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Insanity Spreads Through Redskin Nation
Published: December 9, 2009
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This article is dedicated to Washington Post columnist Mike Wise and the other card-carrying members of Redskin Nation who believe that Washington is somehow better than their 3-9 record .
Just stop.
If the Washington Redskins were a better team, then they would have a better record. Who are the Redskins? Let’s allow Dennis Green to answer this question:
“They are who we thought they are.”
You don’t get to be 3-9 unless you are an incompetent team.
The Redskins are the NFL version of The Jay Leno Show . Last year NBC decided to hand over the 10 p.m. timeslot to Jay Leno as a sort of olive branch in order to keep Leno. By virtue of this deal, NBC said goodbye to its slate of 10 p.m. shows like Law & Order , Medium , and Southland . After much fanfare, Leno’s new show (which looked suspiciously like his old show) is now performing terribly. In fact, it’s performing so badly that local NBC affiliates across the country are losing viewers for their 11 o’clock newscast because Leno is such an awful lead-in.
If Jeff Zucker, the head honcho at NBC, is Dan Snyder, and Leno is the Redskins, then the local NBC affiliates are the Redskin fans.
Can you imagine your local NBC affiliate saying to themselves:
“I know The Jay Leno Show just lost in the ratings to a rerun of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne , but it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s better than what everybody else thinks. It’ll get better.”
This is the sort of silliness that is creeping through far corners of Redskin Nation. There are a lot of folks in the D.C. metro that agree with Mike Wise and this is what they’re telling themselves after last Sunday’s improbable loss to the 12-0 New Orleans Saints.
“We’re almost there. We are getting better. We’ve lost three straight by a total of seven points. Our offense is better. Maybe we should bring everybody back next year. We are so, so close. We aren’t that bad. We’re getting better. We aren’t that bad.”
Now, allow me to quote one of my favorite songs from my teenage years. It’s from a group called Soul II Soul and it says:
“Back to life. Back to reality. “
If you’re a Redskin fan and you’re in the Mike Wise camp, you are delusional. The Redskins are only good at one thing. And that’s covering. For the third straight week, they covered the spread, so if you bet the Vegas line you probably feel great about that.
That’s right. It’s easier to bet against the spread than it is to actually root for the Washington Redskins.
That’s because this is a bad team. Don’t confuse their competitiveness with competence because it ain’t the same thing.
First of all, the great thing about this team is that they have not thrown in the towel on this miserable season. They play hard every week and for that, I commend them.
But they aren’t good enough to win.
After Sunday’s epic meltdown against Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints, I wrote this on Twitter:
“The Redskins are a bad team. They are competitive but bad and like all bad teams, they find new and creative ways to lose.”
Case in point:
Three weeks ago in Dallas, the ‘Skins held the hated Cowboys scoreless for 58 minutes before surrendering a late touchdown pass to Tony Romo. Final score: Cowboys 7, Redskins 6.
Two weeks ago in Philly, the ‘Skins outplayed the hated Eagles for three quarters before their defense finally cracked under pressure. Final score: Eagles 27, Redskins 24
On Sunday in Landover, Washington outplayed the vaunted (and unbeaten) New Orleans Saints. They twice held a second half lead of 10 points before Shaun Suisham (who also missed a crucial field goal in the Dallas loss) missed a 23-yarder to force a 10-point lead with two minutes to play. The Saints forced overtime and eventually won it on a field goal. Saints 33, Redskins 30.
Ultimately, it didn’t matter that the Redskin offense racked up a season-high 455 yards of offense. It didn’t matter that Jason Campbell had his best game as a pro. It didn’t matter that the defense stymied the highest scoring team in the NFL.
What mattered was the final score. It was the same outcome as it was against the Giants, Panthers, Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, Eagles (twice), and Cowboys.
Moral victories won’t save jobs, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim Zorn is still gone at the end of the season and so is Jason Campbell. Their fates were intertwined the second Zorn was hired. They both already have one foot out the door and I only wish LaRon Landry could follow them.
If they had won these last three games, you could make a case for either of them staying (especially Campbell, who has been really good). But they cannot win close games. This is not a three-game virus we’re talking about. This is a sickness that has afflicted this team all season. They simply cannot win close games.
They are the Houston Texans of the NFC. If there’s a new and inventive way to blow a game, these Redskins are going to find it. Look no further than Sunday’s game:
Gaffe #1: Drew Brees throws an interception. The interceptor, Kareem Moore, hits the ground, bounces up, and runs about seven yards before he is stripped by Saints receiver Robert Meachem, who then returns it (untouched) for a 44-yard touchdown. I’ve been watching football for almost 30 years. I can guarantee you that I have never seen anything like that ever happen on a football field. I have never seen the momentum shift so fast like that.
Gaffe #2: There’s about two minutes left in the fourth quarter and the ‘Skins lead by seven. They have the ball on the Saints’ six-yard line. In comes (former) kicker Shaun Suisham. All he has to do is make the kick, which at a total distance of 23 yards is more-or-less like kicking an extra point. The Saints are out of timeouts. That means that if Suisham makes the kick, the lead jumps to 10 and in all likelihood the Saints suffer their first defeat.
Did he make it? Of course he didn’t.
Gaffe #3: And in a final, cruel twist of fate, Mike Sellers catches a pass from Campbell, is upended, the ball pops out, and the Saints recover and drive down for the winning score.
Good teams don’t make that many crucial mistakes.
The Washington Redskins are like the real cute girl that you had a crush on in high school. She would always talk to you. She laughed at your jokes. Sometimes she would allow you to take her out to a movie. But when it came time for a commitment, when it came time for her to choose a boyfriend or someone to go the prom with, she always chose another guy. And it would break your heart.
That’s the 2009 Redskins. They will keep it close. They will keep you hoping, wishing, and believing that they just might pull this one out.
But in the end, they snatch the rug right from under you and it breaks your heart.
The defense is good, until they absolutely need a stop. After Suisham’s miss, Brees marched the Saints down for the game-tying touchdown in a preposterous 33 seconds. The offense is good, until they absolutely need a score. 79 seconds were left on the clock for Campbell to drive them down for the winning score. The drive ended in an interception.
They are in the midst of one of the toughest stretch of games you can possibly imagine. Next up is Oakland, who has inconceivably won their last three games against playoff teams. Six weeks ago this game looked like a shoo-in.
Not anymore.
This is what you can expect from the Washington Redskins for these final four games. Expect them to be competitive. Expect them to keep it close. And expect them to break your heart.
One of the more popular definitions of the word “insanity” is to experience the same thing over and over and expect different results.
The Washington Redskins are a bad team. To think otherwise would be the very definition of insanity.
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A Sunny Day for a Stormy Franchise
Published: November 15, 2009
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On Wednesday the remnants of Hurricane Ida slammed into Virginia. Storms of this nature generally move fast. Not Ida. She lingered for three days. Cities such as Norfolk, Virginia Beach, and Richmond were battered with torrential rain and 50 mph gusts that knocked down trees, flooded streets, and made driving as treacherous as white water rafting. Homes were destroyed, 18-wheelers were toppled, and schools were closed. The Governor Tim Kaine declared a state of emergency. The rain was icy cold and it fell at a 45-degree angle due to the wind, making it especially cruel for those poor souls who had to travel by foot.
Close your eyes and try to imagine a monsoon in Siberia.
That was Hurricane Ida in Virginia.
A metaphorical hurricane has lingered in Northern Virginia, the eye of the storm centered at Redskin Park in Ashburn where Daniel Snyder lords over Team Turmoil. After yet another off-season shopping spree, local fans were optimistic about the prospects of their beloved team. They began the NFL season with outsized expectations and some NFL experts (let’s call them meteorologists) were even whispering playoffs. But then the season started, and the team’s sunny outlook abruptly changed. A loss to the Giants was to be expected. But then came a shoddy win over the Rams, a shocking loss to the Lions, and a spectacularly unimpressive win over the punchless Bucs. Redskin fans wanted to stand strong. They wanted to keep the faith, but the barometer was already dropping and dark clouds began to appear on the horizon.
And then without further warning, the Category 5 made landfall.
Four straight losses, four straight ugly losses that didn’t just knock the wind out of this team, it rocked this franchise to its very foundation. A state of emergency had been declared.
Washingtonians had seen losing before. After all this is a city that is home to the Washington Wizards. But never had they seen their beloved Redskins lose in such an embarrassing way. The team looked horrible. They played St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City in consecutive weeks. When someone is handed a task that is easy, they call it “gravy”. Those five teams were indeed gravy. The only thing that was missing was the mashed potatoes which those five teams were, in fact, much softer than. The tough part of the schedule wasn’t supposed to begin until the Monday night game at FedEx Field against Philadelphia. However, by the time the hated Eagles arrived in town, the storm that no one saw coming had already morphed into the proverbial Category 5 hurricane.
A four-game losing streak, coupled with two wins that felt like losses, had pushed this team to the brink.
