Chargers: Norv Turner Has Been a Better Than Average Coach in San Diego

After the Chargers totally blew that game against the Baltimore Ravens this season, I wrote the following:

Every year, I write articles about how big a moron Norv Turner is, and then have to retract my statements at the end of the year.

Not this time.

Now I find myself defending Norv to folks who really don’t know what they hell they’re talking about.

You constantly hear about how the Chargers handed Norv the keys to a 14-2 team and there was a fall off the next year because of Norv.

I may have even said the same thing myself, but it was a stupid statement.

Since 1999, only one team that finished 14-2 or better equaled that record the following year:

1999 Jacksonville Jaguars 14-2
2000 Jacksonville Jaguars 7-9

2001 St. Louis Rams 14-2
2002 St. Louis Rams 7-9

2003 New England Patriots 14-2
2004 New England Patriots 14-2
2005 New England Patriots 10-6

2004 Pittsburgh Steelers 15-1
2005 Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5

2005 Indianapolis Colts 14-2
2006 Indianapolis Colts 12-4

2006 San Diego Chargers 14-2
2007 San Diego Chargers 11-5

2007 New England Patriots 16-0
2008 New England Patriots 11-5

When the Chargers fell back to earth and went 11-5 the next season, it was no different than other teams who kept the same coach the next season.

The team still made it to the AFC Championship Game despite injuries to Nate Kaeding, Philip Rivers, LaDainian Tomlinson, Shawne Merriman, Jamal Williams, and Antonio Gates.

I remember the Chargers blowing that 2006-2007 game against the New England Patriots and losing my mind.

We all know Marty had to go after that. Norv Turner has NEVER gone ‘one and done’ in the play-offs. Marty went one and done at home with both a 12-4 and 14-2 team.

Like it or not, Norv has won the AFC West two seasons in a row. People like to say that it’s because the Denver Broncos keep choking, but the fact is Norv has not had a bad season yet in San Diego. The slow starts are just frustrating, but the fast finishes are excellent.

Despite the 8-8 finish, Norv did some amazing coaching in 2008. Anytime a team starts out 4-8, due to injuries, it’s acceptable in other cities for the team to just hang it up and get ’em next year.

In San Diego, under the historic guidance of guys like Junior Seau and Rodney Harrison, it is not.

Norv Turner’s even keel and belief in his system has been a steadying influence that has resulted in a team that puts it all together from about mid-season on.

When Norv was hired, that’s what he guaranteed. The team would be playing its best football at the end of the season, and that is what has happened.

When you hear this nonsense about Norv’s terrible reign has the Raiders head coach, keep one thing in mind. Who the hell has won in Oakland since Rich Gannon, Tyrone Wheatley, Jerry Rice, and Tim Brown got old in a hurry?

No one, so get that out of your mind.

Turner was with the Washington Redskins seven seasons. He had a winning record in four of those seven seasons.

If you throw out the first two years, which were CLEARLY rebuilding years, Norv only had one losing season in Washington. Even Bill Cowher had losing years with the Steelers.

When Norv got the steel toe boot in Washington in 2000, the team was 7-6. They finished 8-8. Norv was replaced by none other than the beloved Marty Schottenheimer, who was promptly fired in 2001 after a second straight 8-8 season which started off with a disastrous 30-3 pounding by the San Diego Chargers; whose offense was coached by Norv Turner.

Funny thing is, Marty then beat Norv out for the head coaching job in San Diego in 2002, but kept Norv’s offense after Norv refused to stay on as offensive coordinator.

Then Norv replaced Marty as the head coach in San Diego in 2007.

Norv really only drives us insane because the Chargers’ slow starts, but keep this in mind when you are throwing your fit along with myself:

2007 11-5: The team had to get used to the new coaching staff. The team started off a mediocre 5-5. Once the team came together, however, I’m sure we can agree that the 2007 Chargers where one of the best teams to come around in a while until injuries derailed what may have been a Super Bowl Championship season.

