NFL: “I Bet I Know Where You Got Those Shoes”

Now more that ever, the NFL has evolved into a “I bet I know where you got those shoes” league.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, you are probably the kind of person who has asked the question at some point in your life—”What’s Jazz?”

Like they say, “If you have to ask the question, you’re never gonna’ know.”

Osgood and Brantley know what I’m talking about.

Ask Joffrion to comment on it during his podcast.

Yeah, it has become a league full of million dollar, escalade drivin’, diamond ring wearin’ shoeshine hustlers.

Hey, I’ve got nothing against someone trying to make an honest living and if you want to shine shoes for a living that’s a beautiful thing. I just don’t want this hustle to infiltrate the National Football League. It’s bad enough I have to put up with it in the French Quarter.

The art of shoeshine hustling can be traced back to 19th century Istanbul, Turkey.

If you have been to New Orleans, you all the know the scam.

The shoe shine shark will ask you if you want a shine. If you say, “No thanks”, he says “Betcha five dollars I can tell you where you got your shoes.” You say, “Sorry, no thanks.” Then, he persists, saying that he can not only tell you where you got those shoes but he can tell you what street you got them on.

The unsuspecting tourist takes the bet because he is certain there is no way the hustler can know such personal information.

Then the shoeshine hustler answers, “You got your shoes on your feet. And your feet are on Bourbon Street.” He hassles you for the five bucks until some mall cop chases him off.

This con is getting really very old and I, for one, never dreamed it would find its way onto NFL football fields.

It is a cheap hustle that has no business in the world’s most elite sports league.

Any sideline reporter has witnessed it.

You ever wonder what players are saying to each other at the line of scrimmage?

Wide receivers and cornerbacks exchanging menacing stares and yelling at each other, “I bet I know where you got your shoes.” 

Urhlacher and Lewis challenging Brady and Manning—”I bet I know where you got those shoes, pretty boy.”

We should have known one day it would come to this.

Fashionable footwear in the NFL dates all the way back to Johnny Unitas and his high-top black shoes. Peyton Manning ordered four pairs of those shoes and planned to wear them in a game as a tribute to Unitas until the NFL threatened him with a $25,000 fine at which point he relented.

Nevertheless, men were men and football players were football players in ole Johnny U’s day and you can be damned sure it never occurred to some linebacker to yell over the line of scrimmage, “Hey Johnny U, I bet you I know where you got those shoes.”

That player would have been tossed from the arena post—haste and rightly so if you ask me. He would have been labeled a pariah for the remainder of his playing days.

The great Joe Namath continued the trend in the late 60’s and early 70’s as he brashly stood out from the rest of his New York Jets teammates by wearing white shoes, rather than the traditional black.

This was quite the ultimate fashion statement in those days. Yet, football historians who have done considerable research on the subject, conducting hundreds of interviews and reading thousands of articles, can uncover not a single shred of evidence that an opposing player ever had the audacity to scream at Namath, “I bet I know where you got those shoes, Broadway Joe.”

In the early 80’s, New York Giants legend Lawrence Taylor remembers, “standing on the sidelines for our preseason finale against the Steelers when Mean Joe Greene came running out in his gold shoes, I thought, ‘Man, I’m in the big time now.'”

LT readily admits it never would have occurred to him to say,” ‘Mean Joe’, “I bet you I know where you got those shoes.” He knows full well what the implications would have been if he had.

Billy Johnson was one of the most electrifying performers in pro football. He did wild end zone dances after thrilling touchdown catches and his fashionable cleats earned him the moniker “White Shoes”. Although he enjoyed drawing attention to himself, no foe on the other side of the ball ever looked Billy “White Shoes” Johnson in the eye and declared, “I bet I know where you got those shoes, Billy Johnson.”

And my guess is that if someone had, “White Shoes” would have knocked him flat on his a**.

Today it is a common occurence.

Maybe it’s a sign of the times. Today’s narcissistic, ego-driven athlete.

You can bet T.O. has been involved in the shoeshine hustle with defensive backs more than a time or two.

Commissioner Goodell, put an end to this utter nonsense before it’s too late.

NFL shoeshine hustlers, find a new scam or get out of the league now. 

 

A 2009 New Orleans Saints Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook

 

In spite of reading thousands of pages of self-help literature on inspiration and positive thinking at a local bookstore built on the grounds of a former funeral home, I have not been feeling very inspired lately.

It just occured to me the other day that Aunt Mary’s casket  once laid on the very spot where today I read books like Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling and The Power of Positive Intention with a cup of Seattle’s Best in my hand, and I find this a bit unsettling although I continue to return in search of that one book that will change my life forever.