A head coach was stripped of his power. A retired offensive playcaller was dusted off and given the reins to a struggling offense. A quarterback’s confidence was shaken and so was the patience of the team’s fanbase. Where was the leader in the clubhouse who demanded accountability on the part of his teammates? Where was the leadership in the front office who would assure fans that everything would be done to right which is now wrong? How did we get here? How did this team regress so fast? They were no longer competitive. They were an embarrassment. So naturally, the fans piled on. The national media (also known as the storm chasers) began to pile on.
The defense blamed the offense. The offense blamed the head coach.
And EVERYBODY blamed the owner.
The Washington Redskins had now morphed into Team Turmoil.
This is what made today such a welcome relief. Today, the surprise team of the league, the Denver Broncos came to FedEx Field on a suspiciously warm, 70-degree day. And on this day, for once, everything clicked. The Redskins Offensive Line, wracked with injuries and at this point held together by electrical tape, held on long enough for backup running back Ladell Betts to gain 112 yards. Jason Campbell played steady, turnover-free football. He completed a pass to 10 different receivers and he was a perfect 9-for-9 passing in the second half. The defense knocked Bronco quarterback Kyle Orton out of the game in the first half and held Denver to just 36 total yards in the second half. And Hunter Smith, the punter who had just returned from injury, threw a 35-yard touchdown pass to Mike Sellers in a moment of clever trickery.
When the smoke cleared and the storm clouds lifted, the Washington Redskins had ended their four-game losing streak, defeating the Broncos 27-17 in front of 85,000 ecstatic fans. It was the most points the team had scored since 23 games ago when the Skins scored 29 points in the second game of the 2008 season.
After watching Campbell struggle week-after-week, it was a relief to see the quarterback on the other side of the ball get knocked around like a pinata. Any chance the Broncos had to win this game ended the second Kyle Orton was declared inactive due to the ankle injury he suffered at the end of the first half. And in Orton’s place stepped Chris Simms who was completely overmatched by a team that, for the first time all season, played inspired football. You could see it on their faces, especially in the 4th quarter when the Redskins knew that victory was within reach. They could smell it. The fans could smell it. It is moments like this that makes sports so captivating. It is the collective moment when the players and the fans both can sense when they are on the verge of an improbable accomplishment.
Or was it improbable? Maybe we had the Broncos wrong. Maybe they are overrated. Maybe Josh Daniels isn’t the boy wonder.
But that’s a question for the storm chasers, the members of the national media, to answer. Because today belonged to the much maligned trio of Jim Zorn, Jason Campbell, and yes, Daniel Snyder. Today was a day when everything went right. Today was a day when the fans cheered instead of jeered. Today was a day when even the most outspoken Redskin critic of them all, John Riggins, could finally crack a smile.
I don’t know what weather tomorrow will bring. But I do know that for one day, the hurricane went away and the storm clouds parted like the Red Sea.
Today the sun shined. And it was a beautiful day indeed.
Read more NFL news on BleacherReport.com
Joke-A-Thon: Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings
Published: October 7, 2009
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So what have I been doing these last few weeks. Not much, certainly not any writing. But now I’m back with a vengeance and ready to go especially since my secret plot to blackmail David Letterman has been foiled.
So while my hot lawyer from the Czech Republic, Ivana Sue, tries her best to keep me out of prison, I think it’s time to churn out another critically acclaimed edition of the Joke-A-Thon!
Tonight’s subject, the Green Bay Packers travel to the Twin Cities to play against some guy named Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings!
8:01 It’s time for the ESPN pre-game show and Chris Berman has the eye of the tiger! He’s ready ladies and gentleman! The man is ready…to bludgeon you to death with about 1,000 bad puns, bad jokes, and bad metaphors.
Which reminds me, no one laughs harder at unfunny jokes more than Berman’s sidekick, Tom Jackson. He constantly amazes me. Its pretty obvious Jackson studied under the master, the honorable Kevin Eubanks.
8:02 Two minutes into the show and this is already shaping up to be a Brett Favre love-fest. Since I see how this night is headed, I’ve decided to record the number of times Favre’s name gets mentioned before the kickoff and compare it to the number of times Packers QB Aaron Rodgers name gets mentioned.
Gee, I wonder who will win!
8:20 Apparently Brett Favre must have died or something because ESPN just did a moving tribute to him complete with childhood photos and sad music. Poor Michael Jackson. All he had was a lousy tribute at the BET Awards and Madonna giving a self-indulgent tribute speech at the MTV VMAs!
8:21 This just in! Brett Favre is not dead! I repeat! Brett Favre is not dead!
8:22 Cris Carter just said this about the electrifying Viking rookie Percy Harvin:
“When he gets the ball, it can happen and it can happen fast!”
WOW! Great analysis Cris! Please keep it up! In fact I plan on using that killer line the next time I meet a girl in a bar:
“So why don’t we go back to my place. I got a bottle of Ketel One. And let me tell you something, after I drink Ketel One baby it can happen and it can happen fast!”
8:30 Pink is the color of the night as some players are wearing pink wristbands, cleats, and sideline caps in order to raise awareness for breast cancer. I strongly support their cause. And to show my support, I’m currently sitting on my couch drinking a nice tall glass of pink lemonade!
8:37 Is it possible for Jon Gruden to talk without giving you that “intense” look that he’s so famous for? He’s in the booth now and he’s giving the audience that “intense” look. Either that or he’s extremely constipated. Either way, every time he scrunches up his face like that he looks just like the violent, adulterous husband from the Lifetime Movie Of The Week!
8:38 Mike Tirico just said that tonight’s game has “so many storylines!”
OH REALLY QUENTIN TARANTINO? NAME ANOTHER STORYLINE FOR TONIGHT’S GAME THAT DOESN’T HAVE THE NAME BRETT FAVRE IN IT…
8:40 …STILL WAITING TIRICO! STILL WAITING!
8:41 Kathie Lee Gifford was nice enough to let her husband Frank out of the house so that he could film yet ANOTHER moving tribute to Brett Favre! This one is dedicated to the night Favre played the Raiders the day after his father died. I’m happy that he played a great game during a period of immense grief, but let’s stop with all the hyperbolic talk about him being “courageous” (Frank’s words).
First of all, it’s impossible for anybody to do something courageous without first sacrificing something. What Pat Tillman did was courageous. What Favre did wasn’t and if ESPN keeps this up I’m 1000 percent sure I’m going to be drinking Ketel One with my pink lemonade before this night’s over!
8:42 As promised, the final tally for tonight’s pre-game Favre-Meter is:
Brett Favre-43, Aaron Rodgers-12. That means Favre’s name was mentioned 43 times in 39 minutes, 29 when you subtract the commercials. DAMN! That’s a whole lot of Brett Favre!
8:44 Did you know Favre has a steakhouse in Green Bay? Kinda weird if you ask me. I wonder if they serve their eggs “benedict?” Get it? Like Benedict Arnold?
Sorry. Chris Berman wrote that joke!
8:47 Aaron Rodgers just completed a pass to Donald Driver (great porn name by the way). First down Packers!
8:49 Ron Jaworski just said that Packers TE JerMichael Finley “plays great in space.”
IN YO’ FACE BUZZ ALDRIN! YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON MY BOY JERMICHAEL!
8:51 Time for a commercial break. It might turn out to be craptastic but DAMN, the trailer for 2012 just made my jaw drop.
8:59 Arguably the biggest reason why I simply don’t trust this team is because I don’t think Brad Childress is a good coach. I just don’t. In fact he doesn’t even look like the head coach of a professional football team. Just look at him with that scratchy beard. He looks like he should be teaching driver’s ed or something.
9:03 TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS! Favre just threw a TD pass across his body to Visanthe “The Package” Shiancoe! 7-0 Vikings.
9:06 Jon Gruden just finished describing Favre’s touchdown pass and I swear it reminded me of Meg Ryan during that deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally.”
I’LL HAVE WHAT JON’S HAVING!
9:09 My dad, who’s watching the game with me, just got annoyed at this Brett Favre love-fest. He just said this:
“I’m rooting for the Packers because I’m sick of all this talk about Brett Favre. They act like he’s the greatest thing in the world. I bet if he walked out on the field, pulled down his pants, and peed in the endzone, those people would say, look at the beautiful arch of his pee. Isn’t it wonderful?”
9:10 Rodgers interrupts my dad and hits Jermichael Finley for a 67-yard TD. Tie game 7-7.
9:12 I just decided that I like Jermichael Finley. He’s tall, very athletic, and is the first person to ever be named after Jermaine Jackson, Michael Jackson, and Michael Finley!
9:25 Great catch by Greg Jennings who caught a ball that deflected off of Donald Driver followed by Brad Childress’ hilarious inability to throw the red challenge flag!
9:26 Replays show that Jennings didn’t actually catch the ball. Something tells me that Green Bay will use this momentum to make Minnesota pay.
9:27 Interception by Antoine Winfield! So, um…nevermind.
9:29 Time for a commercial break. Danica Patrick was just pulled over for speeding by a cop who looks like a Playboy model in this commercial for GoDaddy.com. That cop looks like she seriously wants to make out with Danica. What the hell is GoDaddy.com anyway? A web portal? A porn site? Ah, who the hell cares! KISS HER! KISS HER!