2008 8-8: The injuries from 2007 carried over to the start of the 2008 season. Coupled with a last second TD pass from Jake Delhomme of the Carolina Panthers and two ridiculously blown calls by Ed Hochuli, the Chargers had to claw their way out of an 0-2 start. Once again, the team rallied and took down the Colts in the playoffs.

2009 6-3: None of us has ever experienced the rash of injuries like we did in San Diego to start the season after the team finished the pre-season in great health. With injuries to Ryon Bingham, Tomlinson, Williams, Jacques Cesaire, Merriman, Phillips, and on and on, the Bolts once again stumbled out of the gates 2-3. They have proceeded to win four in a row for the sixth straight season and are back in the AFC West title hunt.

So remember, Norv hasn’t let the Chargers flop yet. Would you rather the Bolts be 12-4 or 14-2 and lose the first playoff game every year or at least winning in the playoffs?

The Chargers just need some breaks to fall their way. The window is not closing on San Diego. Not at all.

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Classic Dumb Statements About Young San Diego Chargers Players

I love history. I was sitting back and thinking about some of the stupidest things I’ve read about about three of my all-time favorite Chargers: Philip Rivers, Drew Brees, and LaDainian Tomlinson.

Philip Rivers

Phil Simms, in the process of touting his son Chris Simms, explained that the Miami Dolphins would be foolish to trade for a loser like Rivers.

Simms isn’t particularly impressed by Rivers’ ability, either — even if the quarterback finished his career at N.C. State ranked second among passers in NCAA history. That’s because Rivers is not particularly fast — he ran a 5.08 in the 40-yard dash before the draft — and he lacks a consistent deep ball.

“He’s not the play-maker,” said Simms, who suggested the Dolphins would be better off convincing Notre Dame junior quarterback Brady Quinn to enter the draft. “But the market for Philip Rivers will be driven up by hype, by people who say the Chargers’ best quarterback is sitting on the bench. That’s a very easy thing to say when there’s no proof of it otherwise.”

-Jeff Darlington, Palm Beach Post Staff Writer, Thursday, December 08, 2005

Mr. Simms, those words are among the stupidest ever said. When you argue that there is no proof that Rivers is any good. That was true.

You then state that he is not play-maker, but there is no proof of that either? That was desperate.

Would you rather have Rivers or both Brady Quinn and Chris Simms on your team?

LaDainian Tomlinson

Dave-Te’ Thomas from www.footballsfuture.com thought that LaDainian Tomlinson reminded him of Philadelphia great running back Duce Staley.

Once he adjusts to running from a pro-set instead of a veer offense, watch him grow into a very effective back. Definitely starting material, but he has enough to only garner All-Pro consideration eventually, but this is no franchise back here, folks. His numbers are very impressive, but he’s a product of the team’s system. Too bad too many general managers are desperate for a running back, as he’ll go higher than his stock dictates.

I guess Jim Brown (the clown) was right, LT must have made it into the right system in the NFL too.

Drew Brees

ESPN’s Tom Jackson, who proclaimed Jay Cutler the best quarterback on the best team in the league at one point last season, once proclaimed that Drew Brees hadn’t shown him anything that could convince him that Drew Brees had the talent to play in the NFL.

Excuse me, but that calls for an LOL.

That goes to show you that Mr. Jackson is nothing more than a high profile fan who never saw Drew Brees’ first season as a starter.

Terrible.

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Toothless Chargers Side Step The Miami Dolphins

On Sunday, the San Diego Chargers Philip Rivers’ 40 yard bombs turned the Miami Dolphins’ “Wildcat Offense” into the “Fraidey Cat.”

After Dolphin’s quarterback Chad Pennington jammed his throwing shoulder in the second half, the Chargers were all but assured a win. Forced to pass in the fourth quarter, the Dolphins were exposed as a team that is no threat to pass – especially when Chad Pennington is not in the game.

