Did Keith mention that he, Mex and I recently performed Def Leppard’s “Photograph” while naked chicks danced onstage? Yeah, we did. And did he also mention that he and I won our fantasy basketball league? Yesiree. It’s like a 14-year-old boy’s Bucket List fulfilled!

If I could just get that little slut Colleen to let me feel her tits during Seven Minutes In Heaven I could die a happy man.

Huh? Never mind.

As you can tell, it has been a good month for us and for sports. Unfortunately we’ve spit the bit a little recently by not posting about some of the big time going ons. In between rehearsals for said stripper gig, busy work schedules, and fighting off swine flu, we’ve been a little lax on the posts. I did write one classic live blog entry last week that was deleted by a WordPress glitch (it was the “Smile” of lost posts, only if “Smile” didn’t suck).

And despite my ill health, I tried to take a stab at a NFL mock draft post that I aborted quicker than a white girl’s fetus after her visit to the basketball team’s party.

But we’ll make it up to you, dear readers. We should have something up soon about my inaugural foray into fagtasy sports, as well as something on Keith’s Cardinals smacking down my horrific Mets, the Premiership/Champions League, and the NHL and NBA playoffs. Plus whatever new IKH teammate Mex wants to write about.

Or maybe we won’t post anything about any of those topics. Either way I’ve probably piqued your interest. You’re too easy.

Today we’re going to go over all 32 first round picks in this weekend’s NFL draft, as written by someone who knows absolutely nothing about college football. Still, that makes me just as credible as Mel Kiper.

1. Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia: Horrible pick. When was the last time Georgia produced a good pro QB? If you said Fran Tarkenton, you’re right, but you also fucking cheated. Stafford will be a bust in Detroit because the Lions are poorly run, and they gave him an insane contract the day before the draft just to prove that they were decisive. Hitler was pretty decisive too, but that didn’t work out for anyone either.

2. St. Louis Rams – Jason Smith, OT, Baylor: Tell the truth; do you think this guy is white or black? I had to look it up myself, only to find out he’s black. Which makes it a bad pick for St. Louis, not because black guys can’t play on the offensive line, but because the ones that do usually have cool names like Orlando Pace, Andre Geroude and Kareem McKenzie. If you’d asked me at gunpoint, I would’ve told you Jason Smith was a pasty, corn-fed behemoth from Iowa or Kansas, not a brother from a shitty school in Texas. I’m bothered by this.

3. Kansas City Chiefs – Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU: Alright, NOW we’re talking! That’s got the ring of a first round stud. I’ve never seen him play, but Tyson Jackson is going to make huge plays on the line for K.C. Bank on it.

4. Seattle Seahawks – Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest: Not buying it. Wake Forest is a basketball school, and Aaron Curry sounds like a pussy. And besides, doesn’t Seattle need a quarterback to replace Old Man Hasselbeck? Damn skippy they do.

5. New York Jets – Mark Sanchez, QB, USC:  The Jets are so cute, aren’t they? Trading half their team for yet another pipe dream QB to build around is so them. Forgive me for not being impressed, but I see him as a Mexican Matt Leinart. And if that isn’t an Urban Dictionary term for something sexually depraved, then the internet is worthless to us all.

6. Cincinnati Bengals – Andre Smith, OT, Alabama: I didn’t do the actual research, but I believe this is the 139th Andre Smith drafted in the last decade. I can’t remember any of them being any good, so I’m going to say this is another botched pick.

7. Oakland Raiders – Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland: You’ve gotta love crazy Uncle Al. By all accounts this was the most ridiculous pick in the entire draft. I don’t know enough to argue that point, but I do know the world is going to miss Al Davis when he finally leaves this mortal coil and shuffles off to hell where he belongs.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia: Uhhhh, white people…have you noticed the first three offensive linemen picked in this draft are black? I’m a little worried.

9. Green Bay Packers – BJ Raji, DT, Boston College: Reports are this guy was falsely accused of failing a test for marijuana at the scouting combine. Let’s just say he passed the test. I’m sure the accusations weren’t false at all. No surprises here—I love this pick.

10. San Francisco 49ers – Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech: If you had No. 10 in the, “When Will Hernandez Get To A Pick That He’s Actually Seen Play?” pool, you’re a winner. I DID see this guy play once! It was fucking amazing. He, like, caught the winning touchdown against another team in some game that I think was supposed to be really important. You should’ve seen it! I like this pick very, very much.

11. Buffalo Bills – Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State: He’s from Penn State, so he will most definitely be a bust.

12. Denver Broncos – Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia: Proof that the Denver braintrust gets high, and I don’t mean on mountain air. They obviously drafted this guy because his name is funny, as it certainly wasn’t because they needed another running back.