9:32 Time for a game-break with ESPN’s Trey Wingo. He informs us that Eli Manning is day-to-day with plantar fasciitis. Eli’s injury on Sunday against the Chiefs was the second goofiest, self-inflicted injury by a quarterback of all time.
Hey Gus Frerotte, no need to bang your head against a wall. YOU’RE STILL NUMBER ONE BABY!
9:39 TOUCHDOWN, FAVRE TO SIDNEY RICE! Favre pump-faked to his left and as he was backtracking, fired a bullet to Rice. In other words, vintage Brett Favre. Vikings 14-7.
9:51 BIG TIME PLAY BY PACKER LINEBACKER CLAY MATTHEWS WHO STRIPS ADRIAN PETERSON AND RUNS IT BACK FOR THE GAME-TYING TOUCHDOWN! I’M SO EXCITED I CAN’T STOP TYPING IN CAPS!
10:00 I’m a big fan of Percy Harvin. Not just because he’s the league’s most exciting rookie but also because he brought back the name “Percy.” That was a great name for the brothers back in the ’70s (i.e. Percy Sledge famous for the R&B ballad “When A Man Loves A Woman”). It just sounds like the name of one of J.J.’s friends from Good Times or one the bad guys in a Pam Grier blaxploitation movie. I
n fact what Percy Harvin should do is grow his hair out to a big afro and grow some sideburns like Shaft. And during his interviews he could talk like this:
“Hey, listen here blood. Dig this. If you think we gon’ let the Green Bay Packers win on our home field you must be one jive turkey!”
10:00 After Peterson’s fumble, Favre comes right back. He just fired a 42-yard pass to Percy Harvin. Cris Carter is back in the ESPN studio screaming, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU HUH? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT JUST HAPPENED AND IT HAPPENED FAST!”
10:01 Percy Harvin is one bad mother, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
10:03 Jaws just announced that Favre is bringing ENERGY and INTENSITY to this game. Jaws also said that Favre united the Vikings locker room, the state of Minnesota, and just this past weekend he united Iran and Israel.
Okay, I made that last one up.
10:06 I swear to God that Jon Gruden just said this about Favre: “I LOVED being associated with that guy and I MISS HIM!”
10:07 Gruden follows that up by belting out the chorus to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You!”
Okay I made that up.
10:29 Favre just completed a 26-yard pass to backup TE Jeff Dugan. I’m not saying that the Packers rush defense stinks but Favre had so much time in the pocket that he retired, flew back to Mississippi, filmed a commercial for Wrangler jeans, filmed another commercial for Sears, wrote a letter of apology to Eric Mangini, punched a friend of LeBron James, signed Michael Crabtree, appeared on an episode of Glee, called a press conference, un-retired, and THEN found Dugan wide open for a 25-yard pass.
In other words, the Packers rush defense stinks!
10:30 Favre to Bernard Berrian, TOUCHDOWN VIKES! With the exception of his Super Bowl win, I think tonight is shaping up to be the finest moment of his career. 28-14.
10:48 Donald Lee just dropped a touchdown pass on 4th-and-1. Yikes.
10:49 The Packers just failed to score a touchdown on four plays inside the Vikings ten-yard line.
HEY MIKE MCCARTHY! JIM ZORN JUST CALLED. HE WANTS HIS PLAYBOOK BACK!
10:56 Time for a commercial break. I am currently imagining myself as Vince Vaughn’s agent talking to him over the phone:
“Hey Vince, remember when you said you needed to do a terrible movie for a lot of money because you’re hurting for cash?”
“Yeah, so what you got Keith? Huh? Huh? What you got? I need the money baby! What is it huh? Wedding Crashers 2? Dodgeball 2? The Break Up 2?”
“Nah. This one is even worse. I mean it’s the worst script I’ve read this year but you’ll make a lot of money. It’s called…COUPLES RETREAT!”
“Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! You da man Keith!”
11:00 You know it’s funny how Jaws keeps referring to Adrian Peterson as a “violent” running back. What does that mean? Is he going to jump out of the bushes and stab somebody like O.J.? Is he going to pull out a gun and shoot A.J. Hawk like Billy Blanks in The Last Boy Scout?
11:17 And Rodgers is sacked again! This time for a safety. That’s seven times he’s been sacked tonight and the 19th time he’s been sacked this year. WOW! Rodgers has spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton!
11:24 Rodgers just found Jordy Nelson for a touchdown. The 2-point conversion fails. Vikings 30, Packers 20
11:24 Wait a minute…Jordy Nelson?…didn’t he used to be a member of the Backstreet Boys?
11:45 Ballgame: The Pack tack on a cheap field goal but, ultimately, they go down in flames: 30-23. Fantastic game for Brett Favre: 21-for-24, 271 yards, and three touchdowns. Aaron Rodgers, in spite of running for his life more times than Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, finished with a career-high 384 yards. But don’t be fooled, Rodgers held onto the ball for too long, thus the eight sacks.
11:46 Favre and Rodgers talk briefly at midfield. I don’t know what they’re saying but I’m hoping that their dialogue matches the Kung Fu-inspired dialogue that’s in my head.
Favre: “You betrayed me young grasshopper. So I had to teach you a lesson!”
Rodgers: “Please forgive me Master Favre. I am so ashamed.”
Favre: “I shall let you live this time. But in one month, we will meet again. And at that time, we shall fight, to the death!”
11:47 The Brett Favre love-fest comes to a merciful end. As Favre is leaving the field he blows a kiss to his wife Deanna. Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws must have thought that kiss was meant for them because they all fainted at the same time!
Okay, Okay I made that up too!
Read more NFL news on BleacherReport.com
Joke-A-Thon: Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings
Published: October 7, 2009
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So what have I been doing these last few weeks. Not much, certainly not any writing. But now I’m back with a vengeance and ready to go especially since my secret plot to blackmail David Letterman has been foiled.
So while my hot lawyer from the Czech Republic, Ivana Sue, tries her best to keep me out of prison, I think it’s time to churn out another critically acclaimed edition of the Joke-A-Thon!
Tonight’s subject, the Green Bay Packers travel to the Twin Cities to play against some guy named Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings!
8:01 It’s time for the ESPN pre-game show and Chris Berman has the eye of the tiger! He’s ready ladies and gentleman! The man is ready…to bludgeon you to death with about 1,000 bad puns, bad jokes, and bad metaphors.
Which reminds me, no one laughs harder at unfunny jokes more than Berman’s sidekick, Tom Jackson. He constantly amazes me. Its pretty obvious Jackson studied under the master, the honorable Kevin Eubanks.
8:02 Two minutes into the show and this is already shaping up to be a Brett Favre love-fest. Since I see how this night is headed, I’ve decided to record the number of times Favre’s name gets mentioned before the kickoff and compare it to the number of times Packers QB Aaron Rodgers name gets mentioned.
Gee, I wonder who will win!
8:20 Apparently Brett Favre must have died or something because ESPN just did a moving tribute to him complete with childhood photos and sad music. Poor Michael Jackson. All he had was a lousy tribute at the BET Awards and Madonna giving a self-indulgent tribute speech at the MTV VMAs!
8:21 This just in! Brett Favre is not dead! I repeat! Brett Favre is not dead!
8:22 Cris Carter just said this about the electrifying Viking rookie Percy Harvin:
“When he gets the ball, it can happen and it can happen fast!”
WOW! Great analysis Cris! Please keep it up! In fact I plan on using that killer line the next time I meet a girl in a bar:
“So why don’t we go back to my place. I got a bottle of Ketel One. And let me tell you something, after I drink Ketel One baby it can happen and it can happen fast!”
8:30 Pink is the color of the night as some players are wearing pink wristbands, cleats, and sideline caps in order to raise awareness for breast cancer. I strongly support their cause. And to show my support, I’m currently sitting on my couch drinking a nice tall glass of pink lemonade!
8:37 Is it possible for Jon Gruden to talk without giving you that “intense” look that he’s so famous for? He’s in the booth now and he’s giving the audience that “intense” look. Either that or he’s extremely constipated. Either way, every time he scrunches up his face like that he looks just like the violent, adulterous husband from the Lifetime Movie Of The Week!
8:38 Mike Tirico just said that tonight’s game has “so many storylines!”
OH REALLY QUENTIN TARANTINO? NAME ANOTHER STORYLINE FOR TONIGHT’S GAME THAT DOESN’T HAVE THE NAME BRETT FAVRE IN IT…
8:40 …STILL WAITING TIRICO! STILL WAITING!
8:41 Kathie Lee Gifford was nice enough to let her husband Frank out of the house so that he could film yet ANOTHER moving tribute to Brett Favre! This one is dedicated to the night Favre played the Raiders the day after his father died. I’m happy that he played a great game during a period of immense grief, but let’s stop with all the hyperbolic talk about him being “courageous” (Frank’s words).