In regards to the running game, the Chargers repeatedly let Miami off the hook with runs by Sproles up the middle.

Folks, those plays aren’t going anywhere and everybody knows it.

The Chargers are lucky that the Dolphins’ made the following mistakes:

1. Ronnie Brown and Chad Pennington bungled a snap at the Chargers’ one yard line, and the Chargers fans gleefully watched the ball bounce (along with a Dolphins offensive lineman) out of the back of the end zone.
2. The Dolphins tried to get too cute by trying to throw on their second drive of the game; first of the second quarter, and promptly got stuffed. The Chargers defense was never going to stop the Wildcat rushing attack.
3. Will Allen made a couple of mental errors. The biggest bungle was the pass interference on Bolt wide receiver, Vincent Jackson, on third down. The penalty allowed San Diego to continue their drive that ended in a field goal and a ten point fourth quarter lead with backup quarterback Chad Henne in the game.
4. Later on in the same drive, Jason Taylor just missed snagging an interception that would have likely resulted in a touchdown. That was less a mistake, and more just missing a Hall of Fame caliber play from Taylor.
5. Henne’s fourth quarter interception, which was returned by Eric Weddle for his first NFL touchdown.                                                                                                              

Throughout the game, Norv Turner’s play calling was atrocious. Predictably, the Chargers started their first drive with a run right up the middle for no gain.

This season, the red zone has been a nightmare for the Chargers, as they made it to the Dolphins 20 yard line five times, and just came away with one touchdown.

That’s horrible.

Finally, Rivers finally took matters into his own hands and ran one in for a touchdown from the five yard line.

One thing’s for sure, for next week’s prime-time game in Pittsburgh, you can expect the Chargers to fill the air with football’s.

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Ravens-Chargers: East Coast Teams Fall Flat In San Diego

Baltimore Ravens fans, writers, players, and cronies all believe that the Ravens “should” go into to San Diego and beat the Chargers.

Are you serious?

I know that the Chargers struggled to beat Oakland (whose defense is much better than you think), but seriously, why does no one look at history?

Teams that fly from the Northeastern part of the United States have very little success in San Diego in recent years.

 

2008

Chargers 30, New England Patriots (No Tom Brady) 10

Chargers 48, New York Jets 29

2007

Chargers 32, Baltimore Ravens 14

2006

Chargers 23, Pittsburgh Steelers 13

The Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers were the last Northeastern team to win in San Diego, which happened in 2005 on a last second field goal.

In the same season however, the Buffalo Bills were drilled 48-10 by the Chargers, while the New York Giants were engulfed 45-23. 

Chargers blowouts of East Coast teams caused the NFL to change the rules to protect the East Coast teams from having to travel the the West Coast too often. Not surprisingly, the NFL made no such concession for West Coast teams.

Make no mistake. Had San Diego not embarrassed the New York Jets and New England Patriots (and those teams didn’t even compete) on national television last season, there would have been no rule change.

The Ravens, playing at home, against a backup quarterback in a new offensive system (with no offensive coordinator-he was fired) barely won their battle with the Chiefs. 

Somehow, the score in that game was 24-24 with less than five minutes to play.

Flacco, up against the worst pass rushing team in NFL history, led the Ravens to the go ahead touchdown via the air. Meanwhile, Chiefs backup quarterback Brodie Croyle fumbled inside his own 20 to hand Baltimore another garbage touchdown to seal the game.

Folks, that is what you call lipstick on a pig.

You’re supposed to dominate an inferior team at home. You should find a way to beat an equal team at home, and you should give a superior team a good battle and maybe even win if they come to your house.

Don’t get swept away in a wave of euphoria just yet. Look at the history of the 2006 Chargers. They were a team we know was good, but got beat by two road opponents that had no business beating them. 

The Chargers had beaten the dreadful Oakland Raiders and terrible Tennessee Titans a combined 67-7 and then traveled to playoff-bound Baltimore and got beat at the buzzer 16-13 after completely dominating on the stat sheet.

