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NFL Power Rankings Week Seven: Vikings Ride Brett Favre Mojo
Published: October 20, 2009
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By the UO Sports Dude
This was one of the worst sports weekends of my life. The Oregon Ducks had the week off, the 49ers were on a bye, the A’s are long gone, and it’s still preseason for the Warriors and the Sharks (wait, we’re two weeks into the NHL regular season already? I had no idea).
Without the privilege of watching my beloved Ducks on Saturday, I was forced to watch something only one step below water boarding on the torture scale—Big Ten football. Iowa-Wisconsin, Ohio State-Purdue, Penn State-Minnesota? Gross. And by the way, what’s Michigan doing playing an FCS team in Week Seven?
It was so bad I chose to write my four-page philosophy essay instead. The only reason I retained my sanity through the weekend was the NFL Red Zone channel.
But all will be made up for next weekend, when I travel to Seattle for the first time to support the Ducks in Husky Stadium. Who cares if my seats are in Lake Washington.
On to the rankings.
32 (32) – Rams:
Somebody please tell me why the Red Zone channel kept flashing back to this game during the last few minutes of the Ravens-Vikings game? Really. Did anybody outside of St. Louis or Jacksonville care? Hell, did anybody in St. Louis or Jacksonville care?
31 (30) – Buccaneers:
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they lose to Jake Delhomme’s Carolina Panthers. At home. The only bright spot was Cadillac Williams’ performance, because now my roommate can shut up about him being the reason why his fantasy football team is 1-5. Your QB is Mark Sanchez! Cadillac isn’t the problem.
30 (25) – Titans:
This team couldn’t find an identity—until this week. They are now officially the best worst team in the AFC. And after witnessing Derek Anderson’s appallingly dreadful performance last week, Kerry Collins had to one-up him. He threw for negative seven yards in 12 attempts. Seriously. How bad can Vince Young be?
29 (27) – Browns:
Just so you get a sense of how truly pathetic Cleveland is, their top performer, according to the Yahoo! Sports box score, was fullback Lawrence Vickers, who had one touch for one yard.
28 (26) – Lions:
Scrappiness can only take you so far when you have almost zero talent. Jim Schwartz is a good coach, but can you really expect them to score even once when their QBs are Dante Culpepper and Mike Stanton and their number one wide out is Dennis Northcutt?
27 (28) – Chiefs:
That’s an odd way to score 14 points. Four field goals and a safety.
26 (24) – Redskins:
Washington has faced a winless team in every single game so far and they are still 2-4. If that doesn’t deserve firing, then I don’t know what does.
25 (31) – Raiders:
This could be the biggest upset in the history of survival football pools. Servers are still crashing as we speak.
24 (28) – Bills:
You force seven turnovers and still need overtime to score 16 points? Something tells me the Jets lost this game more than Buffalo won it.
23 (19) – Seahawks:
Fourteen total rushing yards. 0-11 on third down. Five sacks allowed. Seventeen minutes of possession. Talk about a bad football team. The bye week couldn’t come at a better time.
22 (23) – Panthers:
Why wouldn’t teams stack nine in the box? Jake Delhomme now has thrown 14 interceptions in his last six games and has a 56.8 QB rating for the season.
21 (22) – Jaguars:
The Jags were 11-16 on third down, outgained the Rams by 230 yards, and had only three penalties for 15 yards, yet still needed overtime to beat the least talented team in the NFL. How does that happen?
20 (17) – Dolphins:
The home team coming off of a bye week theory gets a big test this weekend when the Saints come to town. Not buying it.
19 (11) – Jets:
Congratulations to Mark Sanchez for becoming the first two-time winner of the weekly Simple Jack Award. Hey Mark, never go full retard.
18 (21) – Texans:
Houston made the Bengals look like, well, the Bengals. Matt Schaub has become a fantasy must-start every week.
17 (18) – Cowboys:
The epitome of mediocrity. 3-0 versus losing teams and 0-2 versus winners. Fantasy note: I am never drafting Roy Williams again.
16 (20) – Cardinals:
What is Arizona going to do when they play a team that takes away the pass? Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower are getting it done less than my food situation at home. I’ve been living off of Power Bars and instant oatmeal packets for two weeks. College.
