he could be the worst Steelers first round pick since Jamain Stephens. I hope both Parker and Mendenhall prove me wrong real soon.

3. The Offensive Line is Not As Bad As It Looked: The Steelers offensive line gave up four sacks last night but only one I could say was given up by the offensive line. On two occasions Roethlisberger held the ball too long and scrambled into a sack and on another occasion, Roethlisberger did not see Jevon Kearse coming in untouched, thus did not make the hot read.

Now I am not going to anoint the offensive line as the best thing ever, but they did OK and was not horrible, especially in the second half. The run blocking could be much better and I think it will get better. After all, the Titans do have a good defensive line even without Albert Haynesworth and they showed it last night.

While I have advocated for right tackle Willie Colon and right guard Trai Essex to switch positions, they held their own in the second half and overtime. I hope that the line gels as a unit and gets much better before Roethlisberger gets seriously injured. Speaking of Big Ben…..

4. Until Tom Brady Proves His Knee is Good to Go for the Entire 2009 Season, Roethlisberger is the Best QB in the League Right Now: That’s right, as of this moment, matter of fact since last season’s playoff run, Roethlisberger has done nothing but win games with his arm.

Yes, he holds on to the ball too long. Yes, he takes too many sacks. Yes, he does not look smooth as Brady and Peyton Manning in the pocket. Yes, he does not look like a classic QB. So what? All Roethlisberger did last night was throw for 363 yards and win the game in overtime.

Remember all the dissenters who kept saying that whenever Roethlisberger throws the ball more than 30 times a game that the Steelers would lose? I don’t think so. Big Ben has not been a “game manager” for a long time.

This is his team and he showed last night that he can fight the obstacles and win games once again. Last night was his 18th game winning drive in the 4th quarter or overtime in his career.

Since he came into the league in 2004, no QB has led his team to more game winning drives than Roethlisberger. Given that he has two rings and has won over 50 games in just five plus seasons, it is time to put Roethlisberger in the same pedestal as Brady.

5. Santonio Holmes=Superstar: Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes showed that he was more than just deep speed last night. He essentially became Roethlisberger’s number one target when the stakes got higher.

Potential Hall of Fame receiver Hines Ward put up excellent numbers last night, going over 100 yards again, but Holmes is slowly becoming the main man in PIttsburgh. Now entering his fourth season and only 25 years old, Holmes is primed to enter the world that only Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson, Calvin Johnson, and Anquan Boldin live in, the world of young superstar receivers.

6. Troy Polamalu’s MCL: As of this morning, the diagnosis of MCL sprain to Troy Polamalu’s knee is still holding. This means that Polamalu will likely miss 3 to 6 weeks. MCL sprain of course is the same injury that Hines Ward played with in last season’s Super Bowl.

Polamalu looked like the NFL defensive player of the year just in the first half. That interception with rookie Kenny Britt pushing off on him was just amazing but not surprising considering who pulled it off. The tackle for loss on Chris Johnson was so typical Polamalu that no one should be surprised. 

I hope that Tyrone Carter and Ryan Mundy can hold the fort for the next month or so before Polamalu comes back healthy. I hope that the Steelers play this injury very carefully. I have seen Polamalu come back too early from injury and look like a lesser player, not the same old Polamalu (see 2006 season, especially against the Ravens that season).

7. There will be no Super Bowl hangover with this team: In the 2006 season, the Steelers began the year horribly 2-6 before scrambling for a disappointing 8-8 season. That 2006 team was just happy to have won the Super Bowl and they played like it.

They quit against the Jaguars in week two, gave the game away thanks to Ricardo Colclough against the Bengals in week three, and so on. Mike Tomlin will not allow this team to rest on their laurels because Tomlin still coaches like he has something to prove.

This is no knock on Bill Cowher in his final season in Pittsburgh; after all, he did finally win one after years of coming up short. I would be relieved too if I was Cowher. However, this team is much different than the 2006 team in many ways. I only hope that the offense finally smartens up, the offensive line gels, and no one else misses too many games.

Next game: Sept. 20 at Chicago.

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FantasyDC Staff Predictions

Although we at Fantasy Depth Chart tend to focus strictly on Fantasy Football news and analysis, we like to think of ourselves as well rounded football minds.

That being said, we present to you now our 2009-10 NFL predictions. Included are our best guesses for each division champion as well as the wild cards, conference champions, and, of course, the Superbowl Champion.