After running roughshod over the San Francisco 49ers and Pittsburgh Steelers a combined 72-32, they were once again beaten at the last second by a playoff bound team. The Kansas City Chiefs won in Kansas City 30-27.

You can’t expect to go into a good team’s house and roll or you may be rolled yourself.

It’s for good reason that the odds-makers weren’t stupid enough to make Baltimore the favorites in this one folks.

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San Diego Chargers-Oakland Raiders: Emotions Dominated, Not the Raiders

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You’re the typical myopic douche Charger fan. It was a good game, the Raiders clearly dominated most of the game and gave it away on stupid plays. Chargers played a smarter fourth quarter…but to say they dominated or to say it was the same as last year is just about as dumb as saying LT is still the best back in the league.

-Barnavicious X

Wow. Have you ever heard a big, tough Raider fan call someone a douche? You can skip ahead to 3:40 of the video for my lighthearted response to that.

Right away, you’ll see that Barney is putting words in my mouth, because this is what he is responding to:

The Raiders only dominated the first quarter and then couldn’t get it going after that. The Raiders had about 2/3 of their rushing yards in the first quarter.

San Diego evenly played (if not outplayed) the Raiders for the last three quarters – they certainly outscored the Raiders. 24-13…

The Oakland Raiders dominated one and a half quarters of play. No more.

The San Diego Chargers did not dominate the Raiders, nor did I say they did.

However, some people got caught up in the Raiders wave of emotion (Steve Young anybody?) and could not see that the Chargers were clearly out of their funk from the middle of the second quarter on.

I can not sit here and just bash Raider fans, because some Charger fans are guilty of getting too emotional (Nick Canepa anyone?) about the first quarter and a half as well.

Allow me to give you the history which led to my belief that the Chargers would likely win the game from about the middle of the second quarter on. 

Back in 1998 and 1999, the only thing holding the Raiders back from the AFC West title was the kicking game.

The Raiders drafted kicker Sebastian Janikowski in the first round and I applauded the pick. Then they drafted punter Shane Lechler in the fifth round, I said, “oh, these guys are serious.”

That is because Oakland was about to complete a team that would consistently win the field position battle and stop missing easy field goals to lose close games.

What was the result?

Oakland won the AFC West in 2000, 2001, and 2002, while ranking higher in points scored than yards gained two out of three of those seasons. The Raiders also finished in the top five in scoring all three years. This was a feat that had not been accomplished by the Raiders since 1983, and hasn’t been accomplished by them since.

The effectiveness of the great Raiders offense and aggressive defense was compounded by the fact that they usually would win the field position battle with Lechler and would usually capitalize on scoring opportunities with Janikowski.

The only thing derailing their dominance was the fact that they built their team with veterans who got old in a hurry.

A few years later the Chargers did the exact same thing by drafting kicker Nate Kaeding in the third round and stealing punter Mike Scifres in the fifth round.

The Chargers have since finished as a top five scoring team from 2004 through 2009 while winning the AFC West four times. The Chargers only ranked higher than tenth in yards gained once, easily leading the league in scoring in 2006.

Last season, the Chargers finished eleventh in yards gained, but second in points scored.

During the Bolts’ five year run of AFC West dominance they’ve scored 27.5 points per game, not by running up 400 yards of offense per game, but by playing on the other guy’s side of the field.

That the Chargers usually win, or at least don’t lose, the turnover battle doesn’t hurt their quest for field position dominance either.

In a nutshell, go back and look at the last six Charger/Colt match ups–of which the Chargers have one four. The Colts have a huge edge in yards gained, but have repeatedly lost the field position battle.

The history lesson is over.

By the middle of the second quarter, Oakland was no longer winning the field position battle. Their dominant running game was no longer getting anywhere near 8 yard per carry.

As soon as Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell started throwing the ball the Chargers picked it off, so the Raiders running game was their key to victory.

Oakland lost the keys at some point during the second quarter.