15 (10) – Bengals:
This is what Jeffri Chadiha had to say about Cincinnati in ESPN’s power rankings this week: “Matt Schaub shredded them in their loss to Houston.” Thanks for all the hard work and insight you put into that one, Jeffri.
14 (16) – Packers:
And if his analysis of the Bengals wasn’t enough, Chadiha had this to say about Green Bay: “They still haven’t found a way to protect QB Aaron Rodgers.” ESPN, you seriously can’t find anyone better than this guy?
13 (15) – Chargers:
I hate fantasy football. Losing by three coming into Monday Night’s game, I owned Eddie Royal and Darren Sproles. Thanks to the amazing score settings in my lone remaining undefeated league, I received a total of 1.40 points from the duo, despite a combined three return touchdowns. Is there any activity more popular than fantasy football that causes so many complaints?
12 (6) – Eagles:
Is there anything more embarrassing for a head coach than losing to JaMarcus Russell? I can’t think of anything.
11 (13) – Bears:
Another gem from Chadiha: “Red zone problems killed them in a loss to Atlanta.” My freakin’ 11-year-old brother could have told me that.
10 (12) – 49ers:
Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Yeah, I’m kinda excited.
9 (9) – Ravens:
Baltimore almost completed the greatest comeback of the season. Too bad almost counts for diddly squat. We almost made the playoffs. I almost won the lottery. They almost successfully completed your kidney transplant. You get the idea. Almost isn’t good.
8 (8) – Falcons:
Atlanta and New Orleans could be the most exciting division race this season. Their Week Eight will tell us a lot.
7 (14) – Steelers:
Big Ben is back, thanks to the re-emergence of one of the toughest football players in the NFL: Hines Ward. Man, does he play football the right way.
6 (4) – Giants:
The Saints stomped Eli Manning and the Giants so badly, that New Orleans even let Mark Brunell onto the field. Yes, that Mark Brunell. The one who hasn’t attempted a pass since 2006, and is making just under $5 million this season. Seriously.
5 (7) – Patriots:
This game looked eerily reminiscent of 2007. Have Tom Brady and the boys finally got their mojo back? We won’t find out until they play Indy in Week Ten, but it will be fun to see how many points they can put up at Tampa Bay on Sunday. Is 60 out of the question?
4 (5) – Broncos:
Josh McDaniels for Coach of the Year. That is all.
3 (3) – Colts:
I don’t have anything new to say because of the bye, so I’ll just repeat what I said last week:
The only thing better than Peyton Manning is this article from CNN. For all guys past puberty, Christmas just came early. This could transform college campuses, save marriages, and possibly bring world peace. Seriously, guys, you want to read this.
2 (2) – Saints:
Drew Brees passed for 369 yards and four touchdowns and I was still outscored by my opponent’s QB. I would be mad if I didn’t have such crazy man-love for Tom Brady.
1 (1) – Vikings:
I think someone brainwashed Brett Favre into thinking it’s 2001. He cannot possibly still be this good. So far, this is statistically the best season of his career. Wow.
Read more NFL news on BleacherReport.com
NFL Power Rankings Week 5: Brett Favre Edition
Published: October 6, 2009
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I wonder what’s sorer right now: Brett Favre’s almost 40-year-old right arm, from throwing all over the Packers defense, or his nuts, from getting sucked on by every commentator in the history of football, especially Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski last night. The love fest was sickening.
From how the Monday Night Football announcers called every single play, it was as if Favre just parted the Red Sea. Actually, to those guys, Moses doesn’t have anything on Brett Favre.
For those of you who aren’t social media friendly, I highly recommend getting a Twitter account, just so you can follow all of the Favre bashing its millions of users are simultaneously tweeting. Here are some of the best from last night:
“Flag for playing defense against Brett Favre.”
“For his next trick, Brett Favre will cure cancer, heal the sick, and give sight to the blind.”
“If you’re just tuning in—Brett Favre is playing very well for having three middle-aged men sucking him off at once.”
“Judging from the radio, Favre is going to find Boomer Esiason waiting in his hot tub with a bottle of wine after the game”
“BREAKING NEWS: In place of ESPN’s 30 for 30 series, there will just be 30 documentaries on how great Brett Favre is.”
