Brett Favre Retires and Comes Back In Third Quarter Of Latest Viking Loss

CHARLOTTE, NC—Seemingly bored with retiring and coming back after a season is over, Brett Favre tried to retire and come back during last night’s loss to Carolina.

“We were losing and I was getting hit,” Favre told the media afterwards. “So naturally it came up.”

“I told the little guy with the beard and glasses (Viking Head Coach Brad Childress) that I was done and I had nothin’ left to give,” Favre went on to say. “He told me if I didn’t retire I could ride in the Escalade again, but at that point my mind was made up.”

It was also at that point many people watching at home and fans in the stands thought they saw tears streaming from the ever-emotional Favre’s face.

“Honestly, at first I thought it was just normal, everyday crying, ‘cause you know, he does that,” Viking Offensive Guard Steve Hutchinson said. “Then when I saw the cell phone come out and the media start flocking, I knew we had a retirement announcement.”

Sports Illustrated ’s Peter King was first on the scene, cleverly dressed as a Viking assistant coach.

But in a major media first, King and NBC sideline reporter Andrea Kremer were the only two reporters to show to the hastily called press conference, as Bob Costas was reportedly sleeping in the NBC booth, waiting to wrap up the game with a lyrically emotional, yet concrete summation of both teams effort levels and sportsmanship.

And this unbelievable news comes mere days after Favre told USA Today ’s Jon Saraceno he will retire if the Vikings win the Super Bowl.

While chaos raged mere feet behind him on the Viking sideline, Head Coach Brad Childress stayed calm, even though he knew what was transpiring, “Oh sure I knew (about the retirement), he told me. He tried the same deal during the Detroit game and the Green Bay game as well.”

Childress explained, “I remember seeing him during halftime at Lambeau writing his new retirement speech. He asked me to proofread it.”

Apparently, the reported friction between Favre and Childress came after Favre— annoyed by the weak media turnout—cut his retirement announcement to King and Kramer short, to tell Childress he wanted to go back in the 7-6 game.

“I said, ‘look you just told me you retired how can I put you back in?’,” Childress recounted. “And he said that for all he’s done for this organization he deserved another shot, to which I replied, ‘but you RETIRED five minutes ago!,’” the mild-manner Childress seemed to get visibly aggravated when relaying the story.

Undaunted, the never-say-die, gun-slinging Favre continued to press Childress, who ultimately relented and put Favre back in the 26-7 shellacking delivered by the lowly Panthers.

“Anyone who knows me or has played with me, knows I love this game,” Favre emoted. “And to think that I would retire, or leave a team after making a such a big deal in coming back, they’re crazy, even if they heard me say it.”

“I guess me and Flanders, (his personal nickname for Childress, referencing Homer Simpson’s neighbor in The Simpsons ), ain’t gonna agree on everything. Oh, well that’s the NFL,” Favre wistfully said.

Favre’s agent Bus Cook was outside the Viking locker room after last night’s game, holding court and doing damage control.

“Brett did not retire in tonight’s game, that was just a rumor he started,” Cook said.

“As always, Brett will make a heartfelt, emotional retirement at the end on this season, just like 2007, 2008, 2009. After that, he’ll take four or five weeks off to reconsider and then be back right after training camp is over to prove to everyone that ran him out of the league, that he can still play. Thanks, see y’all then,” Cook concluded.

Interestingly, neither King nor Kramer reported this story.

Reportedly, Favre personally guaranteed that they’ll be the first ones he calls, when he decides whether or not to continue playing at the end of the season—or the end of next week’s first quarter at Chicago.

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NFL Week Three Hal-Oscopes: Trust Me, It Might Happen

Week Two provided many wonderful and horrific football events to ponder and puzzle over.

For instance: when will the Texans’ Steve Slaton wake up and realize the regular season has started?

Are the Browns really not going to score an offensive touchdown all year?

Are L.T. and Brian Westbrook both finished?

And well, well, lookie here. Turns out Eli Manning does have some people to throw to.

Week Three will begin to provide some more answers to all of our nagging questions, but for those who can’t wait for the actual games this Sunday and Monday, I give you the Hal-Oscopes.

For those new readers, the Hal-Oscopes are a horoscope of sorts (not really, but play along), for a select group of NFL players and personalities. They are a mystic, cosmic, (and let’s hope) comedic foretelling of the future by the stars.

Brady Quinn (Sunday @ Baltimore)

Quinn is an air sign, which could mean that he’s going to air it out against the not-as-good-as they should be Raven defense. But due to a pathetic running game, average o-line and the decision making speed of a Galapagos Island Turtle, it really means he will spend the majority of his day on his back, staring into the air, sky, and heavens. God Bless, Brady.