While Barnavicious X was on his 12th beer, listening to every other word out of Steve Young’s mouth and believing it; those in the know were watching the Raiders go 3-and-out three times in a row, thoroughly losing the field position battle in the process.

I don’t know that that Raiders crossed the 50 yard line more than two times through the entire second half, but the emotional inspiration of the Raiders kept the Raider Nation blinded by the ecstasy of seeing “the great” Philip Rivers rendered mostly ineffective through three quarters–same as last season.

Lipstick was promptly applied to the pig when Russell’s desperation heave on 4th-and-14 came from 57 yards away–on Oakland’s side of the field. That was an inspirational moment that may still lead to a magical season, but not at the Chargers’ expense.

JT the Brick always used the words “passion and energy” to describe the Raider Nation. That is true.

Friends it was obvious that the Raiders defense and the Raider Nation were emotionally dominant throughout the game. Fundamentally, however, the Chargers had the Raiders on their heels from the second quarter on and the “Nation” didn’t even realize it until there were just 18 seconds left in the game.

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San Diego Chargers: Against Questionable Defense or Not, Norv Turner Finally Has All the Answers

Repeatedly, you read that writers just don’t trust Norv Turner to lead men. Turner can not possibly get the best out of his Chargers.

You read that Turner’s Chargers have lost three more games than the previous season two years in a row, so they are destined to have a 5–11 season – but will still win the weak AFC West.

Coach Turner repeatedly preached one thing, and that is the Chargers offense could always run a bad defense off the field, but would be stymied against a great defense in big games. He declared that he’d get this offense to the point that they’d score points against the great defenses.

I believe this mission will be accomplished this year. Whatever a defense wants to bring, Norv has the answers.

The Chargers can beat your pressure with screens and quick passes.

They have overwhelming options in the red zone from Gates to Tomlinson to Malcom Floyd.

They can beat you deep with Chris Chambers, Floyd, or Vincent Jackson.

They can beat you to the corner in the run game with Darren Sproles.

They can run it right at you at the end of the game with Tomlinson.

Along with the Saints and Patriots, the Chargers offense is far too dangerous for most defenses to contain.

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Your Honor, Her Name Is Tila Tequila. The Defense Rests

“Your Honor. Her name is Tila Tequila. The defense rests.”

-Shanipedia

As disgusted as I was with the whole Shawne Merriman vs Tila Tequila situation, I think it’s the funniest thing in the world now.

Tila Tequila has started a Chargers Suck movement on tweeter that’s gaining steam.

A woman scorned, huh? Tequila has shown herself to be quite obsessed with attention. She, not Merriman, has been caught lying.

While Ms. Tequila was tweeting about being allergic to alcohol, Fox News was playing clips showing her taking a drink, eye witnesses at Merriman’s house and the club were proclaiming to have seen her drinking, and even the cops accused her of drinking.

Any team in the NFL would love to have such a movement against them. When Norv claims “it’s us against them,” he can pull of Twitter and get the team a little worked up.

Tequila went from potentially being the Chargers own personal Jessica Simpson (well Jessica is ‘B’ list and Tila is ‘D’ list), to now leading a crusade of thousands against the Chargers. The ditsy young lady doesn’t understand that a coach would pay to have this type of motivational tool at his disposal.

Check out some of her tweets!

officialTila See U on Monday Oakland Raiders! Cuz you KNOW my ass will B there….front row…CHEERING ON THE RAIDERS! POW! See ya bitches! #ChargersSuck

officialTila Oh yes. I WILL BE AT THE OAKLAND RAIDERS GAME ON MONDAY CHEERING FOR MY RAIDER NATION!!!!! SEE YOU THERE! PEACE!

officialTila Hey everyone..looks like @ShawneMerriman is sleeping while the #ChargersSuck stays on trends! Yall better go tell him 2 wake his ass up! LOL

officialTila OOOPS! CORRECTION! @ShawneMerriman cuz #ChargersSuck just moved up to 4th place in trending topics! LMFAO! U guys about to be #1 trend! LOLL

officialTila Hey @ShawneMerriman I wish you the best this season cuz #ChargersSuck is 5th Place on Trending Topics…Coach can’t be happy about this!

