The one where I have to miss the NFL Draft, so I gamble on it instead.

Good luck to the Detroit Lions in drafting Matthew Stafford.  The rookie is getting a whopping $41.7 million in guaranteed money, out of his $71 million 6 year deal.  That’s alot of money to pay a guy that could turn out to be another Ryan Leaf.  At least he will have Megatron there to help him out.

Rockets: In case you missed it last night, the Rockets punched the Blazers in their face.  McGrady was at the game, but I know he was secretly rooting for the Rockets to lose.  Two games down and two to go.  I hate to admit but referee Tony Brothers actually called a pretty good game last night.  After watching last nights game, I think he’s just a hard ass that loves to call fouls.  You suck Portland.

Texans: The glorious and long awaited NFL Draft is finally upon us.  Go buy some beer, I have a great drinking game for you.  Every time Mel Kiper criticizes a team for not picking the best available player on his mock draft board you bong a beer.  The ESPN geniuses Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have Brian Cushing (might have changed) and Aaron Maybin respectively, going in the first round to the Texans.

Astros: The Brewers pulled out a win over the Astros 5-2 yesterday.  Hopefully Houston can even the series tonight, game starts at 6:05pm.  You have already lost two in a row, don’t make it three or your out.

University of Houston: Since Dave Maggard retired as the Athletic director, there has been talk that perhaps UH alum Mike Pede may get the job.

Dynamo: Dominic Kinnear signs a multi-year deal to keep him with the Dynamo through 2012.  This is coincidentally the same year the Mayans predicted the end of the world, so any contracts made past this date are irrelevant.

Aeros: Houston leads Peoria 3-2 as of now in the 2009 Calder Cup Playoff run.  If Houston wins tonight they can close out the series.  If you want to watch the game, the Maple Leaf Pub will be showing it live.  The game starts at 7pm.

-Reginald Blackstone

Photo [theonion]

Posted in Houston Aeros, Houston Astros, Houston Dynamo, Houston Rockets, Houston Texans, MLB, MLS, NBA, NFL, University of Houston Tagged: Aaron Maybin, Astros, Brewers, Dave Maggard, Detroit Lions, Houston Rockets, Matthew Stafford, Megatron, Mike Pede, NFL Draft, Portland, Ryan Leaf, Texans, Tony Brothers

Mocking the NFL Draft is a column running weekly until the NFL Draft, in which Pipez literally* puts on a Mel Kiper wig and discusses the tough issues surrounding the draft.

Draft experts so good, no GM will hire them!

Well kids, this is your final lesson. You are almost ready for the 48 straight hours of NFL draft coverage on FourthandFifty.com, ESPN, and ESPN2.

Today we will be having the first part of a mock draft of the top 10 picks, so that you can familiarize yourselves with the draft format and the players and teams involved.  Here are the picks:

No. 1 the Detroit Lions

After the worst season in NFL history, the Lions need to change their identity by changing their logo, to make it more fierce. So in my expert analysis, I believe the Lions should select team dignity with their first overall selection.

What’s that? You can’t draft dignity? Ok…hmm…well then, they should select Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson. He’s the only player able to turn this team around, since he is the only player in history that does not need to rely on teammates to score touchdowns.

No. 2  Saint Louis Rams

This team showed flashes of greatness last year with some decent wins (mostly against the Cowgirls), but overall, still sucked.

Someone needs to tell them that having the No.2 draft pick two years in a row isn’t like finishing second two years in a row.

The top pick on my big-board is He-Man, but due to his questions about his sexuality, I’m not sure, that he would be a good locker room player to have around (especially if you have Visanthe Shiancoe in your locker room). So my next logical pick for the Rams is the Thundercats.

No. 3 Kansas City Chefs

This team needs winners. Specifically, meaning team chemistry guys who do not know how to lose, if you didn’t know what a winner was…I’m looking at you Lions fans.

It’s obvious that the perfect draft pick is the Iron Chefs. Don’t misunderstand me and think that I’m referring to the lame American version with Bobby Flay. No, the original Japanese Iron Chefs, who never ever lose.

They are like the Patriots ideal linebackers, old guys who are coaches on the field and know how to win. This makes sense too, since their new GM, Scott Pioli, was formerly with the Patriots.

No. 4 Seattle Seahawks

Brian Bosworth, he might have been a bust, but being the best draft bust ever is worth a do over right? At least it is for all of us non-Seahawks fans.

No. 5 ’s: Peter Griffin is the most obvious choice here. Clearly a solid offensive lineman prospect. Also, he is a great performer, who can entertain fans and distract them from the fact that they live in Cleveland and root for the Browns.

* Not literally because putting on a wig to write a blog is weird…but then again so is writing a blog

Posted in Mocking the Draft, NFL Tagged: Bo Jackson, Brian Bosworth, He Man is gay, Iron Chef, NFL Draft, Peter Griffin, Tecmo Bowl, Thundercats