Five More Things I Hate About You: B/R Bash ’09 Continues (Satire)

So I was all ready to do a fun little quiz with y’all.
I had cropped in on the “EYE” (as in cbs IS WATCHING US. WAKE THE HELL UP.) and the cbs for the people thinking, reinforcing the fact that cbs owns bleacher report.
All that was left on the picture was a pair of mouths and suits. I was going to do a little quiz on whose mouths those were.
Anyone who answered correctly would have been privy to an advanced copy of my conspiracy theory before it drops on B/R.
You heard it hear first y’all!
But only if you could have answered this question.
“Whose two mouths appear in the picture above?” The answer, obviously, would have been Jim Nantz and Roy Williams.
I was all set to give away a prize too.
But you can’t crop photos on slideshows. Not in a manner that I’m aware of, anyway.
Hmm, let’s make that thing No. 1 I hate about B/R.
I could go on, but I’m wasted a lot of energy fighting various forms of the establishment, and I need a breather.

Five More Things I Hate About You: B/R Bash ’09 Continues (Satire)

So I was all ready to do a fun little quiz with y’all.
I had cropped in on the “EYE” (as in cbs IS WATCHING US. WAKE THE HELL UP.) and the cbs for the people thinking, reinforcing the fact that cbs owns bleacher report.
All that was left on the picture was a pair of mouths and suits. I was going to do a little quiz on whose mouths those were.
Anyone who answered correctly would have been privy to an advanced copy of my conspiracy theory before it drops on B/R.
You heard it hear first y’all!
But only if you could have answered this question.
“Whose two mouths appear in the picture above?” The answer, obviously, would have been Jim Nantz and Roy Williams.
I was all set to give away a prize too.
But you can’t crop photos on slideshows. Not in a manner that I’m aware of, anyway.
Hmm, let’s make that thing No. 1 I hate about B/R.
I could go on, but I’m wasted a lot of energy fighting various forms of the establishment, and I need a breather.

Feeling Used, Abused and Confused: My B/R, cbs, NFL Saga

Disclaimer: I don’t give a, hold on.

What’s that?

(Muffled talking from b/r suit)

Wait a minute folks.

(mumbles)

I can’t use the word cr@p?

Why not?

(more commentary from the suit)

Oh, I see. You’re facsists? I get it.

(Angry commentary from said suit)

Hey, man, relax. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. It’s your world baby.

(silence)

Thanks for the advice, Mr. Big.

Sorry folks, but I’ve been informed by B/R’s own Mr. Big (as in, I’m gonna git you sucka) can’t type the word c-r-a-p without it getting edited because no one ever uses profanity on this site (*snicker, snort*)

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the disclaimer. Let’s start over shall we?

 

Disclaimer: I don’t give a hootnanny (my substitute for the word cr@p) if this article gets deleted. It wouldn’t be the first time. Might not be the last.

I’m just proud that I wrote something that could elicit such strong feelings.

So TC, no hard feelings, but if you feel like you’ve got to flag it for deletion, do what you’ve got to do my brother.

Chances are I won’t even be allowed to continue writing for this site anyway.

When I saw the listing on journalismjobs.com, I applied immediately.

For a sports writer who has ALWAYS wanted to be a professional beat writer for an NFL team, it was almost too good to be true.

And in the end, I guess it was.

But at that point, on that May evening, I couldn’t see the setup. All I could see was a golden opportunity to do what I’ve always wanted to do and ditch the dying newspaper industry at the same time.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, cbssports.com (from this point until forever, I will never capitalize those three letters. It’s always going to be lowercase cbs in my book) was looking for 32 NFL correspondents for the upcoming football season.

While the commitment was only through the 2009 football campaign, it sounded like if you did a good enough job, there might be a permanent position available.

For the next two months, I busted my a**. I poured my heart and soul into getting this position. I was writing an average of two articles a day.

I’ll put it to you like this. For a while, it wasn’t uncommon for me to have written three stories in a day while only getting two hours of sleep.

I would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, get back in bed, and find that I couldn’t shut my brain off. The ideas were raising and, eventually, I’d get out of bed at some ungodly hour and start writing.

I’m sure my West Coast B/R fans have noticed this. They’ll send something to me at 12 a.m. or 1 a.m. their time, and I’ll respond.

Only problem is I live in Florida. So it’s actually like 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. my time, and I have to work in the morning.