I realize the last time I felt truly inspired was when an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous blonde, a former TV anchor, ran for Congress. She talked a lot. And when she talked, she talked about really important things like honesty and integrity and our responsibility to future generations and I felt so inspired that I climbed to the top of The Circle Bar in New Orleans and hung a huge campaign sign from the balcony in an effort to boost her candidacy.

She lost to a man who admitted to stashing millions of dollars in his freezer and the man who stashed millions of dollars in his freezer then lost to a short Vietnamese man who was not as inspiring as the beautiful blonde.

However, my shrink says that there is hope for me. We both share a passion for football and he believes that once training camp opens at the end of July, I will snap out of my doldrums and regain that “spring in my step” as he phrases it.

As sports talk radio drones on endlessly about whether or not Roger Federer is the greatest tennis player of all-time—a subject I truly do not give a s*** about and am bored out of my skull by, I drive to the funeral home/bookstore and a book catches my eye right around the spot where I paid my last respects to Uncle Murphy—The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.

My thoughts turn toward the New Orleans Saints and worst case scenarios for 2009 and why there is reason for hope that the beleagured franchise may be able to survive and even thrive if any one of these scenarios occur.

 

Worst Case Scenario No 1: Drew Brees is lost for the year after being hit in the knee by a relative unknown Detroit Lions cornerback trying to make a name for himself in Week One.

So far Brees has avoided injury as a Saint while passing for over 13,000 yards in three seasons. His backup is Mark Brunell who is now as old as Methuselah. Nevertheless, take heart Saints fans. Remember Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson both guided teams to Super Bowl titles and I will take Brunell over those two any day of the week.

 

Worst Case Scenario No. 2: Reggie Bush pulls a hamstring or blows out a knee.

Even my shrink finds this scenario depressing. Bush has been injury prone in his first few years with the team and is a potential game-breaker—remember his two punt returns for TDs last year against the Vikings. However, this is a team that is replete with firepower—Brees, Colston, Moore, Henderson, Meachem, and Shockey and will light up the scoreboard with or without Reggie.

 

Worst Case Scenario No. 3: The Saints’ offense drops from first in the NFL to 20th.

With such a deep and talented group it is hard to imagine that this is even remotely possible. Yeah, you’re right. This is not even remotely possible. Forgive me for bringing it up.

 

Worst Case Scenario No. 4: Will Smith and Charles Grant miss the first four games of the NFL season due to suspension.

This is likely going to happen and Gregg Williams’ defense is predicated on pressure from the defensive ends. The good news is that two of the Saints first four opponents are the Lions and the Bills, and it is conceivable that the Saints could win those games with Tulane University’s starting defensive ends.

 

Worst Case Scenario No. 5: Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams has lost his mojo as a defensive coordinator and the Saints rank among the league’s worst defenses for the third consecutive year.

The way the defense responded to William’s aggressive style in mini-camp and OTAs suggest that the defense is primed to step up to the next level and despite their lack of success the last two years, there is no shortage of talent among this group: Smith, Grant, Jonathan Vilma, Sedrick Ellis, Bobby McCray, Scott Fujita, Darren Sharper, and Roman Harper.

A University of Oregon psychologist told Time magazine a couple years back that worst-case scenarios seldom materialize. He said something like 90 percent of what we fear never happens.

Then again, he is all the way over in Eugene eating granola bars and probably whitewater rafting with a girl young enough to be his daughter and in all probability has never followed a Saints season from start to agonizing finish.

 

Show and Tell: Sean Payton Speakseasy in New Orleans

As we battle through the dog days of Summer, engaging sports topics are few and far between: memorable sports deaths, famous second bananas, is Federer the best of all time?….blah, blah, blah.

I, myself, having been rendered delirious by the searing New Orleans heat that reached 104 degrees yesterday, engaged a homeless man in conversation about the death of Michael Jackson.

We both agreed that that the King of Pop’s invention of words such as shabooty and shamon are one of the things that made him such a special man in so many special ways.

Then, he asked if I could spare a few bucks for a Caramel Frappuccino. I politely refused and he uttered a phrase not suitable for publication, but he uttered it with the kind of pure contempt that you could not help but admire. If only NFL coaches spoke with such passion and conviction.

Speaking of coach and player speak,let’s take a look back at Sean Payton’s season-ending press conference on Dec. 29, 2008 and see what he said and then what actually transpired. Then, analyze a key player’s remarks following the last game.

After a second straight year of missing the playoffs, Payton did not indicate that any  major changes were forthcoming at the final press conference and defended defensive coordinator Gary Gibbs without giving him a vote of confidence. Payton was non-committal on the future of running back Deuce Mc Allister.

Payton on Dec. 29: “I’m not going to answer the question right now (on Gibbs’ future with the team) because I think the day after the season ends, it’s like ‘What’s Deuce (McAllister’s) future? Are you keeping Gary Gibbs? We’re not answering those questions.