First of all, it’s impossible for anybody to do something courageous without first sacrificing something. What Pat Tillman did was courageous. What Favre did wasn’t and if ESPN keeps this up I’m 1000 percent sure I’m going to be drinking Ketel One with my pink lemonade before this night’s over!
8:42 As promised, the final tally for tonight’s pre-game Favre-Meter is:
Brett Favre-43, Aaron Rodgers-12. That means Favre’s name was mentioned 43 times in 39 minutes, 29 when you subtract the commercials. DAMN! That’s a whole lot of Brett Favre!
8:44 Did you know Favre has a steakhouse in Green Bay? Kinda weird if you ask me. I wonder if they serve their eggs “benedict?” Get it? Like Benedict Arnold?
Sorry. Chris Berman wrote that joke!
8:47 Aaron Rodgers just completed a pass to Donald Driver (great porn name by the way). First down Packers!
8:49 Ron Jaworski just said that Packers TE JerMichael Finley “plays great in space.”
IN YO’ FACE BUZZ ALDRIN! YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON MY BOY JERMICHAEL!
8:51 Time for a commercial break. It might turn out to be craptastic but DAMN, the trailer for 2012 just made my jaw drop.
8:59 Arguably the biggest reason why I simply don’t trust this team is because I don’t think Brad Childress is a good coach. I just don’t. In fact he doesn’t even look like the head coach of a professional football team. Just look at him with that scratchy beard. He looks like he should be teaching driver’s ed or something.
9:03 TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS! Favre just threw a TD pass across his body to Visanthe “The Package” Shiancoe! 7-0 Vikings.
9:06 Jon Gruden just finished describing Favre’s touchdown pass and I swear it reminded me of Meg Ryan during that deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally.”
I’LL HAVE WHAT JON’S HAVING!
9:09 My dad, who’s watching the game with me, just got annoyed at this Brett Favre love-fest. He just said this:
“I’m rooting for the Packers because I’m sick of all this talk about Brett Favre. They act like he’s the greatest thing in the world. I bet if he walked out on the field, pulled down his pants, and peed in the endzone, those people would say, look at the beautiful arch of his pee. Isn’t it wonderful?”
9:10 Rodgers interrupts my dad and hits Jermichael Finley for a 67-yard TD. Tie game 7-7.
9:12 I just decided that I like Jermichael Finley. He’s tall, very athletic, and is the first person to ever be named after Jermaine Jackson, Michael Jackson, and Michael Finley!
9:25 Great catch by Greg Jennings who caught a ball that deflected off of Donald Driver followed by Brad Childress’ hilarious inability to throw the red challenge flag!
9:26 Replays show that Jennings didn’t actually catch the ball. Something tells me that Green Bay will use this momentum to make Minnesota pay.
9:27 Interception by Antoine Winfield! So, um…nevermind.
9:29 Time for a commercial break. Danica Patrick was just pulled over for speeding by a cop who looks like a Playboy model in this commercial for GoDaddy.com. That cop looks like she seriously wants to make out with Danica. What the hell is GoDaddy.com anyway? A web portal? A porn site? Ah, who the hell cares! KISS HER! KISS HER!
9:32 Time for a game-break with ESPN’s Trey Wingo. He informs us that Eli Manning is day-to-day with plantar fasciitis. Eli’s injury on Sunday against the Chiefs was the second goofiest, self-inflicted injury by a quarterback of all time.
Hey Gus Frerotte, no need to bang your head against a wall. YOU’RE STILL NUMBER ONE BABY!
9:39 TOUCHDOWN, FAVRE TO SIDNEY RICE! Favre pump-faked to his left and as he was backtracking, fired a bullet to Rice. In other words, vintage Brett Favre. Vikings 14-7.
9:51 BIG TIME PLAY BY PACKER LINEBACKER CLAY MATTHEWS WHO STRIPS ADRIAN PETERSON AND RUNS IT BACK FOR THE GAME-TYING TOUCHDOWN! I’M SO EXCITED I CAN’T STOP TYPING IN CAPS!
10:00 I’m a big fan of Percy Harvin. Not just because he’s the league’s most exciting rookie but also because he brought back the name “Percy.” That was a great name for the brothers back in the ’70s (i.e. Percy Sledge famous for the R&B ballad “When A Man Loves A Woman”). It just sounds like the name of one of J.J.’s friends from Good Times or one the bad guys in a Pam Grier blaxploitation movie. I
n fact what Percy Harvin should do is grow his hair out to a big afro and grow some sideburns like Shaft. And during his interviews he could talk like this:
“Hey, listen here blood. Dig this. If you think we gon’ let the Green Bay Packers win on our home field you must be one jive turkey!”
10:00 After Peterson’s fumble, Favre comes right back. He just fired a 42-yard pass to Percy Harvin. Cris Carter is back in the ESPN studio screaming, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU HUH? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT JUST HAPPENED AND IT HAPPENED FAST!”
10:01 Percy Harvin is one bad mother, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
10:03 Jaws just announced that Favre is bringing ENERGY and INTENSITY to this game. Jaws also said that Favre united the Vikings locker room, the state of Minnesota, and just this past weekend he united Iran and Israel.
Okay, I made that last one up.
10:06 I swear to God that Jon Gruden just said this about Favre: “I LOVED being associated with that guy and I MISS HIM!”
10:07 Gruden follows that up by belting out the chorus to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You!”
Okay I made that up.
10:29 Favre just completed a 26-yard pass to backup TE Jeff Dugan. I’m not saying that the Packers rush defense stinks but Favre had so much time in the pocket that he retired, flew back to Mississippi, filmed a commercial for Wrangler jeans, filmed another commercial for Sears, wrote a letter of apology to Eric Mangini, punched a friend of LeBron James, signed Michael Crabtree, appeared on an episode of Glee, called a press conference, un-retired, and THEN found Dugan wide open for a 25-yard pass.
In other words, the Packers rush defense stinks!
10:30 Favre to Bernard Berrian, TOUCHDOWN VIKES! With the exception of his Super Bowl win, I think tonight is shaping up to be the finest moment of his career. 28-14.
10:48 Donald Lee just dropped a touchdown pass on 4th-and-1. Yikes.
10:49 The Packers just failed to score a touchdown on four plays inside the Vikings ten-yard line.
HEY MIKE MCCARTHY! JIM ZORN JUST CALLED. HE WANTS HIS PLAYBOOK BACK!
10:56 Time for a commercial break. I am currently imagining myself as Vince Vaughn’s agent talking to him over the phone:
“Hey Vince, remember when you said you needed to do a terrible movie for a lot of money because you’re hurting for cash?”
“Yeah, so what you got Keith? Huh? Huh? What you got? I need the money baby! What is it huh? Wedding Crashers 2? Dodgeball 2? The Break Up 2?”
“Nah. This one is even worse. I mean it’s the worst script I’ve read this year but you’ll make a lot of money. It’s called…COUPLES RETREAT!”
“Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! You da man Keith!”
11:00 You know it’s funny how Jaws keeps referring to Adrian Peterson as a “violent” running back. What does that mean? Is he going to jump out of the bushes and stab somebody like O.J.? Is he going to pull out a gun and shoot A.J. Hawk like Billy Blanks in The Last Boy Scout?
11:17 And Rodgers is sacked again! This time for a safety. That’s seven times he’s been sacked tonight and the 19th time he’s been sacked this year. WOW! Rodgers has spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton!
11:24 Rodgers just found Jordy Nelson for a touchdown. The 2-point conversion fails. Vikings 30, Packers 20
11:24 Wait a minute…Jordy Nelson?…didn’t he used to be a member of the Backstreet Boys?
11:45 Ballgame: The Pack tack on a cheap field goal but, ultimately, they go down in flames: 30-23. Fantastic game for Brett Favre: 21-for-24, 271 yards, and three touchdowns. Aaron Rodgers, in spite of running for his life more times than Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, finished with a career-high 384 yards. But don’t be fooled, Rodgers held onto the ball for too long, thus the eight sacks.
11:46 Favre and Rodgers talk briefly at midfield. I don’t know what they’re saying but I’m hoping that their dialogue matches the Kung Fu-inspired dialogue that’s in my head.
Favre: “You betrayed me young grasshopper. So I had to teach you a lesson!”
Rodgers: “Please forgive me Master Favre. I am so ashamed.”
Favre: “I shall let you live this time. But in one month, we will meet again. And at that time, we shall fight, to the death!”
11:47 The Brett Favre love-fest comes to a merciful end. As Favre is leaving the field he blows a kiss to his wife Deanna. Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws must have thought that kiss was meant for them because they all fainted at the same time!
Okay, Okay I made that up too!
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The Idiot’s Guide to Week Three of The NFL
Published: September 25, 2009
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I dedicate this new and continuing series of NFL predictions to my buddy Anthony. He looked over my “10 Predictions For The NFL Season” and I swear his first question to me was:
He’s right. I’m an idiot. But actually, I prefer to be called “idiot savant” because it makes me sound like I’m a French fashion designer!
Anyway, I’ve always wanted to see how good I was at testing theories, predicting who will win, and what the scores might look like.