No. Coach is going to be thrilled about this, because it gives him a motivational topic. An area where he can use all the help he can get.

Raiders fans shouldn’t be too excited, Tequila was just at a game cheering for the Chargers last week!

If the Chargers look up in the stands and see Tila Tequila wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey next Monday night, expect an extra charge in the Chargers step.

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Chargers’ Shawne Merriman Arrested for Falsely Imprisoning Tila Tequila

Break out the “steroid-induced rage” jokes. San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested for allegedly choking and then “trying” to restrain girlfriend Tila Tequila at his home early Sunday morning, according to KNSD-TV.

Come on.

The 6’5” Merriman choked and then “tried” to restrain Tequila, but the 4’11”, 98-pound reality TV star/rapper dug in her size-five heels and held off the rampaging Chargers linebacker long enough to call 9-1-1 and have Merriman arrested?

Please.

One Merriman meat hook would snap her neck like a twig. There is no way this guy choked and then “tried” to restrain Tequila. That’s the exaggeration of the century.

If most NFL running backs can’t evade Merriman, then I find it tough to believe that Tila Tequila evaded him.

This inconveniently timed fiasco makes you wonder if A.J. Smith’s concerns over Merriman’s decision-making have been valid all along. It also makes you wonder if Tequila is trying to boost her popularity at the expense of a befuddled but nationally known Merriman.

In any case, Shawne Merriman, you’ve got to make better decisions.

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If Owens Says They’re Wrong, The San Diego Chargers Have Got To Be Right

Terrell was simply voicing his opinion, so I don’t blame the man for his thoughts. However, if Owens thinks that the Chargers fining Antonio Cromartie for popping off on Twitter is wrong, the Bolts have got to be right.

“I think it’s ridiculous,” Owens told reporters on Friday.

“You know you’re going to get my honest opinion about it, and for someone to get fined $2,500 dollars because he tweeted that the cafeteria food is bad, then maybe they need to change it, you know?

“I mean, that’s just his opinion, and I feel him. I think across the board with a lot of teams we’ve been in camp situation and the food always kind of starts off good and tapers off somewhere along the way, so what’s wrong with that? Voicing your opinion is no different than saying practice is too hard.”

Voicing your opinion? Practice is too hard? That is why a guy like Owens doesn’t fit into a winning organization like the Chargers very long before being run out of town on a rail.

The Chargers thrive off of high character guys like Quentin Jammer, Philip Rivers, LaDainian Tomlinson, and, yes, Shawne Merriman. 

The man who gave up eighteen catches to Brandon Marshall and then tried to blame Marge the Lunch Lady for it needs to shut up and play.

According to Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union Tribue:

After perceiving that cornerback Antonio Cromartie had dogged it on a play, Merriman yelled at the cornerback. When Cromartie yelled back, according to sources, Merriman shot back at Cromartie that he wanted to win a Super Bowl and Cromartie better get on board.

Only days before Cromartie was slapped with a $2,500 fine for claiming that the “nasty” cafeteria food may be the reason the Chargers haven’t made it to the Super Bowl (as opposed to his lousy pass defense against the Steelers, Broncos, Colts, Panthers, Falcons, and so on) John from boltfromtheblue.com had this to say:

HOLD ON.  I need to interject here.  Somebody needs to tell Antonio that he’s costing himself money with his Twitter account.  Right now he’s posting non-stop about Mike Vick, and he’s siding with the guy!  Let the man prove that prison has changed him before you proclaim him a new man.  Before this Vick mess, Cro has used his Twitter account to fight (“@weavons3 man who the fuck are you nigga that’s my girl nigga don’t ever disrespect me.”), show off his diet of greasy food (Popeye’s, Roscoe’s, Cheesecake Factory), admitted to some criminal activity from his high school days (put sugar in a teacher’s gas tank, robbed 3 people, threatened a teacher, maybe sold drugs) and admitted to getting into FSU without ever taking a foreign language.  Slow down Cro!  Although….I do like that he’s coming to camp with a mohawk.