It’s unfair. It’s unfair to Gary. It’s unfair to point out specific players and coaches.”

Result: Payton fired Gibbs about one week later after the Saints finished the season ranked 23rd in total defense and replaced him with high-profile Jacksonville Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams who is known for his aggressive 4-3 schemes.

Gibbs had the Saints defense ranked 11th during the playoff season of 2006. However, they fell to 26th in 2007 and continued their downward trend last year. Williams gained significant notoriety for building top-ranked defenses in Tennessee, Buffalo and Washington.

The Saints released the team’s all-time leading rusher Deuce McAllister on Feb. 17 following a series of knee injuries.

Translation: If the coach says tells the media it’s unfair to evaluate your performance the day after the season, you may or may not survive but it is probably a good idea to polish your resume and contact your agent.

 

Payton: “It would be easy to say, with where we finished offensively, we’re going to point to defense. Some of that might be true.But there are some things that we have to be better at offensively.

We had the opportunity to really put the game away at Washington (in Week Two) and we were unable to run the ball in a key situation. We were unable to get that key yard in Denver (in Week Three) So this doesn’t all just shift to one side or the other, (even though) it’s easy to do that. 

Result: Saints’ brass, clearly concerned about the running game, attempted to trade down in the first-round of the draft to acquire Ohio State tailback Chris “Beanie” Wells. However, talks with New England fell through.

GM Mickey Loomis says the Saints are not interested in Edgerrin James. Looks like the team may take its chances with Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush spelled by former Denver Bronco Mike Bell.

Translation: Payton knows Bush will never be an every-down back and he has his doubts about Pierre Thomas carrying the load but with Drew Brees and a cast of excellent receivers, he will take his chances with his current stable of running backs. 

 

Payton: “This is an important part of the year, because this is where a mistake made can set you back, or the right decision can set you forward. So we take it very seriously.”

Result: The Saints parted company with defensive coordinator Gibbs in favor of Williams, released McAllister and Mike McKenzie, arguably the best cornerback in team history. Age, salary and injury factored in the decision to part ways with McKenzie who could return down the road.

The Saints released FB Mike Karney and replaced him with former Patriot Heath Evans—a more nimble version of Karney. Veteran free safety Darren Sharper was added in free agency.

Translation: Payton and GM Loomis were under the gun to make major changes on defense- particularly on the coaching staff and in the secondary. If Sharper is just a shadow of his former self, he will be a vast upgrade over former safeties Kevin Kaesviharn and Josh Bullocks.

New defensive line coach Bill Johnson excels at teaching the game which will benefit rising stars such as Sedrick Ellis and Bobby McCray.

 

Defensive End Bobby McCray: We had a good scheme this year. I would rather see if we could just give them some new looks, just mix it up a little bit, kind of confuse the offense a little bit, just do some different things at times. Other than that Gary Gibbs did a good job calling plays. We’ve just got to execute our assignments.”

Result: Gibbs fired. Williams hired.

Translation: Obviously, McCray felt Gibbs’ defense was too “Vanilla”, too predictable. Williams is known for his exotic looks and formations. He believes in attacking from every conceivable angle.

In OTAs, McCray, a former Florida star, seemed to be benefiting from Williams’ unconventional style as he produced what would have been four sacks in live action. Williams transformed another Florida star, Jevon Kearse,  into an all-pro.

It’s all coach speak and player speak and as long as it is said with a lot of passion and conviction who cares whether it is true or not.

When Greed Still Mattered

The population of the New Orleans Saints front office is larger than some third world nations. Honestly, I lost count somewhere after 75.

Once, I worked for a nationwide organization and one guy handled PR for two states and did a damned good job of it too I might add. He was held in high esteem by his co-workers who often invited him to lunch at local “gentlemen’s clubs,” and was also held in high-esteem by the membership of his country club and the congregation of his church.

One person is not enough to handle Public Relations for the New Orleans Saints though and, in an odd way, I am somewhat proud that one person is not enough.

The Saints PR department consists of a Vice President of Communications, a Senior Director of New Media (Is there a junior director of New Media? Is there a Senior Director of Old Media), a Director of Communications, and a Media and Public Relations Manager? 

The lowest paid of all of these guys probably makes at least $50,000 year.

All these communication types but nobody is communicating. They never invite me to their parties or return my calls or send me a Christmas card or remember my birthday.

Yet, I must say, they are all solid citizens who wave at their neighbors, pay their taxes, volunteer at their churches, hold open doors for little old ladies, laugh loudly and slap me hard on the back when they see me, and never fail to inquire about how I am doing.

Now, I have spent several months analyzing what all these guys do but I still can’t figure it out, but it does not really matter does it? The new law in the National Football League is survival of the fittest. You either to do it right or you become the Detroit Lions.

As Gordon Gekko so eloquently stated in Wall Street, the point is ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good.