And don’t worry about my bad predictions from before. I just got off the phone with AT&T. Apparently, they had canceled the wireless Internet service on my crystal ball!
So glad I got that fixed! But before we get started, here’s a disclaimer:
These predictions are for entertainment purposes only. Keith Smooth will not be held liable in the event that you decide to wager your mortgage, child-support payments, IRA, 401K, Social Security, Medicare payments, or the money you were going to use to bail your 14-year-old son out of jail. And please be advised that if you wager and fail to pay, a couple of 300-pound Samoans will show up at your door with a Louisville Slugger and a box of razors.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Washington (-6.5) at Detroit: The Redskins didn’t deserve to win last week’s game against the Rams. That was embarrassing! If you consider yourself a “playoff” caliber team but all you can muster is nine points at home against a team with a rookie quarterback that hasn’t won a game since 2007, then guess what? YOU STINK!
And is Jim Zorn the worst at calling plays in the red zone? He needed a fake field goal to score a touchdown in the first game of the season against the Giants in Week One. Think about that for a second. If you’re calling fake field goals in the second quarter of the first game that’s a sign of desperation. That’s some crap Western Michigan would pull if they were playing at Michigan in September. But in the first week of the NFL season?
Last week, on 4th-and-1, Zorn called some corny halfback pass that Clinton Portis promptly sailed right over Chris Cooley’s head. You can’t get one yard against the St. Louis Rams? Really Jim Zorn? I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Detroit won this game. God, I hate the Redskins!
AND THEY ARE MY FAVORITE TEAM!!
Washington 19, Detroit 17
San Francisco vs. Minnesota (-7): I really don’t know what to expect from either of these teams. They’re both 2-0 but they’ve played four cream puffs, or as Dick Vitale would say “cupcake city baby!” I LOVE the contrasts in coaches. Mike Singletary is steely and intense on the sidelines. Meanwhile, Brad Childress looks about as comfortable as a driver’s ed teacher.
The 49ers are kinda frisky, and I love how they are winning games without Michael Crabtree. What a doofus! He should be playing right now, earning millions and eating at a fancy steakhouse. Instead, he’s stuck on his mama’s couch eating takeout from the Waffle House!
His decision to sit out for a big contract makes him about as dumb as Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Nope, I take that back. Peter is smarter.
As for the Vikings, they’re in for a tough one. But they’ve got Adrian Peterson, or as I like to call him “Purple Jesus!” As long as his back injury isn’t too bad, I gotta go with them.
Minnesota 23, San Francisco 17
Tennessee vs. New York Jets (-2.5) I LOVE the Jets’ defense! LOVE IT! Kudos to Rex Ryan who, as architect of the league’s most exciting defense, has shown that he has an appetite for destruction—and for pizza, and for ice cream, and for cheeseburgers, and for . . .
And if your name is Darrelle Revis and you totally shut down Andre Johnson and Randy Moss in back-to-back weeks, guess what? You get my vote as the best cornerback in the NFL. However, Tennessee is a desperate team. They are 0-2 after losing a game last week to the Texans that they had no business losing. If they lose this game, their season is over and they will be forced to watch from the sidelines as their rivals seek the fame and the glory.
You know, the same way Jon Gosselin watches Kate!
I fully expect the Titans, last year’s landlord of the division to evict the J.E.T.S. JETS, JETS, JETS from the home of the undefeated!
Tennessee 17, New York Jets 10
New York Giants (-6.5) vs. Tampa Bay: Gotta give Tampa Bay Quarterback Byron Leftwich credit. No other quarterback in the league has perfected the art of throwing a deep ball like Leftwich. And when I say perfected, I mean he releases the ball like he’s a javelin thrower in the Summer Olympics. The big difference is that the javelin thrower is more accurate (zing!).
You know who is accurate? Eli Manning. When the game is on the line there’s only three QBs I would want more than Eli: Big Bro Peyton, Brady, and Roethlisberger. That’s it! Giants fans won’t have to worry about any late game heroics this week.
New York Giants 27, Tampa Bay 17
Jacksonville vs. Houston (-4): In one of my many awful preseason picks, I confidently predicted that the Houston Texans would break out of their shell and assume the title as the best team in the AFC South. After the Jets pimp-slapped them in Week One, the air came out of that balloon faster than you can say “Matt Schaub!”
But how did they respond in Week Two? They went to the home of the Grand Ole Opry and dropped a grand ole 34 points on the defending AFC champs in the wildest game of the week. After watching Kurt Warner light up the Jaguars, let’s just say I’m expecting Houston to take this one.
Poor Jacksonville. What can be said about the Jags that hasn’t already been said about Arena Football, the WNBA, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Washington Nationals, Lindsay Lohan’s career . . .
Houston 30, Jacksonville 17
Green Bay (-6.5) vs. St. Louis: Is it me, or does 6.5 points seem awfully low? Maybe Vegas is not quite sure what to make of this Packer team. After losing last week at home to the Bengals, I just feel like they’re going to explode in this one. And the Rams are terrible. I can’t even be bothered to come up with a joke about them.
What do the St. Louis Rams and my six month-old niece have in common?
They both crap in their pants on Sunday afternoons (zing)!
Green Bay 30, St. Louis 14
Atlanta vs. New England (-4): This is another head-scratcher. Exactly why are the Pats favored here? Is this because of past accomplishments? The Pats look old and moldy. Tom Brady is still finding his way back. They have no running game. Joey Galloway was a terrible signing. Their defense is suspect.
Now, let’s look at the Dirty Birds. They have elite players at quarterback (Matt Ryan), tight end (Tony Gonzalez), running back (Michael “the burner” Turner), and wide receiver (Roddy White). This is one of the most dynamic offenses in football, and I’m not going to wager on the Pats’ defense.
Sorry Vegas, I’m not taking the bait.
Atlanta 24, New England 20
Kansas City vs. Philadelphia (-9): Sorry Chief fans. Your team will be totally overshadowed by the return of Michael Vick. Gotta give Philly sports reporter Phil Sheridan credit. I think he perfectly nailed the real reason why Andy Reid brought in Michael Vick. It’s a damn good article. You guys can read it here.
Speaking of Vick, this is a totally inappropriate joke I told onstage last month:
“When Michael Vick was asked how it felt to be back, he said it felt good. He said being a quarterback in the NFL is easy. He said it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.”
“What he neglected to mention was that Fish was the name of a pit bull he used to own . . .”
Eagles 24, Kansas City 16
Cleveland vs. Baltimore (-13.5): Cleveland is a basketcase and Baltimore might just be the best team in the NFL. Here are some amazing stats: Baltimore is averaging a staggering 406 yards per game in total offense, and they’re second in the league in scoring behind New Orleans. Joe Flacco has made the leap from a good rookie to an elite quarterback. And Willis McGahee has scored a league-high four touchdowns. In other words, they’re going to score A LOT of points this week.
Since the Browns are too dreadful to even talk about, the only amusing thing I can mention about them is the fact that Eric Mangini, according to Wikipedia, named his three sons after Rodney Harrison, Bill Belichick, and Brett Favre. Boy, I cannot wait for Belichick to have a son so he can name him after Mangini.
Baltimore 40, Cleveland 10
Chicago (-2.5) vs. Seattle: Here’s a sampling of the Chicago fans after Week One: “JAY CUTLER IS AWFUL! TRADE HIM! CUT HIM! WATERBOARD HIM! GET HIM OUTTA HERE!”
And here’s a sampling of the Chicago fans after Week Two: “WHAT A GREAT PICKUP! JAY IS THE MAN! KYLE ORTON AND REX GROSSMAN WISH THEY WERE THIS GOOD!”
Sports fans are crazy, irrational people. I should know. I’m one of them.
Peter King said that the dropoff from Matt Hasselbeck (who will miss this game because of a rib injury) to Seneca Wallace is as severe as the dropoff from Peyton Manning to Jim Sorgi. I personally would’ve said it was as severe as the dropoff from the old Melrose Place to the “new” Melrose Place.
I MEAN FOR GOD’S SAKE! ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ CAN’T ACT HER WAY INTO A PAPER BAG!
New Orleans (-6) vs. Buffalo: Why do I get this feeling that this game is going to be a bigger shootout than the gunfight at the O.K. Corral? Both teams can score, but neither team has a good defense.
Even though the Saints’ D leads the league in interceptions, it has more to do with the fact that Detroit and Philadelphia were forced to throw the ball because their defense was shredded early and often by Drew Brees and company. Through two games, Brees has been the the best player in the league, throwing nine TDs, completing 75 percent of his passes, and leading the league with a QB rating of 132.
The Saints might be without the services of Mike Bell (229 yards rushing). The New Orleans Times Picayune reported that Bell didn’t practice on Thursday and is doubtful to play on Sunday.
As for the Bills, I was critical of their attempt to bring back the ’90s by bringing back the No Huddle Offense. If I was Rick Pitino, I would’ve said, “Marv Levy, Jim Kelly, and Thurman Thomas ain’t walking through that door!”