13. Washington Redskins – Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas: Another guy who sounds white but is really black. I know I’m coming off as borderline obsessed with this stuff, but what has this country come to when I can’t tell what race people are by their name? That ain’t progress. Still, I say it’s a good pick.  Why? Shits and giggles, I guess.

14. New Orleans Saints – Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State: It took 14 picks before a defensive back was drafted? I was under the impression they were one of the most sought after commodities in football. But I guess this is a weak CB draft, as evidenced by the fact that the first one taken is from Ohio State—home to as many NFL busts as Penn State. Bad pick.

15. Houston Texans – Brian Cushing, OLB, USC: I don’t like this pick simply because he has long, flowing locks like a Harlequin romance novel coverboy. If I’m wrong I don’t want to be right.

16. San Diego Chargers – Larry English, DE, Northern Illinois: No opinion.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State: Freeman is most often referred to as the biggest “boom or bust” guy in this draft. Translation: He’s a black quarterback. Scouts are wicked racist.

18. Denver Broncos – Robert Ayers, LB, Tennessee: I don’t know if this guy is any good, but I’m giving this pick a thumbs up because he plays defense, which is what Denver needs.

19. Philadelphia Eagles – Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri: Bad pick. All Eagles wide receiver draft picks suck; Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell, Reggie Brown, Jason Avant, even DeSean Jackson, who most surely will punk his way out of the league like Plaxico Burress.

The fact that Philly traded draft picks to move up to get this guy will only make it sweeter when he turns out to be a bust, giving Donovan McNabb yet another thing to cry about. As if that whiny pussy needed any more reasons.

20. Detroit Lions – Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State: Nice name = nice pick. Good job Detroit!

21. Cleveland Browns – Alex Mack, C, California: Fucking holy hell—a white offensive lineman! Call off the dogs, the search is over.

22. Minnesota Vikings – Percy Harvin, WR, Florida: Perhaps the best playmaker in the entire draft dropped all the way to 22 because of off-the-field knucklehead issues. I love when teams draft guys like this knowing full well it’s a gamble that could backfire, then act surprised and indignant when it all goes to shit. This pick gets an A+ for entertainment value alone.

23. Baltimore Ravens – Michael Oher, C, Mississippi: Much like my beloved Jerry Reese and Bill Parcells, I have faith in whoever Baltimore GM Ozzie Newsome picks.

24. Atlanta Falcons – Peria Jerry, DT, Mississippi: Wait a second…two straight draftees out of Mississippi? Ole Miss must’ve been Ole Awesome last year! But I looked it up and they were just 9-4, ranked No. 14 in the country. Not bad, but nothing special. OK, that seals it—one of these last two picks is going to be a complete and utter failure. I’m going with Peria.

25. Miami Dolphins – Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois: Fantastic pick. It’s Parcells, and doesn’t Vontae Davis just sound like a star in the making?

26. Green Bay Packers – Clay Matthews, OLB, USC: Don’t think I’m not onto you Green Bay. I know what your fanbase looks like just as well as you do.

27. Indianapolis Colts – Donald Brown, RB, Connecticut: Have things gone all goofy down there in Hoosier Town? A running back seems like a stretch in the first round, considering they already have Joseph Addai. And a running back from Connecticut is an even bigger stretch. But maybe he’s square enough to fit that square team. He’s off to a good start with that fucking vanila name.

28. Buffalo Bills – Eric Wood, C, Louisville: I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say I don’t have a clue about this pick. Shocker, I know.

29. New York Football Giants – Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina: Aw yeah, that’s my shit! All you other fools are playing for second place now. This guy will be a monster. He’s huge, has such gigantic hands that Nike actually had to custom make gloves for him, and he’s tough as nails. Kind of an Anquan Boldin clone.

The knock is that he’s not super fast. But guess what? Plaxico wasn’t super fast either. People like to make like he was a speed demon, but trust me—he wasn’t. He was a possession guy who didn’t get many yards after the catch, but he moved the chains and suckered smaller DB’s in to set up big plays, which is exactly what Nicks is going to do.

And need I remind you of another first rounder the Giants once drafted out of North Carolina; one Mr. Lawrence Taylor? I like the karma here.

30. Tennessee Titans – Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers: Sucks. I followed this guy because he’s been on the Giants radar, and he’s given a series of interviews that show how arrogant and delusional he is. Dude, you went to fucking Rutgers!

31. Arizona Cardinals – Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB, Ohio State: I give the Cards all the credit in the world on this one. They needed a running game badly, and they just might have gotten it with Beanie. The only surprise is that he was available at No. 31, seeing as how Ohio State players are usually massively overrated.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Evander Hood, DT, Missouri: If you’ve actually made it all the way to the end of this post, I congratulate you. And I think by now you know why I like this pick: He’s got a great name.

(God I hope Mex knows college sports, because I’ve proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don’t.)