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Internal Memo: WTF?
Published: September 28, 2009
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Okay, seriously guys, what the f*ck?
This is a joke, right? I mean really? We let a team win 19-14 when they haven’t won a game in 19 tries in our head coach’s 19th game?
Ha, ok guys, you can put the new score on the board now: 73-0 Redskins. You guys really had me fooled. LOL 😛
Okay, so this is totally uncool. I, like many of you, am trying to figure out what happened. And I think I know what the problem was. It’s totally my fault;I should have seen this coming. I feel like such an idiot.
I wasn’t close enough to the team. Not in a relationship sense, but on the field.
I should have been on the sideline giving them a pep talk. Campbell throws a pick? I really wanted to talk to him and say “Hey brosef, don’t worry about it. You’ll get it next time.” I know my presence really motivates these guys.
Zorn’s playcalling? Again, my fault. I just wasn’t there to offer my suggestions. Remember that play to Santana Moss for the touchdown? We should have just called that every play. We would have scored every time :D!
There are so many things about this team that would just be better off if I were more involved. All the newspapers are saying I should be less involved now, but if something’s wrong, isn’t it my responsibility to fix it?
I know! Did you ever see “Little Big League?” It’s a baseball movie where a 12-year-old inherits the Minnesota Twins, then he appoints himself as manager. The team goes from being terrible to being a playoff team! Then at the end, the kid says, “I’m stepping down as manager” and everybody is sad. Then he says “Don’t worry, I’ll still own the team” and everybody loves him. If a kid can do it with a baseball team, I can totally do it with a football team.
So, we’ll let Zorn have a few more games, then, just when things look to be at their worst, Dan Snyder to the Rescue!!
So until then, I’ll raise parking prices (if I’m gonna be owner AND coach I need double the salary) or something. Everybody, be prepared to sell this plan. And can we get Albert Haynesworth a raise? He’s such a trooper for coming back into the game after looking like he was seriously hurt! $100 million was such a steal 😉
Yours,
-Danny
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Internal Memo: We’ve Been Caught?
Published: September 7, 2009
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MEMO TO: TICKET SALES AND PR
Okay, I don’t know who opened their mouth, but here’s the situation. The Washington Post (note: NOT owned by Red Zebra) published an article on our ticket policy. They mentioned that we sue the fans who don’t (or “can’t”) pay up on their five-figure season ticket contract.
Initially when I read it I was pleased with the astounding journalism at work here. It demonstrated that Dan Snyder is a man of his word. If I say that I may sue you if you default, I’m gonna do it.
But for some reason (maybe one of you know??) everyone else didn’t like it. They said it was mean to sue your own fans, and they also said something about the economy being bad right now.
They clearly have no idea what they’re talking about.
The Redskins are the second-highest grossing franchise in the whole league (behind the poser Cowboys), so clearly everyone’s okay, and the people who aren’t paying for their tickets are just thinking of excuses. I mean really, they must be pretty thick to not see that.
So, we’re going to combat this by spreading word of my generosity and loving nature. I scheduled an interview for one of our PR guys to go in ESPN980 (note: IS owned by Red Zebra), here are the questions:
What did the Washington Post article say?
Doesn’t every other team in the league do this?
Isn’t the team entitled to make money?
Why does everybody diss Dan Snyder? Don’t they know haterade is bad for you?
Isn’t it true that Dan Snyder is not short?
So go ahead and prepare for those questions. Also, let’s go ahead and give the 72-year-old bankrupt grandma her money back as a show of good faith I guess. I really don’t understand why this is such a huge deal, the Bible says you must pay your debts. Is it wrong for me to enforce the word of God??
Okay so that’s what we’re going to do about this. If anybody has any questions, feel free to email me at snyder@redskins.com. Be sure to label it “OFFICIAL BUSINESS,” I get so much junk email from fans trying to get their money back or complaining about me signing Adam Archuletta to a huge deal.
There are rumors that Ted Leonsis (of the minor league Capitals) actually reads and responds to fan email. I’ve never met him, but he sounds like one of the worst owners in sports.
He also keeps some seats open for day of game purchases so fans who can’t afford season tickets can go. Think of all of the money he’s wasting!! What is he thinking LOL??
Thanks everyone, here’s two tickets to Six Flags America for your trouble.
Best,
-Danny
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