I remember cracking a joke saying that since Buffalo is turning the page back to the ’90s, why don’t they bring back the Goo Goo Dolls while they’re at it! But of course, I’m an idiot. So far, so good. Trent Edwards looks confident, Fred Jackson looks explosive, and Terrell Owens looks insane.
BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, DIDN’T YOU?
New Orleans 34, Buffalo 30
Miami vs. San Diego (-5.5): Have you ever spent months trying to hook up with a girl? You liked her, she kinda liked you. You spent money taking her out on dates, and to the movies. You would pick her up when she had car trouble. You would spend hours on the phone talking to her. You were always there for her when she needed you. But she didn’t want you as a “boyfriend.” She wanted you as a “friend.” And then, without warning, the next thing you know she’s hooked up with some other guy whom she has known for all of 15 minutes! And now he’s her “boyfriend!”
And when you ask her why she wasted three months of your life if she was going to hook up with the first dolt she met, she just shrugs her shoulders and wants to know if you could still be her “friend.”
Well, that’s exactly how Miami felt Monday night when they held the ball for 75 percent of the game, and Peyton Manning and the Colts calmly took the game right away from them. The reality is that they should’ve won that game. The Dolphins didn’t just control the time of possession, they brought the time of possession home and cooked dinner for it and watched Netflix movies with it.
Four days later and I still don’t know how they lost that damn game! And I agree with color commentator Jon Gruden, who basically said that for all the buzz over the Dolphins and their Wildcat offense, it’s really too gimmicky to work consistently in the NFL (are you listening Andy Reid?).
As far as the Chargers are concerned, something about them feels off. They have an abundance of talent and yet it feels as if something is missing, something intangible. But then again, I’m not surprised. Norv “I Can’t Believe He Is Coaching His Third Team” Turner is the likely culprit.
San Diego 31, Miami 13
Pittsburgh (-4) vs. Cincinnati: The main reason why I’m a little late in writing my NFL picks this week is because I’ve been working on Willie Parker’s obituary. And then his mama and daddy wanted me to help with the funeral arrangements! It’s been more than I could handle!
And Steeler fans, can you explain the look on Jeff Reed’s face after he missed that field goal that should’ve won the game last week against the Bears? Was he crying? If I was Mike Tomlin and I saw my kicker crying I would’ve turned into Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) in A League Of Their Own:
“ARE YOU CRYING? THERE’S NO CRYING? THERE’S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!”
Mucho respect goes out to The Nati for beating the Packers in Lambeau last week. Now that the Bengals have a running game and what looks to be a half-decent defense, is Carson Palmer the team’s biggest question mark?
I kinda think he is. This game is HUGE for him. It’s definitely the biggest game he’s played in since that infamous playoff game against the Steelers four years ago. Everybody’s picking Pittsburgh, but I’m thinking upset.
Cincinnati 25, Pittsburgh 24
Denver (-1.5) vs. Oakland: This is my favorite line of the week. This is basically Vegas throwing their hands up and saying, “I have no freaking idea!” I agree. Denver is 2-0 and they lead the league in fewest points allowed, but they won on one of the flukiest plays of all-time in Week One, and last week, they beat a horrid team.
It’s impossible to know if Denver’s really any good based on their first two games. As for Oakland, they aren’t good. JaMarcus Russell is a bigger disaster than the Hindenburg. If I was Darrius Heyward-Bey and I wanted to see someone make an accurate pass, I would go to a hip-hop club and wait for a groupie to hit on me!
Denver 13, Oakland 10
Indianapolis vs. Arizona (-2.5) Vegas is giving these two teams a combined point total of 48, so they’re expecting a shootout. It’s definitely a fun Sunday night matchup featuring two hall-of-fame quarterbacks (Peyton Manning and Kurt Warner). I really don’t have too much to say except that NBC is on quite a roll with these exciting night games. So far, they’re 3-for-3. If only their regular programming was half as good. The only nights worth watching NBC are Thursdays and Sundays.
Arizona 31, Indianapolis 28
Carolina vs. Dallas (-8.5) HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS? I can’t remember the last time a stadium opened to such hoopla. It was like the circus had come to town, which is probably a good analogy, considering Jerry Jones is a modern day P.T. Barnum. And boy does he have a big-top on his hands!
And the thought of some punter nailing that scoreboard makes me giddy with excitement. It’s going to happen, and the fallout from it should be a lot of fun! And Al Michaels could barely control himself Sunday night. If you had your eyes closed as Michaels was describing the new Cowboys Stadium, you would’ve thought that he was talking about Megan Fox!
But a new stadium can’t hide the fact that the Cowboys are stuck with the same Tony Romo. I’m a New York Yankee fan and believe me, there’s a little too much Alex Rodriguez in Tony Romo. He’s great in the first three quarters, but when the pressure is on in the fourth quarter, I would not want Romo as my quarterback.
As far as the Panthers are concerned, their season hinges on this game. If they lose this, they’re down 0-3 and they can forget about the playoffs. John Fox, the clock is ticking on your coaching career. And speaking of the Panthers head coach, I have a morbid fascination with seeing him lose.
And you know why?
Because I want to see what it looks like when vultures pick the meat off a dead Fox!
Cowboys 27, Panthers 21
This was too much fun! See ya next week!
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Joke-A-Thon: The New York Giants Vs. The Dallas Cowboys
Published: September 22, 2009
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I’m a Washington Redskin fan so naturally I hate the Cowboys and the Giants. And because the Cowgirls are making their debut in that monstrosity of a stadium, I couldn’t let Sunday night go by without doing a joke-a-thon!
“So Jerry, how are you feeling? Are you nervous? Are you excited? I’m asking because all of that plastic surgery makes it hard for me to tell.”
“Jerry, do you expect that this beautiful new stadium will inspire the Dallas Cowboys to continue their proud tradition of not winning playoff games?”
“Jerry this new stadium has really softened your image with the fans. NBC just did a quick survey. We found that fans used to view you as very detestable. Now they think of you as mildly despicable. Care to comment?”
8:01: My favorite thing about this new stadium is that crazy TV screen which is the largest in the world. I would really love to see all the great Cowboy highlights on that screen: like Emmitt Smith rushing for a touchdown, Troy Aikman throwing for a touchdown, and Michael Irvin snorting a line of coke off a stripper’s breast.
8:04: The game hasn’t started so I’m watching the Emmys. Neil Patrick Harris is the host. He’s like that one cool gay guy everybody knows. And I’m not at all surprised that he’s gay. Believe me, if you agree to go by the name Doogie Howser there’s a 99 percent chance you’re gayer than Lance Bass!
8:08: Here’s a fun fact about the new Cowboys stadium. It’s the largest domed stadium in the world. It seats over 100,000 people. And it will be used to host big, heavily attended events like the 2010 NBA All-Star Game, the 2011 Super Bowl, and the 2012 Kennedy Family Reunion.
8:15: President George Bush just threw the ceremonial coin toss. Good job W. The only way this moment could be any more perfect is if somebody drops a Mission Accomplished banner from the ceiling!
8:20: Al Michaels just compared the new Cowboy Stadium to the old Roman Colosseum. Did Jerry Jones fleece the city of Rome to build that too?
8:26: Best line of the night (so far) at the Emmys comes courtesy of Julia Louis-Dreyfus: “We’re honored to present . . . the last official year of broadcast TV.”
Well played Elaine from Seinfeld. Well played.
8:28: Speaking of the Emmys, Jon Cryer just won best supporting actor for Three And A Half Men.
For those who’ve never seen it, its about three men (Magnum P.I., Sam from Cheers, and Mahoney from Police Academy) who try and raise a little girl and, wait, someone just interrupted me . . .
. . . apparently Three And A Half Men is a sitcom starring Charlie Sheen. Oh. Whatever!
8:29: Speaking of the Emmys (again), snipers are in the balcony waiting to take out Kanye West if he interrupts Jon Cryer’s acceptance speech.
“JON I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’M GOING TO LET YOU FINISH BUT THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST SITCOMS OF ALL TIME!”
8:44: John Madden is sitting next to President Bush up in a luxury suite.
How insane would it be if John Madden was our president? In fact I can imagine his press conference going a little like this:
Reporter: “So Mr. President. What are your plans for the war in Afghanistan?”
“Well we’re going to fly a few planes overhead and wait for the Taliban to show their face, then BOOM! And then our men on the ground are going to attack BOOM because their tough like tough-acting Tinactin. And then we’re going to bring in Brett Favre . . .
8:48: Cowboy running backs Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice are collectively known as a three-headed monster. If you want to see your own three-headed monster go to Taco Bell, order the chalupa, wait a couple of hours until you have to go to the bathroom, and . . .
8:52: Marion Barber scores the first touchdown at the JerryDome. 7-3 Cowboys.
9:03: Bruce Johnson just jumped in front of a terrible Tony Romo pass and returned it for a touchdown. 10-7 Giants.
9:06: Felix Jones fumbles the ball on the ensuing kickoff return. The Cowboys have now turned the ball over twice in a span of 6 seconds.
9:09: Did you know that the Cowboys just opened a new stadium tonight? I had no idea until Al Michaels just made his 41st reference to it!