“Favre had time to retire and unretire three more times while in the pocket on that play.”
“When anyone but Brett Favre throws a ball eight yards on 3rd-and-13, it’s the worst crime a QB could commit. When Favre does it, it’s genius.”
“Honestly, it’s like Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws are David Letterman and Brett Favre is a ‘Late Show’ intern.”
“Have to turn channel—three-and-a-half hours of Favre worship is all I can handle.”
You get the idea. On to the rankings.
32 (32): Rams
Kyle Boller’s QB ratings by season: 62.4, 70.9, 71.8, 104 (in 55 attempts), 75.2, 63.2. Yeah, he’s the guy that’s gonna turn the franchise around.
31 (28): Raiders
This just in: I think JaMarcus Russell just overthrew another receiver. In other news, Oakland hasn’t scored a touchdown in two weeks.
30 (31): Browns
Hey Rich Gannon, you know overtime is sudden death, right?
29 (29): Buccaneers
Raheem Morris is still young enough to play Madden with his buddies, right? Well, I hope he doesn’t play with his Bucs because he’ll find out that his starting quarterback in real life is rated a 57. Not a good sign.
28 (30): Chiefs
Matt Cassel: Your garbage time all-star of the week! After throwing for 57 yards in the first three quarters, Cassel decided it was time to step up and save his stat line by throwing two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. Sadly, he still finished with 127 yards and a completion percentage of 47. Way to earn your paycheck, buddy.
27 (27): Lions
Detroit gave up 48 points despite allowing only 276 yards. That has to be some kind of record. But on the bright side, you just talked Matt Forte fantasy owners down off the ledge. That’s gotta count for something.
26 (26): Panthers
This might be the only time I say this all season: Jake Delhomme didn’t throw an interception this week! Don’t worry though, Jake—you’ll make up for it this week.
25 (22): Bills
Randy McMichael, Greg Camarillo, and even teammates Fred Jackson, Josh Reed, and Derek Schourman all have more catches this year than Terrell Owens. Hey T.O., how are you liking Buffalo?
24 (24): Redskins
I’m not sure which is more embarrassing: needing a second-half comeback to beat the Bucs at home, or the possibility of losing back-to-back games against the winless Panthers and Chiefs.
23 (18): Titans
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.” Now I finally understand what George Bush was trying to say.
22 (23): Seahawks
Seattle’s O-line is hurting more than Lindsey Lohan when she tries to think.
21 (25): Dolphins
If only they could play the Bills every week. Their next four games are the Jets, Saints, Jets again, and the Patriots. Think they might put some pressure on Chad Henne? Yeah, me too.
20 (20): Cardinals
After having Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Steve Breaston, and Tim Hightower all on one fantasy team last season (yes, I won the league), boy, am I glad I didn’t buy into Arizona this season.
19 (19): Texans
Their defense really isn’t that good, and the Raiders are horrible, but to hold Oakland to six points and 165 yards is pretty good. Even better? Oakland’s top performer, according to the Yahoo! box score, was Darrius Heyward-Bey—with one catch for 18 yards.
18 (21): Jaguars
I played a fantasy team this weekend with David Garrard and Mike Sims-Walker. Thank you, Tennessee, for turning an easy win into my first loss of the season.
17 (15): Cowboys
Their defense made Kyle Orton actually look good. ‘Nuff said.
16 (17): Bengals
If I hear one more time that they’re one play away from being undefeated, I’m going to explode. This team is not that good. Let’s see how they do in Baltimore next week.
15 (10): Packers
Lost in all the man-love for Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers had a fantastic night despite a horrid O-line. I’m pretty sure he knows by now what Jared Allen ate for dinner last night.
14 (8): Chargers
Hey San Diego, it was nice of you to show up in the second half. I didn’t think you were gonna make it.
13 (13): Steelers
Dear Pittsburgh secondary, thank you for allowing Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates to lead the most improbable comeback in fantasy football history. Sincerely, I Love Lamp, 4-0.
12 (14): Bears
Biggest fantasy goat of the week: Chicago wide receivers. They put up 48 points, and not a single player had more than 32 yards.
11 (11): Falcons
Huge test this weekend in San Francisco. This trip to the Bay Area should be a little harder than last year, when they played the Raiders.