Below that you will find a few interesting fantasy football questions that were answered by each of the participating Fantasy Depth Chart writers. With the season opener only hours away, we felt this was a great time to release this and we hope you all enjoy it.

Be sure to plaster our comments section with why every response we gave is completely wrong. That’s what we live for. Enjoy…

	Staff Consensus	Mike Clay	Daniel Smith
AFC East Champ	Patriots (7)	Patriots	Dolphins
AFC North Champ	Steelers (7)	Steelers	Ravens
AFC South Champ	Colts (5)	Colts	Titans
AFC West Champ	Chargers (8)	Chargers	Chargers
NFC East Champ	Eagles (5)	Eagles	Eagles
NFC North Champ	Packers (6)	Packers	Packers
NFC South Champ	Falcons (6)	Panthers	Saints
NFC West Champ	Seahawks (4)	Seahawks	Cardinals
AFC Wildcards	Ravens (5)	Ravens	Patriots
	Dolphins (3)	Dolphins	Steelers
NFC Wildcards	Vikings (4)	Vikings	Vikings
	Giants (4)	Giants	Giants
AFC Champ	Patriots (3)	Patriots	Patriots
NFC Champ	Eagles (4)	Eagles	Eagles
Superbowl Champ	Eagles (3)	Eagles	Patriots
Fantasy Football MVP	Peterson/Rodgers (2)	Steven Jackson	Adrian Peterson
Top Fantasy QB	Brees/Rodgers (3)	Aaron Rodgers	Drew Brees
Top Fantasy RB	Adrian Peterson (3)	Steven Jackson	Adrian Peterson
Top Fantasy WR	Andre Johnson (3)	Randy Moss	Larry Fitzgerald
Top Fantasy TE	Jason Witten (4)	Dallas Clark	Dallas Clark
Top Fantasy K	Nate Kaeding (4)	Stephen Gostkowski	Kris Brown
Top Fantasy D/ST	Ravens (3)	Steelers	Vikings
Top Fantasy IDP	Patrick Willis (3)	Patrick Willis	Demeco Ryans
Fantasy Defensive Rookie of the Year	Aaron Curry (3)	Rey Maualuga	Aaron Curry
Fantasy Offensive Rookie of the Year	Moreno/Brown/Harvin (2)	Knowshon Moreno	Donald Brown
Fantasy Breakout player	Thomas/Ryan (2)	Ray Rice	Leon Washington
Biggest Fantasy Disappointment	Terrell Owens (2)	Michael Turner	Terrel Owens

…

Read More

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NFL Week 2 Predictions (Part 2)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Miami at Atlanta (-4)

The Dolphins, last year’s surprise AFC East champions, may find the road to a division title a bit more bumpy, what with a healthy Tom Brady in New England, an eager Terrell Owens in Buffalo, and Brett Favre out of New York.

That doesn’t mean the ‘Fins don’t expect to repeat, despite the rigors of the AFC East slate, as well as contests with the Colts, Chargers, Titans, and Steelers, all playoff teams in 2008.

“That’s right,” said Ricky Williams, from the comfort of his bubble-windowed, 1979 Chevrolet Vantastic, nicknamed the ‘Van Wilder,’ as Jefferson Airplane’s ‘White Rabbit’ fills the stereo speakers. “We’ve got goals. There’s no reason to believe we can’t repeat as champions. Heck, expectations are so high that the 1972 Dolphins are pulling for us to lose.

“One thing is for sure. With Bill Parcell’s micro-managing, and Tony Sparano coaching, we will be well-prepared. ‘Sparano’ may sound a lot like ‘Soprano,’ but Coach Tony’s got no connections to the mafia, or garbage collection. He’ll never wake up in bed next to a horse’s head, but he does have an office in the stadium next to a horse’s ass.”

The Falcons and rookie quarterback Matt Ryan tasted success last year, earning a wildcard berth with an 11-5 record. Obviously, the goal this year is to surpass last year’s accomplishments, a task that won’t be easy in the competitive NFC South.

“We shocked the world last year,” says Ryan. “This year, we’re the worst-kept secret in the NFL. We’re ‘out of the closet,’ so to speak. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Last year, the Dolphins found success running the “Wildcat” formation, a ploy which opponents will be expecting this year. To keep opponents guessing, Miami will run the formation less often, but with greater attention to detail, an offensive philosophy Sparano calls “More Pounce For the Ounce.”

Ronnie Brown rushes for a score, and Chad Pennington plays mistake-free.