When you add this to the fact that the man has seven kids in five states(!) and he has the blessing of one of the most divisive personalities in NFL history, the Bolts were definitely right to hand down a fine for criticizing the team.

Could you see Shawne Merriman, LaDainian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers, the departed Drew Brees, or Quentin Jammer behaving in this manner?

The man is out of control and if the fine helps him grow up a little (highly doubtful), he is paying the team for a service. Owens may never understand putting the team first, but that is what the Bolts are all about. 

Honestly though, this is nothing that 14 interceptions or so can’t fix.

New York Signs a ‘Giant’ Replacement for Plaxico Burress (Satire)

Just days after failing to lure the Sears Tower from Chicago to replace troubled 9’6″ wide receiver Plaxico Burress, the Giants scored big by signing the Empire State Building to snag Eli Manning’s blimp-like passes.

The Sears Tower scoffed at NFL Network analyst Adam Schefter’s claim that he wasn’t ready for the bright lights of the city that never sleeps.

“That pompous ass Schefter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m from Chicago, player. My stats man…Even I can’t get up high enough to get those wounded ducks Manning chucks. Who do I look like, Plaxico Burress?”

The Empire State Building wasted no time letting anybody with in ear shot know that he is up for the challenge. 

“Yo God, I’m the big man up here in New York. I can go up and get it. (You) know what I mean? Catching Eli’s ducks will be a whole lot easier than catching all those little ass pigeons.”

Building took a parting shot at the Sears Tower.

“It’s like my man the late great Biggie Smalls said. The city didn’t need that Tower anyway. When the game’s on the line, he’ll drop passes unexpectedly like bird ( expletive).”

Building went on to say he’s been waiting for this chance ever since watching David Tyree struggle to bring down Eli’s perfectly thrown fourth quarter pass on 3rd and 5 against the New England Patriots in the 2007 Super Bowl.

“You kidding me?” Building exclaimed, “The ball was only 12 feet high! My son could have gone up and got that one.”

Former Giants GM Ernie Acorsi explained that putting thousands of employees out of work and hundreds of companies out of business was necessary if “Big Blue” is to win another championship with Eli Manning at the helm.

“It’s like I said before, Eli is better than Philip Rivers, Osi Umenyiora is better than Shawne Merriman, and now the Empire State Building will be better than Antonio Gates ever was. Empire has the talent to go up thousands of feet to grab those helium fueled bombs that Eli lofts, if need be. The league is not ready. I for one am proud of (current Giants GM) Floyd Reese for making the tough decision.”

Oakland Raider Al Davis has taken note, trying to sign the Golden Gate Bridge to stretch the field vertically in a whole different way. Bridge, however, was not interested in the “mad house” that is the Raiders until “Crazy Al” is no longer running the once-proud franchise.

To accommodate Building’s extraordinary height, Roger Goodell has declared that all dome teams on the Giants’ schedule must now play any scheduled home games against Big Blue at Giants Stadium in New Jersey, angering the entire city of New Orleans.

The Saints were scheduled to host the Giants on October 8. 

“Sacré bleu!” yelled New Orleans Saints fan Pierre LaFleur, “First he gives the Giants our home game after Katrina, then he ships the team off to London to play the Chargers, now he’s stolen another one from us!”

The Minnesota Vikings, who also lost a home game with the Building signing, relish the chance for a ninth city to experience the coming of the profit Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson. Long-time Minnesota resident Cheryl Booker was particularly excited.

“Those fine folks in New York are very blessed to have an opportunity to see Purple Jesus live. Seeing his revival on the television isn’t the same, don’t cha know?”

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