10 (9): Eagles
Why sign Michael Vick and deal with all that media backlash if you aren’t even going to use him? They had the perfect opportunity when Donovan McNabb was out. With Donovan returning soon, at least Vick will have more time to devote to his PETA spokesman duties.
9 (16): Broncos
I wanted to see Denver break the top 10 this week before they lose every game until nine. New England, San Diego, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh. If they even go 2-2 during that stretch, they’re for real.
8 (12): 49ers
I don’t know if it’s because I like Mike Singletary, I picked up the San Francisco D/ST and Vernon Davis last week, or because I am a Niners fan, but I love this team. I expect at least 10 wins and a playoff win this season. Is that too much to ask?
7 (7): Jets
Hey Mark Sanchez, never go full retard.
6 (1): Ravens
That stop at No. 1 didn’t last very long. That being said, I expect them to bounce back and win that division by at least three games.
5 (4): Giants
Good news, fellow Eli Manning haters. Plantar fasciitis plus cold weather will make for a tough month for the spoiled younger Manning brother.
4 (6): Colts
In other Manning news, Peyton is quietly solidifying himself as the early favorite for MVP.
3 (5): Patriots
Give Tom Brady time in the pocket, and he’ll make you pay. With his receivers getting healthy and chemistry forming on defense, New England will once again be in the mix come January.
2 (3): Saints
Drew Brees, you’re killing me. No touchdowns in two straight games? But what’s bad for my fantasy teams is scarier for the rest of the NFL. The Saints are winning with defense and the running game.
1 (2): Vikings
If I hear about how much fun Brett Favre is having one more time, I’m going to stab somebody with an ice pick. Seriously, we get it. Brett Favre is the best football player in the history of the NFL. Now can ESPN move on to more important things, like the WNBA finals? Wait, those are over already? I had no idea.
Read more NFL news on BleacherReport.com
Week Four NFL Power Rankings: Baltimore Ravens on Top
Published: September 29, 2009
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My lovely girlfriend drove up with me this weekend to see me off back to school in Oregon and how did I repay her?
By watching football, more football, football video games and then even more football. I actually feel kind of bad, considering she is not a football fan. Let’s just say, when I said the Cowboys are playing on Monday Night Football, she asked me, “Who are the Cowboys?”
But don’t you worry; I made it up to her. And now I’ll make it up to you by delivering the funniest, most informative NFL Power Rankings you will read all week (as long as it’s the only one).
32 (32)—Rams—The only thing more depressing than the Rams season is the latest episode of Entourage. Turtle got dumped, Drama had a heart attack, and E had an STD scare. Who wrote this, Joseph Merrick?
31 (31)—Browns—Take a look at Cleveland’s team stat leaders. Brady Quinn has 400 yards, Jamal Lewis has 95, and Braylon Edwards has 139. Those would only be mildly impressive for one game. Somewhere Matthew Berry is crying.
30 (30)—Chiefs—There’s a legitimate chance that Kansas City won’t get a win until Week Nine. They play the Giants, Cowboys, at Washington, and San Diego. On the bright side, kicker RyanSuccop is perfect so far on the season.
29 (28)—Buccaneers—Does Raheem Morris really think Josh Johnson is the answer to his team’s offensive woes? I mean, he’s not even the best Josh Johnson in the state of Florida.
28 (25)—Raiders—The only reasons JaMarcus Russell is still starting are Charlie Frye and Bruce Gradkowski. Is the quarterback from “Glee” available?
27 (29)—Lions—Detroit fans celebrated the victory like it was 1999. Unfortunately, they won’t be doing it again for a while as they face Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay the next three weeks.
26 (24)—Panthers—This messed me up last night: the Jake Delhomme drinking game. Take a shot every turnover or three and out. Man, that second half was a killer.
25 (26)—Dolphins—Forget Chad Henne, play Pat White! Yes, you might not be very good, but you wouldn’t be anyway, and you’d instantly have the most exciting quarterback since pre-prison Michael Vick.
24 (20)—Redskins—First in free agency, last in the NFC East. After back-to-back pathetic performances against two of the worst teams in the league, the Lions and Rams, Washington gets a chance to play three morewinless teams in row. This could get ugly.