Come to think of it, it’s 3:15 a.m. right now.

Anyway, as time wore on, it felt like B/R was messing with me. I kept getting notifications about “an influx of applications” and “being bombarded with quality work.”

Originally, the decision was supposed to be announced no later than the end of June.

On Jul. 1, Assignment Editor Rory Brown e-mailed me (and everyone else I’m sure) and informed me the deadline had been extended.

Well, I finally heard the news yesterday. Much to my chagrin, I didn’t get the job.

Then I got an e-mail from the CEO of B/R and I about hit the ceiling.

It read, in part: “Additionally, as word spread about this new initiative, many veteran sports writers—most with past experience covering the NFL—submitted their resumes and writing samples directly to (cbssports.com). The backgrounds and credentials of these writers were such that it made sense for (cbssports.com) to consider them in the mix as well.

“Today we are pleased to announce 16 Bleacher Report finalists have been offered Correspondent positions. Unfortunately, two had to bow out for personal reasons, but 14 will begin work soon as official (cbssports.com) Pro Football Correspondents. We look forward to following their progress and reporting over the course of the season.

“It was our goal for all 32 Correspondents to come from Bleacher Report. In fact, the quality of the contributors was so exceptional that if it were possible we wish we could have found a way for all of the Bleacher Report finalists to have received offers. At the end of the day, with so many veteran journalists available and only 32 jobs to fill, (cbssports.com) assembled their team by combining some of the best talent from Bleacher Report with experienced journalists from the sports media world…”

It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart.

I don’t know if B/R knew this was happening the whole time, or if cbs (ATTENTION EDITORS: If you capitalize “cbs” at any point in this article, I will hunt you down and castrate you. If you’re a woman, well, I guess I’ll just be really upset.) just made B/R its little puppet @*%*h.

Kind of the way they did to us.

To the people who won, congratulations. Make B/R proud.

To the other guys who didn’t win but were deserving, guys like Nick and Andy, keep your head up. You’re too talented not to get another chance down the road.

In one of my Rush Limbaugh articles (you know, one of the two that were deleted), I quoted a line from The Who song, “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”

Well, I definitely got fooled. Actually, it feels more like I got bent over a table, but you get the idea.

I’ll be d****d if I get fooled again.

Feeling Used, Abused and Confused: My B/R, cbs, NFL Saga

Disclaimer: I don’t give a, hold on.

What’s that?

(Muffled talking from b/r suit)

Wait a minute folks.

(mumbles)

I can’t use the word cr@p?

Why not?

(more commentary from the suit)

Oh, I see. You’re facsists? I get it.

(Angry commentary from said suit)

Hey, man, relax. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. It’s your world baby.

(silence)

Thanks for the advice, Mr. Big.

Sorry folks, but I’ve been informed by B/R’s own Mr. Big (as in, I’m gonna git you sucka) can’t type the word c-r-a-p without it getting edited because no one ever uses profanity on this site (*snicker, snort*)

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the disclaimer. Let’s start over shall we?

 

Disclaimer: I don’t give a hootnanny (my substitute for the word cr@p) if this article gets deleted. It wouldn’t be the first time. Might not be the last.

I’m just proud that I wrote something that could elicit such strong feelings.

So TC, no hard feelings, but if you feel like you’ve got to flag it for deletion, do what you’ve got to do my brother.

Chances are I won’t even be allowed to continue writing for this site anyway.

When I saw the listing on journalismjobs.com, I applied immediately.

For a sports writer who has ALWAYS wanted to be a professional beat writer for an NFL team, it was almost too good to be true.

And in the end, I guess it was.

But at that point, on that May evening, I couldn’t see the setup. All I could see was a golden opportunity to do what I’ve always wanted to do and ditch the dying newspaper industry at the same time.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, cbssports.com (from this point until forever, I will never capitalize those three letters. It’s always going to be lowercase cbs in my book) was looking for 32 NFL correspondents for the upcoming football season.

While the commitment was only through the 2009 football campaign, it sounded like if you did a good enough job, there might be a permanent position available.

For the next two months, I busted my a**. I poured my heart and soul into getting this position. I was writing an average of two articles a day.

I’ll put it to you like this. For a while, it wasn’t uncommon for me to have written three stories in a day while only getting two hours of sleep.