Terrell Owens (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Owens scored one TD last week and could’ve easily scored another one as the Bills beat the punch-less Buccaneers. Owens’ ruling planet is Mercury. And Mercury tells us (not is so many words, mind you) that when Owens lines up this Sunday he will be consumed with anger and jealously from watching the Saints aerial assault. Luckily, this is how TO normally plays and lives. So naturally, the Bills upset the undefeated Saints.

Jim Zorn (Sunday @ Detroit)

As a former quarterback Zorn, is either a) confused, b) sickened, or c) confused and sickened when he watches his team play offense. Whatever the answer is, it’s his fault, so he better fix it. The problem is Apollo’s Moon is on the rise and that means trouble on the celestial horizon for Zorn. Unreal expectations and very real communication problems will plague Zorn along with the earthly, plain fact that the Lions are due! That’s right, expecting a win will not make you win. The Lions will win and Zorn’s head coaching job may not make it out of the locker.

Brian Westbrook (Sunday vs. Kansas City)

It appears Westbrook has angered some sort of foot-ankle god, (not sure which one that is, have to look it up) and he will be doubtful for this Sunday — this after off-season surgery and not participating in training camp at all. Before the sands run out on Westbrook’s career, he needs to make peace with this foot-ankle god immediately and beg for mercy. This week, the ankle god will laugh at Westbrook and give him a DNP for his trouble.

Kerry Collins (Sunday @ New York Jets)

Collins has had regenerative spirits smile on him for a quite a while now, after being left for dead many times in the past. That karma and the approaching September equinox will shine more good consequence on Collins, as desperation (and a screaming Jeff Fisher) push he and his Titans over the top against the surprising Jets, who wrongly do not observe September equinoxes. Big mistake.

The Green Bay Defense (Sunday @ St.Louis)

After a tough week of preparation following an embarrassing home loss to the Bengals, the Packer defense will experience a light, cheery day on Sunday. Grey skies will lighten, the sun will shine on them (metaphorically, in the Rams stupid dome) and they will smile, laugh, and humiliate the Rams in front of their families and fans. Ah, football.

Kurt Warner (Sunday vs. Indianapolis)

The deeply religious Warner had god-like accuracy in the Cards win over the Jags last week. His faith will be rewarded again this week, as he very generously spreads the ball around against the bend-and-bend-some-more defense of the Colts. It’s not exactly The Devil vs. God, but Warner vs. Manning should good viewing for all us sinners.

Matt Forte (Sunday @ Seattle)

Forte’s fortunes have had a swift downturn this year with the arrival of big-mouth, big-arm Jay Cutler. Bears Offensive Coordinator Ron Turner may be too far-gone on the Cutler Kool-Aid, but the new lunar cycle and Seattle’s defensive personnel strongly suggest otherwise. Strongly enough that even someone as dumb (or drugged) as Turner can see that Forte should be allowed to punish the Seattle defense for one really good reason: he can.

Mike Singletary (Sunday @ Minnesota)

Singletary is off to a good cosmic start in San Fran and his enthusiastic approach is beginning to catch on. But his smash-mouth style is about to be introduced to Mr. Smash Mouth, Adrian Peterson. Their Sunday meeting promises to be very rocky. But Peterson figures to make the niner defense love him or die trying. A very risky relationship approach.

Carson Palmer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Palmer’s pride seems to have the gotten the better of him last week by playing well and in turn, slowing his getaway out of Cincy. But fear not Carson, you can easily go back to tanking games for the Bengals this week. The Steelers will arrive in town with an aggressive lunar entry into Jupiter and a super aggressive front seven on defense coming off a close loss to the Bears. Payback will be gotten my dear Carson, cosmic and otherwise.

That’s all I can see for this week. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone. Be ready for next week before it comes and look for the NFL Hal-Oscopes next Friday.

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The Future Revealed: NFL Week Two Hal-Oscopes

Amazing how one week of real football changes many of things we knew were true during five weeks of preseason football.

The Houston Texans and their amazing exploding offense? Yeah, check back next week.

Jay Cutler: best Chicago Bears quarterback ever? Not yet, especially after a four-pick week.

LaDainian Tomlinson back to his old form, ready to rock the perennially pathetic Oakland Raiders? How about ready to rock the walking boot again?

Those are just a few of the many reasons the NFL is consistently awesome and confounding at the same time. In the words of Hollywood screenwriting legend, “nobody knows anything.”