9:26: Is it me or does Tom Coughlin have the single most evil-looking face in the entire NFL? I’m pretty sure its because he doesn’t have any eyebrows. With a face like that he ought to be stalking college coeds in bad horror movies directed by Rob Zombie.
9:27: I just decided that I’m going to wear a Tom Coughlin mask for Halloween.
9:28 Romo just hit Jason Witten for a touchdown! Somewhere Terrell Owens is seething. 14-13 Cowboys
9:35: Emmy update: Jessica Lange just won best lead actress for Grey Gardens which to my surprise has nothing to do Betty White’s sex life!
9:49: Justin Tuck is injured after Flozell Adams intentionally trips him. Where the heck is the flag referee?
9:50: You know I really like the name Justin Tuck. It sounds like something naughty that you do to Betty White when the lights are off.
9:53: Romo just threw a freaky interception that bounced off the back of Jason Witten’s foot and right into the hands of Giant safety Kenny Philips! Somewhere Terrell Owens is laughing his butt off. Grandpa Wade Phillips has a confused look on his face as if he just lost his car keys or something.
9:57: Giants WR Mario Manningham made a spectacular catch in the endzone followed by a bunch of bad jokes from Michaels and Cris Collinsworth about the new stadium. 20-14 Giants
10:01: Michael Lombardi from the NFL Network just tweeted that this is the second straight week that Cowboy cornerback Terrence Newman has been beat vertically.
It could’ve been much worse. Newman could’ve gotten beat horizontally.
10:02: Michaels: “We don’t want to overdo the opening of the Cowboys Stadium.”
Al, you and Collinsworth have made about 11,000 references to this new place in two hours. What could possibly give you that idea that you’re overdoing it?
10:06: First Plaxico Burress mention of the night comes from Collinsworth. This reminds me of a Plaxico joke I told onstage last month.
“We all know the story about Plaxico Burress. He was in a club. He had a gun in his waistband. It slipped, the gun discharged and he shot himself in the leg. And now he’s going to prison. That’s a sad story but there’s a silver lining to it. You know usually when a brotha squeezes off a shot from between his legs, he doesn’t end up in prison. He ends up on the Maury Povich Show!”
10:07: Halftime. I will now switch to the Emmys.
10:23: Sarah McLachlan is singing I Will Remember You during the “In Memoriam” portion of the Emmys. I hate her because every time I hear her sing I always feel guilty for not adopting a puppy.
10:23: They just showed a picture of Patrick Swayze and a picture of Michael Jackson while McLachlan was singing. It’s funny that they showed those guys back-to-back. It’s like they were saying: “Here’s a picture of the guy who played in Ghost. And here’s a picture of the guy who looked like Casper!”
10:30: Back to the game. The all-time attendance record for an NFL game is going, going, gone. Tonight’s crowd of 105,121 is the new record. Well actually the number is 105, 131 if you count former Cowboy Herschel Walker who has multiple personality syndrome.
10:31: Speaking of former Cowboys, Barry Switzer wanted to come tonight but he couldn’t because Jerry Jones refused to pay his bus fare.
Nate Newton is another ex-Cowboy who couldn’t make it. Apparently he couldn’t fit all of his marijuana into the new stadium.
And Pacman Jones sends his regards. He wanted to come but he had already promised his buddies that he would pistol-whip a stripper tonight!
10:41: A pass interference call on the Cowboys has the home crowd booing and Grandpa Wade Phillips has that confused look on his face again.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP HIM FIND HIS DAMN CAR KEYS!
10:48: We’ve been waiting and finally Felix Jones rips off a 58-yard run. I like Felix a lot. I haven’t seen a guy from Arkansas this shifty since Bill Clinton!
10:51: Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett lines em up in a four wide receiver set on the goal line and calls a QB sneak for Romo. Great call. 24-20 Cowboys.
11:00: Turnover-fest 2009 continues as Jake Delhomme, er, Tony Romo throws his third interception of the night!
11:01: Romo just threw his helmet in disgust.
11:02: Before it could hit the ground, Romo’s helmet was intercepted by the Giants and returned for a touchdown!
11:05: LBJ is in da house! No, not the dead Texan who was once president. I’m talking about LeBron James!
11:07: WOW! Giant WR Steve Smith just made a sick double move and caught a TD pass from Eli Manning! 27-24 Giants
11:08: I just came up with a new slogan for the next Geico commercial:
“Scoring a touchdown against the Cowboy secondary is so easy a caveman can do it!”
11:11: Emmy update: Mad Men just won for best drama. And in other shocking news, conservative Republicans hate Barack Obama!
11:12: In honor of Mad Men winning best drama, I’ve decided that tomorrow I’m going to smoke a bunch of cigarettes and say degrading things to women.
11:20: Michael Strahan just said this about Cowboy offensive lineman Flozell Adams (via Twitter):
“Flozell is known to trip people when he’s beat. NFL needs to fine him to stop that. Can hurt somebody which he already did.”
11:21: This is the tweet I sent back to Strahan:
“Your new FOX comedy Brothers looks so unfunny I’m surprised Tyler Perry didn’t produce it.”
11:29: After a spectacular run by Marion Barber, Felix Jones scores. 31-30 Cowboys
11:40: It’s a minute left, the Giants are driving, and the ‘Boys are in that awful prevent defense. What are the odds that Eli drives them down for the winning field goal?
11:42: “Super” Mario Manningham just made his 10th catch of the night off a deflected pass. Mario’s numbers for the night: 10 catches, 149 yards, and a TD.
11:43: That crashing noise you hear is the sound of fantasy football players across the nation scrambling to their computers to add “Super” Mario to their rosters!
11:44: After Eli casually drove the Giants down to field goal range, Lawrence Tynes is coming on for the winning kick.
11:45: Grandpa Wade Phillips calls a timeout a millisecond before the ball is snapped giving Tynes what amounts to a practice kick.
11:45: “HEY ROGER GOODELL, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU TO PUT A STOP TO THIS STUPID RULE THAT ALLOWS COACHES TO CALL TIMEOUTS LIKE THIS?”
11:46: Tynes easily nails the game-winning kick. Ballgame. G-Men win a wild one, 33-31.
Cowboy fans the reason why you will never succeed with Grandpa Phillips is personified to perfection with his terrible body language after Tynes hit that field goal. Seriously. Would you ever see Bill Belichick or Bill Parcells or Bill Cowher EVER react that way? Does anybody on that Cowboy team have 100 percent confidence in him? God, I hope not!
11:47: 105,000 Cowboy fans are solemnly walking out of JerryDome and towards their pickup trucks. The camera pans to Jerry Jones sitting in his luxury suite. He’s just sitting there, emotionless.
Then again, that’s probably just the Botox!
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10 Bold Predictions for the NFL Season
Published: September 11, 2009
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I am an NFL addict. And no, addict is not too strong a word. You should see me during the offseason. I watch the NFL Network with the same intensity of a man who watches the home videos he made with the ex-girlfriend who just broke up with him. I go through withdrawal symptoms like night sweats, body aches, and visions of Clinton Portis dancing in my head. I basically turn into Pookie from New Jack City.
And I use every opportunity to talk like Peter King, even when I’m watching Dancing With The Stars with my 70-year-old grandmother.
“OK Grandma. Here’s the three things you need to know about Shawn Johnson. She’s the best athlete in the history of the show. She’s an Olympic gold medalist so the pressure won’t bother her. And her cha-cha-cha to Michael Jackson’s P.Y.T. is one of the best dances of the season.”
“That’s nice Keith. Now when the commercials come on I want you to help your grandma find her dentures. I’ve lost my dang teeth again!!”
Now that the greatest sport in America is back, I can gladly get my weekly fix.
And without further ado, here’s my 10 bold predictions for the upcoming season.
The Washington Redskins will miss the playoffs and Jim Zorn will be fired at the end of the season.
As a Redskin fan, I have to mention my team first. After watching last night’s game, and seeing Ben Roethlisberger break the all-time record for most pump fakes, I’m convinced the addition of Albert Haynesworth will give us the pass rush we desperately need. Big Ben had all the time in the world to throw the ball last night because Tennessee couldn’t get near him.
Now that we have Haynesworth occupying so much space, Phillip Daniels, Andre Carter, and our electrifying rookie Brian Orakpo should be able to get considerable pressure on the quarterback. I love our defense and I expect it to, once again, be amongst the league’s best.
But our biggest problems will come from the other side of the ball. Last season the Redskins were the fourth worst scoring team in the league (16.6). Did we improve in the offseason? No. We still don’t have a proven No. 2 receiver. Our offensive line has more mileage than a 1967 Chevy. I’m afraid our infinitely likable quarterback (Jason Campbell) will be running for his life like one of those kids in the new Rob Zombie Halloween movie. It doesn’t help that we play in the brutal NFC East and that we play the toughest second-half schedule that we’ve had in years.
I predict an 8-8 season resulting in team owner Dan Snyder firing Jim Zorn and signing Mike Shanahan to the richest coaching contract in NFL history.