Miami wins, 22-17

 

Washington at NY Giants (-6½)

In the offseason, Eli Manning signed a $97 million contract extension, making him the highest paid quarterback in the NFL.

Meanwhile, upstate and up the river, Plaxico Burress was sentenced to two years in prison for felony weapons charges stemming from an incident in which he shot himself in a nightclub. Burress was the key to the Giants’ big-play offense, and Eli Manning hopes someone will step up to fill that void.

“Obviously, we lost some firepower when Plaxico went rogue,” said Manning. “I visited him in the slammer, which really made his day, and it showed. So much so that my first words to him were ‘Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?’ Luckily, he did have a pistol in his pocket. It was made of soap, though.”

When free agency opened this winter, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder did his best “Pacman Jones at a strip club” impression, tossing money at the shapely Albert Haynesworth to the tune of $100 million over seven years. We’re all well aware of the appetite of the 350-pound former Titan; it remains to be seen, however, whether Snyder can “eat” $100 million if Haynesworth doesn’t return the desired results.

Is rookie wide receiver Hakeem Nicks the answer to the G-Men’s need for a big-play receiver? The Giants seem to think so, or maybe it’s just wishful thinking, thus Nicks’ nickname “The Dream.”

More importantly, though, is the return of defensive lineman Osi Umenyiora, who will lead a very good New York defense. And, in New York, defense is key. Why? Because it allows Manning to post stat lines like 9 completions on 21 attempts for 130 yards, a touchdown, and 2 interceptions…and still win.

New York wins a low-scoring affair, 17-13

 

San Francisco at Arizona (-6½)

Can the Cards rekindle the magic that led them to the cusp of a Super Bowl victory last season? Kurt Warner seems to think so; after flirting with the 49ers, Warner resigned with Arizona.

“Kurt is the key to this team’s fortunes,” said Larry Fitzgerald. “He’s in great shape. You know, Matt Leinart may have utilized mixed martial arts in his training, but Kurt’s most famous for his mixed marital arts skills. It’s a little-known fact, but Kurt used to be married to a man. Then, all of a sudden, his ‘wife’ grew her hair, got pretty, and became a woman. It’s those kinds of dramatic transformations that make this team special. We went from a middling 8-8 team in 2007 to the Super Bowl last year.”

The 49ers and first-round pick Michael Crabtree have remained at an impasse for months in contract talks, with the two sides nowhere near reaching a deal. Crabtree and his agent are demanding a ridiculously lucrative contract, while the 49ers have refused to budge, saying Crabtree’s draft position doesn’t warrant such a deal.

And speaking of “warrant,” Crabtree’s cousin and former bail bondsman, David Wells, has been “advising” Crabtree in contract talks.

“There’s a difference in ‘asking’ for money,” said 49er backup quarterback Alex Smith, “and ‘axin’ for money. Clearly, when you bring in a jive-talking, jack-booted, chicken-necked bail bondsman into contract talks, you’re ‘axin.’ What kind of advice can Wells give? Ten percent up front and the rest when Crabtree shows up? It doesn’t work like that. Contract negotiation is a game of give and take. When San Fran signed me, they gave me a lot of money, and I took it.”

The Cards have their own disgruntled wide receiver in Anquan Boldin. But there’s a difference in Boldin and Crabtree—Boldin’s in uniform, and he’s a pro. Boldin takes advantage of the double- and triple-teams on Fitzgerald, and grabs 10 catches for 125 yards and a score.

Arizona wins, 30-24

 

St. Louis at Seattle (-7½)

Jim Mora, Jr. takes over for the retired Mike Holmgren in Seattle, and he’s not the only new face in town. Seattle acquired free agent wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh in March, then the ‘Hawks signed free agent running back Edgerrin James in August. The new additions are expected to make an immediate impact on a Seahawks offense starved for scoring threats.

“Personally, I’m thrilled to have those guys,” says Matt Hasselbeck. “T.J.’s a serious red zone threat, plus he’s an Oregon State alum. It never hurts to have one more reason to say ‘nice beaver.’

“As for the Edge, there was a time when he was the ‘gold standard’ for running backs. And I’m not talking about dental work. He’s led the NFL in rushing before. From what I see in practice, he’s still got it. And that includes impeccable timing. He left the Colts and they won the Super Bowl the following year. The Cardinals went to the Super Bowl, and he left the following year. So, it seems the sooner we get rid of him, the sooner we’ll return to NFL prominence.”