So, in an effort to help and (honestly, just make some jokes), I’ve looked to the stars for advice.

It’s just like a horoscope for prominent NFL players, coaches and management figures, only it’s not based on anything remotely scientific or concrete—which I guess makes more like a real horoscope than I intended.

 

Matt Hasselbeck (Sunday @ San Francisco)

Hasselbeck experienced a cosmic resurgence last week in the home opener against St. Louis, although St. Louis appears to specialize in that kind of thing for opponents.

Hasselbeck looks to have a much tougher week fraught with danger, intrigue and some actual physical contact from the other team. Expect a high ankle sprain and/or a separated shoulder.

 

Kevin Kolb (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Kolb, pronounced Cobb (as in Randall “Tex”), is in line for his first career start Sunday in Philadelphia. If he were lucky, it would be on the road. If he were any good, it would’ve already happened.

Saturn may be in his retrograde, but Garcia is staring over his shoulder and will be on the field before this one is over, leaving the multi-interception throwing Kolb to reunite with his beloved clipboard again.

 

John Fox (Sunday @ Atlanta)

This week, the Carolina head coach is hoping for a reversal of turnover fortune after QB Jake Delhomme threw approximately 47 picks last week.

Praying for a new lunar cycle may help, but showing blind loyalty and starting the aging-by-the-second Delhomme again definitely won’t. Assume the crash position, Panther fans.

Adrian Peterson (Sunday @ Detroit)

Peterson’s Sunday will prove just being in Detroit doesn’t make one a loser.  Opportunity will knock and Peterson will answer, say hello and spend some quality time with him.

Who knows where his stars are, but Peterson and his offensive line are in Detroit and that means many yards and visits to the house—and not the house of the rising sun.

 

Hunter Hillenmeyer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Hillenmeyer will be taking over the middle linebacker spot for injured Bear Brian Urlacher this week in Solider Field.

Hillenmeyer, though not as fast, strong, or instinctive as Urlacher, will prominently figure in the outcome of the game, probably by missing a couple of big tackles.

Fortunately for him, Jay Cutler’s chakras are in order, which mean he will throw the ball to the right team, while Big Ben pumps fakes one too many times. Bears in a mild upset.

 

Kerry Rhodes (Sunday vs. New England)

The Jet safety is looking at strong celestial anti-current blowing his way. His is also looking at having his words shoved up his rear end by the best QB-WR combination in football.

Physical and emotionally fragile Texan QB Matt Schaub is one thing, but talking trash and threatening to embarrass the steel-plated Brady almost ensures negative future consequences.

Hasn’t this guy watched the NFL for the last five, six years? What a dummy. 

 

Phillip Rivers (Sunday vs. Baltimore)

Rivers acquired some bad karma last week by taunting of the Raiders after his Chargers squeaked out a win.

Rivers’ distinctly unlikable personality will combine with the Ravens’ distinctly vicious defense to create a surprisingly watchable game where you will find yourself rooting for everyone to kill everyone else.

Except Darren Sproles—everyone likes the lightning bug. The Ravens shut up Rivers. Temporarily.

Steve Slaton (Sunday @Tennessee)

The nocturnal arc of Jupiter tells me Slaton will get more than 17 yards rushing this week against Tennessee, a team he fared very well against last year.

Nocturnal arcs also involve upturns in personal relationships, so maybe Slaton will make friends with the football and stop dropping it when it just wants to be held.

Jerry Jones (Sunday Night vs. New York Giants)

Bright media lights shine and converge on Jones’ gargantuan new stadium this Sunday night against the Giants. Jones’ plastic face and personality will do their best to schmooze the cameras.

But seeing that he is a fire sign, it all figures to burn as they have to re-kick seven straight punts for hitting the too-low video board and the Giants defensive line forces Romo to revert to his normal choking, small-play self.

Jason Campbell (Sunday vs. St. Louis)

The sun, moon and points will rise this week for Campbell. Magical events will take place right before him: receivers will be open, defensive assignments will be missed, interceptions will be dropped.

Though there is no astrological explanation for this good will, there is an earthly one: the Rams stink.

 

Peyton Manning (Monday @ Miami)

Though it figures to be warm and swampy in South Florida, Manning will experience an out-of-body coolness. A one-ness with football, his team and his objective.

Manning will be focused and productive but will also experience great joy, as he realizes will not have to listen to Jon Gruden’s John Wayne-like cadence or Mike Tirico’s gratingly condescending tone. A truly heavenly occurrence for any Monday Night fan.

That’s all the stars and charts tell me for now. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone, and look for the Hal-oscopes next week.

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