23 (22)—Seahawks—So much for being the sexy sleeper pick in the NFC West. Seneca Wallace looked absolutely terrified that the game came down to him leading a two-minute drill against one of the NFL’s toughest defenses.
22 (21)—Bills—One week after getting his first touchdown for Toronto, T.O. get’s another first: his first game without a reception in 185 contests. Good news though, “Beast Mode” comes back next week.
21 (22)—Jaguars—Even with the win, my buddy Alon has finally come to the conclusion that Jacksonville sucks right now. Good for him.
20 (16)—Cardinals—After losing to the Steelers last February, Arizona is suffering a Super Bowl hangover worse than if Courtney Love and Artie Lang had a cocaine-infused love child and then 19 years later sent it off to college at Arizona State.
19 (17)—Texans—The offense has finally found its groove behind Matt Schaub, but the defense is giving up a league high 436 yards per game. It should be fun on Sunday to see who can suck more, JaMarcus Russell or Houston’s defense.
18 (18)—Titans—I wonder how quickly Kerry Collins could down a six-pack. Three minutes? Five, tops?
17 (23)—Bengals—They’re a fluke catch from a white wide receiver away from being 3-0. And I had them at No. 32 in the preseason. I’m still not buying it 100 percent, but I owe Cincinnati an apology.
16 (19)—Broncos—I know they haven’t played anybody yet, but after all that has been said about how terrible their defense would be, it’s pretty impressive that they’ve allowed only 16 points in three games. Unfortunately, there’s a pretty realistic chance they will be 4-6 after Week 12. The upcoming schedule is brutal.
15 (14)—Cowboys—Did what they were supposed to do against the rotting corpse of Jake Delhomme. Don’t be impressed.
14 (13)—Bears—Hey Chicago, it feels pretty good to finally have a real quarterback, doesn’t it? Although it was fun to see Jay Mariotti complain about Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman on Around the Horn.
13 (6)—Steelers—I know the loss of Troy Polamalu hurts, but come on, the Bengals, really? Give the man a Coke Zero, and get him back out onto the field.
12 (12)—49ers—I’m sold. Going into Minnesota and giving the Vikings all they could handle was impressive. And even more importantly, Vernon Davis finally flashed the potential that made him the NFL’s highest paid tight end in 2006. With Frank Gore out for three weeks, this is Davis’ chance to really step up and carry the offense.
11 (7)—Falcons—Tim Hightower, Kevin Smith and pothead Ricky Williams are all ahead of Michael Turner in fantasy points this season. This makes me smile.
10 (15)—Packers—I wonder how many hours this week ESPN will spend hyping up Brett Favre’s first game against Green Bay. How many hours are there ’til Sunday? Yeah, that many.
9 (9)—Eagles—Michael Vick said after the game that his return to the field (and two incomplete passes) was a top three moment in his career. I’m guessing he’s not counting his dog-fighting career. What, too soon?
8 (8)—Chargers—
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s—that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Is any of that football related? No, I just thought it was funny.
7 (11)—Jets—Mark Sanchez is the first rookie quarterback to ever start 3-0. Of all the quarterbacks in NFL history, Mark Frikkin’ Sanchez. I am an Oregon fan, remember?
6 (10)—Colts—Arizona might not have the most impressive defense, but what Peyton Manning did on Sunday was pretty damn impressive. You can give them the previously and perennially overrated AFC South right now.
5 (5)—Patriots—Now that’s more like it. Without Wes Welker, Tom Brady and New England outclassed Atlanta in every facet of the game. Even grandpa Fred Taylor had over 100 yards and a touchdown.
4 (4)—Giants—The G-men held the always dangerous Tampa Bay offense (ha) to just 86 total net yards. That’s almost as bad as Keanu Reeves’s performance in “Much Ado About Nothing.” Keanu doing Shakespeare? Uckkkk.
3 (3)—Saints—New Orleans blew out the Bills despite a human performance from Drew Brees, by running the football and playing solid defense. That’s frightening.
2 (1)—Vikings—Only Brett Favre would command a career highlight reel during a football game he wasn’t playing in. I almost gagged.
1 (2)—Ravens—This Ravens team is scarier that Keifer Sutherland’s voice in Phone Booth. That still gives me the chills just thinking about it.
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