The New York Giants will win the toughest division in football.
I predict that three teams will make the playoffs out of the NFC North primarily because the teams in the NFC East will beat the hell out of each other and because the NFC East play a tougher slate of games than the NFC North. The last two seasons, no team in the NFC East finished with a losing record. I predict the same thing this season. There will be an 8-8 team, a 9-7 team, and two 10-6 teams. And the team that will win the division will be the New York Giants.
I have never been much of an Eli Manning fan. In fact, I used to joke that if you looked up the word Eli in a dictionary it would say “someone who is not as good as his brother.” I also hate the Giants receivers: Steve Smith? Domenik Hixon? Ramses Barden?
Sorry. Not interested.
I pick the G-Men to win the division because of their stout running game (Ahmad Bradshaw, Brandon Jacobs) and because I believe they have the best pass rush in the league. That defense was the biggest reason the Giants won the Super Bowl two years ago. With the welcome return of Osi Umenyiora to a defense that finished fifth a year ago, I expect New York to emerge as the last team standing in the league’s roughest division.
The Houston Texans will win the AFC South.
Waiting for the Texans to explode is like waiting for Bruce Banner to get mad and turn into the Incredible Hulk. Eventually, it’s going to happen. There’s too much talent down in H-Town for it to not happen. When Matt Schaub is healthy, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the league. The weapons he has at his disposal makes fantasy owners weak in the knees.
Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game. Steve Slaton had a monster rookie season last year. Owen Daniels is a terrific tight end. Kevin Walter is one of the best No. 2 receivers in the league.
Last year the Texans were the third-best offense in the NFL. If Schaub stays healthy and if the Texans improve their turnover margin (last year’s -10 was third worst), then I predict a division title for this young, hungry team. After teasing us with 8-8 seasons the past two years, now is the time for the Texans to get mad, turn green, and run over the AFC South.
Which I predict they will.
It will be a long season in Denver.
First the Jay Cutler debacle, followed by the Brandon Marshall debacle. Seriously, has any rookie head coach ever had a worse start to his career than Josh McDaniels?
I was shocked when the Broncos traded Jay Cutler. He’s a diva. He’s arrogant. He’s a spoiled brat. So freaking what? All the great players have ego issues. You simply don’t trade the best young quarterback in the league because he’s a diva! Just let him pout until he gets sick of pouting.
Kyle Orton is a decent quarterback and I feel that all of the blame for this season’s failures will be placed on him. And that’s not fair. The reason the Broncos suffered a catastrophic meltdown last season (they lost their last three games by a total of 58 points) is because their defense quit on the team (costing Mike Shanahan his job).
Did they improve their defense this off-season?
Well, their only marquee move was to sign 36-year-old free agent Brian Dawkins so I don’t expect to see much improvement.
And did the Broncos piss off somebody in the NFL’s front office? I was looking at their schedule the other day and a chill went down my spine:
October 4th (Dallas at home), October 11th (New England at home), October 19th (Monday night in San Diego), a bye, November 1st (at Baltimore), November 9th (Monday night at home vs. Pittsburgh), November 15th (Washington on the road), November 22 (home to San Diego), and Thanksgiving night (at home vs. the Giants).
Eight straight games against playoff contenders? What the hell? I ask again, did the Broncos piss off somebody in the NFL’s front office?
Even if they had Cutler, that 8-game stretch would still kill them.
Jay Cutler will be the biggest athlete in Chicago since Michael Jordan.
Kudos to me for finding out a way to include “His Airness” in this NFL column on the weekend MJ gets inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame. I know, this prediction gets a big fat “duh!” But I can’t get over how excited this city is to have him. I’ve never seen anything like it.
How long do you think it will take Lorne Michaels to bring back George Wendt to do the old “Da Bears” sketch on Saturday Night Live?
And how long is it going to take Devin Hester and Greg Olsen to become elite players?
One month? Two months? Immediately?
Few players in professional sports are worthy of the hype that they receive. Jay Cutler is worthy. He’s only 26. He has the strongest arm in the league, an enormous amount of swagger, and runs a better bootleg than Al Capone. So enjoy him Bears fans because that dude is an amazing quarterback.
The Green Bay Packers will lead the league in scoring.
Last season, Aaron Rodgers rewarded the Packer Nation’s faith in him by having a spectacular season (28 touchdowns, 4,038 yards, 93.8 passer rating). This season expect for him to be even better as a healthy Ryan Grant returns to his 2007 form. Last season, with Grant hobbled by hamstring issues, the Pack finished 6-10 including an embarrassing 1-7 record in games decided by five points or less. A healthy running game, led of course by Ryan Grant, will make them a much better fourth quarter team.
No other quarterback in the league has more targets than Aaron Rodgers. If you want to see an aerial show that doesn’t involve the threat of a plane crash, stay home and watch the Packers. Rodgers will divide his passes between Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Donald Lee, and the exciting tight end Jermichael Finley.
Last season, Green Bay had one of the toughest schedules in the league. Not so this year. The Pack play the Lions (twice), the Bengals, the Browns, the Rams, the Bucs, the 49ers, and the Cardinals. Not only will they lead the league in scoring, Aaron Rodgers has a great chance to be league MVP.
Brett Favre’s return to Lambeau will be the most hyped regular season game in NFL history.
The most hyped game in recent memory was on November 4th, 2007 when the 9-0 New England Patriots faced off against the 7-0 (and defending champions) Indianapolis Colts.
Brett Favre’s return to Lambeau Field as a Minnesota Viking will dwarf that. It will also dwarf Michael Vick’s return to Atlanta. The media will cover this game like its the Super Bowl. People will go crazy over it. And really, who could blame them? This Brett Favre tragicomedy is like a William Shakespeare play. It has all of the Shakespearean elements: greed, betrayal, revenge, envy. I have never seen anything like it before in all my years of following American sports.
The one thing that the NFL has over all the other sports leagues is that it has the best storylines. And no storyline could be better than the Super Bowl-winning, record-shattering quarterback, the single most beloved person in the history of the state of Wisconsin, going to the hated Minnesota Vikings. It’s like a storyline straight from Vince McMahon. The only thing missing is Favre, walking out onto Lambeau Field with the sound system blaring “Loser” by Beck as his former fans yell obscenities at him.
Now that would be great TV.
The Oakland Raiders will finish with the worst record in football.
A terrible owner (Al Davis). A head coach (Tom Cable) who punches out his assistant coach. A franchise quarterback (JaMarcus Russell) who must convince the league that he’s not a total bust. A respected defensive player who is refusing to show up after he was unceremoniously traded there (Richard Seymour). A schedule that has them playing the NFC East, a road game in Houston, and their final game against a Baltimore team that will be fighting for a playoff position.
Be afraid Raider fans. Be deathly afraid.
The Carolina Panthers won’t make the playoffs leading to John Fox’s dismissal.
As I was watching Jake Delhomme deliver the worst playoff performance in NFL history last December, I kept saying to myself: “I think his career is over.”
I knew he would play quarterback again, but I knew his days as a top-tier quarterback were over. There have been plenty of instances in which an athlete was so horrendous during a pressure packed situation that it caused irreversible harm to his career and that player was never looked at the same. The biggest one that comes to mind is Nick Anderson of the Orlando Magic who fell off the face of the Earth after he missed four free throws in Game one of the 1995 NBA Finals.
Anderson, a solid player before that, was never the same again.
Jake Delhomme is in that boat. The man turned the ball over six times in a playoff game! Six freaking times! I don’t think you can come back from that. I don’t care that the Panthers have a phenomenal running game, Delhomme is a bigger basket case than Danny DeVito in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!
I predict that Carolina, who has the second toughest schedule in the league, won’t make the playoffs which will end John Fox’s eight-year reign as head coach.
And who do I think will replace him?
Raleigh native Bill Cowher, that’s who.
The New England Patriots will defeat the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl.
The Pats, with the welcome return of Tom Brady, will regain their 2007 form. I watched Brady when the Pats played the Skins in the preseason and he looked awesome. He looked healthy. He had his swagger back. He was accurate. Like all the great players, he has this uncanny ability to inspire his teammates to elevate their level of play. Say what you want about Bill Belichick, but he is the best coach in the league when it comes to preparation. The Patriots are always prepared and Tom Brady, who in 2007 had such an incredible killer instinct that I wrote about it in my blog, is motivated to show the world that he’s back.
As far as the Patriots competition in the AFC is concerned, the Steelers running game has gone from bad to worse, the Titans looked poised to take a step back, the Ravens are missing a play-making wide receiver, and the Chargers are coached by Norv Turner.
As far as the Packers, their defense stunk last season. So what did they do? They went out and hired defensive guru Dom Capers who looks to install the 3-4 that has been so successful for him over the years. Remember the Packers play a lightweight schedule. And they didn’t go through a dramatic makeover like the Vikings who are praying Brett Favre doesn’t break down and the Bears who are still one offensive player away from being a contender.
What could be better than having a Super Bowl that features two of the most storied franchises in the NFL?
I tell you what. It’ll be the perfect ending to yet another wild and wacky season.
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