I would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, get back in bed, and find that I couldn’t shut my brain off. The ideas were raising and, eventually, I’d get out of bed at some ungodly hour and start writing.

I’m sure my West Coast B/R fans have noticed this. They’ll send something to me at 12 a.m. or 1 a.m. their time, and I’ll respond.

Only problem is I live in Florida. So it’s actually like 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. my time, and I have to work in the morning.

Come to think of it, it’s 3:15 a.m. right now.

Anyway, as time wore on, it felt like B/R was messing with me. I kept getting notifications about “an influx of applications” and “being bombarded with quality work.”

Originally, the decision was supposed to be announced no later than the end of June.

On Jul. 1, Assignment Editor Rory Brown e-mailed me (and everyone else I’m sure) and informed me the deadline had been extended.

Well, I finally heard the news yesterday. Much to my chagrin, I didn’t get the job.

Then I got an e-mail from the CEO of B/R and I about hit the ceiling.

It read, in part: “Additionally, as word spread about this new initiative, many veteran sports writers—most with past experience covering the NFL—submitted their resumes and writing samples directly to (cbssports.com). The backgrounds and credentials of these writers were such that it made sense for (cbssports.com) to consider them in the mix as well.

“Today we are pleased to announce 16 Bleacher Report finalists have been offered Correspondent positions. Unfortunately, two had to bow out for personal reasons, but 14 will begin work soon as official (cbssports.com) Pro Football Correspondents. We look forward to following their progress and reporting over the course of the season.

“It was our goal for all 32 Correspondents to come from Bleacher Report. In fact, the quality of the contributors was so exceptional that if it were possible we wish we could have found a way for all of the Bleacher Report finalists to have received offers. At the end of the day, with so many veteran journalists available and only 32 jobs to fill, (cbssports.com) assembled their team by combining some of the best talent from Bleacher Report with experienced journalists from the sports media world…”

It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart.

I don’t know if B/R knew this was happening the whole time, or if cbs (ATTENTION EDITORS: If you capitalize “cbs” at any point in this article, I will hunt you down and castrate you. If you’re a woman, well, I guess I’ll just be really upset.) just made B/R its little puppet @*%*h.

Kind of the way they did to us.

To the people who won, congratulations. Make B/R proud.

To the other guys who didn’t win but were deserving, guys like Nick and Andy, keep your head up. You’re too talented not to get another chance down the road.

In one of my Rush Limbaugh articles (you know, one of the two that were deleted), I quoted a line from The Who song, “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”

Well, I definitely got fooled. Actually, it feels more like I got bent over a table, but you get the idea.

I’ll be d****d if I get fooled again.

My Conspiracy Theory About Rush Limbaugh and Race (Introduction)

Disclaimer: This theory just made contact with my brain a few hours ago.

I say “made contact” because the thought didn’t simply pop into my head.

Rather, it crashed into my cranium.

I haven’t really had time to process all the information, so I’m presenting this theory in two parts, plus this intro.

And no, haters, I’m not just whoring for attention (well maybe a little, *hint hint wink wink*).

In this article, I will be discussing my political viewpoints. If you are hardcore conservative, you probably won’t like it.

But I’m trying to keep it in the spirit of Obama’s campaign: change and compromise. That’s how I approach political discussions, but few people can discuss politics with a level head.

People of both parties get so, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…

Oh, I got it. Irrational. They’re irrational politicos.

Hmmm, IPs. Not as good as IFs, but I’ll give it a try. (Don’t steal it haters. It’s mine!)

As far as my politics are concerned, I’m probably as close to socialist as is acceptable without being completely ostracized by all my friends and colleagues.

Except for capital punishment. If it’s warranted, I say “fry em.” Stop draining so much money from our community pool man (and by “man,” I mean murderers, rapists, and pederasts).

This is my theory about capital punishment and the people who commit capital crimes:

If you can’t fry by 9 (as in, p.m.), don’t do the crime, you know?

And I know, haters, executions usually happen at 12, but I can’t rhyme “delve” with “twelve.” Sorry, man.

Here it is. Part I coming soon….

Delving inside the Minds of Irrational Fans (aka “IFs”)

 

Before I joined Bleacher Report about two months ago, my discussions about sports were pretty tame.

My friends and I pretty much take the same approach when it comes to sports. While we are fervent in our defense of our favorite teams and players (my friend Kyle and I have had some epic Montana vs. Marino debates), we also are able to discuss our favorite teams logically and rationally.