Seahawks win, 31-13

 

Chicago at Green Bay (-3½)

The outlook for the Bears improved as soon as Jay Cutler arrived from Denver via a trade.

Word around the league is that the unhappy Cutler got out of Denver so fast he got the bends. But upon arrival, and after adjusting to a new time zone and life at sea level, Cutler could not hide his excitement at becoming a Bear.

“I’m not sure what excites me more,” said the sleepy-eyed Cutler. “Being a Bear, or not being a Bronco. I’m just happy to be appreciated, although I have no idea what it’s like to be appreciative. I am to football what Kanye West is to music. Or maybe I think I am to football what Kanye thinks he is to music.”

Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers, one year after replacing Brett Favre, will now have to face the former Packer quarterback, at some point this year.

“Twice, if he doesn’t retire early,” says Rodgers. “Look, I know my one year as Green Bay’s starter doesn’t even compare to Favre’s tenure here. You won’t see me using the word ‘legendary’ in reference to myself. However, I do reserve the right to name my new ice cream shoppe venture the ‘Legend Dairy.’

“As for Jay Cutler, I think it’s great he’s in the NFC North. He’ll force defenses to adapt to his style. Myself? I’ve already adapted to his style. I’ve developed a dislike for him already.”

Cutler and Rodgers could develop a personal rivalry much like Cutler had with Philip Rivers. That is, assuming Rodgers is immature enough to engage in the type of childish rivalry that was Cutler vs Rivers.

Bears win, 30-27

 

Buffalo @ New England (-10½)

Tom Brady is back under center for the Patriots, and no one is happier about that than Brady himself. After a year spent rehabbing his left knee, as well as catering to every whim of his pregnant wife, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, Brady is healthy and ready to lead the Patriots back to the playoffs.

“Don’t hate me because she’s beautiful,” said Brady. “And don’t hate me because I’m ‘hussy’-whipped. I’m chomping at the bit to get back on the field. Domestic life has its advantages, but I’d much rather be facing a 240-pound blitzing safety than a 170-pound lactating Brazilian.”

The Bills are relatively the same team from last year, with one major addition: Terrell Owens is now a Bill but still a pill. Some may know him as the most dominating force in football. Still others, like 49ers, Eagles, and Cowboys, may know him as the one player whose skills at disrupting a secondary are topped only by his skills at disrupting an entire team.

“To say Terrell is a good teammate is like saying Marshawn Lynch is a good driver,” said head coach Dick Jauron. “But don’t worry, before signing him, we did a thorough background check, including academic records, where we discovered that T.O. failed chemistry in high school and college. After processing all the information gathered, we decided to ignore it and sign him anyway. I got a little reminiscent, because it reminded me of the Bills process in hiring me back in 2006.”

The Bills will throw a lot to Owens, because they’ll have to, especially after falling behind 14-0. The Pats suffer a scare early in the third quarter when Brady goes down without being hit. He remains on the ground for 10 minutes before the training staff determines that it was simply a contraction.

New England wins, 34-17

 

San Diego at Oakland (+9)

Oakland Raiders lore is replete with defining moments, including three Super Bowls, head-hunting defensive backs, the “Fumblerooski,” non-consensual sex, stickum, mickey-slipping, amoral kickers, Ray Guy, owner ignorance, the “tuck rule,” and outrageous contracts, to name a few. The instances of fame and those of infamy are practically equal.

That is, until July, when head coach Tom Cable slugged assistant coach Randy Hanson, thereby tipping the scales toward “infamy.”

“This is a dark moment for this franchise,” says Al Davis, lying in a vat of age cream, which, much like being a fan of the Raiders, takes years off your life. “Frankly, I’m shocked that this happened. Not that someone got punched, but shocked that it wasn’t me that got punched.”

Now, the Chargers aren’t immune to unlawful acts of physical violence. Last week, star linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested on charges of choking and restraining his girlfriend, reality icon Tila Tequila, star of MTV’s A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila.

“Shawne’s no stranger to off-the-field troubles,” says Norv Turner. “It’s a tough situation. Who do you believe? The vacuous, talent-deprived reality star, or the temperamental linebacker who’s been suspended for using a banned substance? Stories indicate that Shawne was just trying to keep Ms. Tequila from driving home intoxicated. I think, eventually, the truth will come out is some type of out-of-court settlement.”

San Diego wins, 27-14

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