But in my time on this site, I have encountered a different kind of fan—the kind of fan who doesn’t respond to reason or logic.

These people are the irrational fans.

For the sake of this article, we’ll call them “IFs” (as in, “If JaMarcus Russell throws for 4,000 yards, the Raiders will go to the Super Bowl!”)

These IFs are not restricted by geography, team alliances, or leagues. They run the gamut.

Here is a sampling of some of the most ludicrous beliefs from the IFs I’ve encountered:

IFs from Oakland: The last six years have simply been a “rebuilding process” for the Raiders, and 80-year-old Al Davis is still sharp as a tack.

IFs from Minnesota: Brett Favre will be the second coming of Jesus Christ and will lead the Vikings to that elusive Super Bowl ring.

IFs from Los Angeles: Ron Artest is not crazy, Manny Ramirez made an honest mistake, and the NFL will come back one day. Also, Michael Jackson never molested any little boys.

IFs from San Francisco: Barry Bonds’ accomplishments are 100 percent legit.

IFs from Orlando: Vince Carter is not over the hill and will lead the Magic to an NBA Championship.

IFs from Gainesville: Tim Tebow will be the next coming of Steve Young, despite the fact that the University of Florida has never produced a quality NFL quarterback.

The thing that frustrates me about the IFs is that you can present hundreds of well-thought out arguments that seemingly refute any nonsensical point they make, and they still keep coming with witty responses like: “You’re an idiot!”, “How would you know? You’re not even a fan of the team”,  and (my personal favorite) “Do you wear that suit so you can spew (garbage) at people every day?”

It’s like talking to a brick wall, only that wall talks back and is far more annoying.

I guess that’s the beauty about sports though. Fans can be optimists, pessimists, or something in between.

I’m beginning to wonder if these IFs have the right idea though.

How much better would my life be if I convinced myself that the 49ers were going to win the Super Bowl? Or that my Padres will make the playoffs despite the fact that Jake Peavy will probably miss the rest of the season?

Sure, I’d be in for a rude awakening at the end of the year when my teams fell woefully short of my expectations.

But I’d still have the ultimate trump card in my back pocket, the credo of all IFs everywhere.

“Wait ’till next year.”

I guess ignorance really is bliss. If only I could stop using my brain.

 

The Jacksonville Jaguars’ Best Free Agent Signings in Franchise History

Yesterday I wrote a slideshow detailing the worst free agent signings in the history of the Jacksonville Jaguars’ franchise.
Today I thought it would only be fair to highlight the free agent acquisitions that worked out in Jacksonville’s favor.
So here they are: the top five free agent signings in the history of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Biggest Free Agent Busts in the History of the Jacksonville Jaguars

While the NFL Draft is somewhat of a crap shoot, free agency is supposed to be far more predictable.
Teams are able to look at a player’s production in previous years and project what that player will do for their team.
But sometimes the free agents don’t live up to the billing, and teams invest millions of dollars into a player who just doesn’t produce.
Jacksonville certainly has had its share of free agent horror stories, and these are the top five, in no particular order.

Projecting the Jacksonville Jaguars’ Early Returns on 2009 Draft Picks

For some teams, the NFL Draft is an opportunity to select that one player who will get their squad over the top.
For other teams, the draft gives them a chance to take players who will be pillars of the franchise, just not immediately.
In Jacksonville’s case, it looks like the Jaguars were successful in getting both players who can contribute right away and players who will contribute down the road.
With preseason about a month away, I thought it would be interesting to look at Jacksonville’s draft picks and predict what kind of roles each of them will have in 2009.

The Jacksonville Jaguars’ Best Second-Day Draft Picks in Franchise History

Entering the 15th year of the franchise’s existence, the Jacksonville Jaguars haven’t always been very lucky when it comes to first-round draft picks.
R. Jay Soward, Reggie Williams, Matt Jones, Byron Leftwich, etc.
All these guys were taken in the first round. None of them lived up to the expectations, and none of them are with the team anymore.
The thing that has been Jacksonville’s saving grace is the ability to get quality players in the later rounds.
With that in mind, I have selected the best second-day draft picks in Jacksonville’s short history.
For the sake of this slideshow, we’re going old school. So when I refer to the best second-day draft picks, I mean anyone who was taken in the fourth round or later.

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