Greed is good.

Greed is right.

Greed works.

Greed illuminates, dissects, and captures the essence of the NFL spirit.

Greed in all its forms—greed for Super Bowl rings, lavish stadiums with corporate suites, billion dollar television deals, shiny new jets on the tarmac, dinner at Commander’s Palace, million dollar signing bonuses—has marked the meteoric rise of the National Football League.

And greed, you mark my words, will not only save the New Orleans Saints, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the United States of America.

The Latest From Saints Camp: No Running Game? No Problem

As the Saints prepare to wrap up OTA’s this Thursday, the dog days of Summer are here—the time between now and the start of training camp in July.

Let’s take a thumbnail look at New Orleans position-by-position:

Quarterback: Drew Brees has passed for over 13,000 yards in his first three seasons with the Saints and is regarded as one of the top five players in the NFL. At 30, he is younger than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. As long as Brees is healthy and in his prime, the Saints will have one of the top offenses in football, running game or no running game.

Running Back: Pittsburgh and Arizona reached the Super Bowl with rushing attacks that ranked in the bottom-half of the league. Sean Payton may be right when he says the running backs he needs “may already be in the building.”

It has never been more of a passing league with offensive coordinators spreading defenses out with three and four WR sets. Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush are expected to alternate as the featured backs with Mike Bell, who has been very impressive in practice so far, backing up Thomas and Bush. Questions about his durability abound, but Bush is lethal in space—two punt returns for TD’s last year against the Vikings.

Tight End: Jeremy Shockey is a controversial figure no doubt, but the organization loves his work ethic. He has been staying late after practice to work on his timing with Brees. Shockey needs to improve upon his production to justify the steep price the Saints paid for him. In OTA’s, Billy Miller looks more like an All-Pro than Shockey. Miller is catching everything. Shockey and Miller will both see extensive playing time as the Saints employ two tight end sets.

Offensive Line: Left tackle Jammal Brown is the keystone—two Pro Bowl appearances protecting Brees’ blindside. Jon Stinchcomb is underrated at right tackle and is equally adept at both run blocking and pass blocking. Jahri Evans and Carl Nicks will form an excellent guard combination for years to come. Some feel Evans is the best offensive lineman on the team. Jonathan Goodwin is no Jeff Faine but he gets the job done.

Wide Receiver: This will be the toughest cut. Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, and Robert Meachem will open camp as the top four. With Colston and Moore limited from injuries, Henderson and Meachem have stepped to the fore and are the Saints best deep threats. Adrian Arrington, Courtney Roby, Skyler Green, and Paris Warren will battle it out for the fifth spot. No lack of talent or shortage of depth here.

Defensive Line: This unit appears to be benefiting from the coaching changes. They harassed Brees on more than a few occasions during OTA’s. DE Bobby McCray had what would have been four sacks in game action. McCray may secure a starting position regardless of Will Smith and Charles Grant’s legal problems.

DT Sedrick Ellis, last year’s number one pick out of USC, admits he is learning a lot from new defensive line coach Bill Johnson. Look for Ellis to shine in defensive coordinator Gregg Williams’ scheme.

Linebackers: Jonathan Vilma lived up to expectations after arriving from the New York Jets one year ago. He uses his slashing speed to make plays sideline-to-sideline. Starting SLB Scott Fujita is athletic, under-rated and under-appreciated. Scott Shanle, Mark Simoneau, and Jo-Lonn Dunbar will compete on the weak-side. Look for Dunbar to steal the job from veterans Shanle and Simoneau.

Cornerbacks: Jabari Greer is the hottest. Randall Gay is the most consistent. Tracy Porter displayed potential before a season-ending injury one year ago. First-round pick Malcolm Jenkins will start in nickel and dime packages. Porter and Greer are the fastest of the group, Gay and Jenkins are the most physical. Veteran Jason David has been a favorite target of Saints’ talk radio, but shows a nose for the ball in mini-camp and OTA’s.

Safeties: Sean Payton singled out Usama Young for his smooth transition so far from CB to Free Safety this week. At 33, veteran Darren Sharper will open the season as the starter, but Young and rookie Chip Vaughn should learn much from Sharper. Veteran Pierson Priloeau is currently backing up Sharper. SS Roman Harper will fit right in with William’s style of defense. Harper is physical and will be lining up next to LB’s and DL’s as much as DB’s. Chris Reis has been impressive in OTA’s.

Roman-A’-Clef: Harper Making Impression at Saints Camp

Roman Harper stole the show at New Orleans Saints mini-camp on Tuesday. The veteran strong safety had two interceptions and one sack.

Many players will benefit from new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams’ take-no-prisoners style, but perhaps none more than Harper. The scheme plays to his strengths: Harper is smart, tough and physical.

In the new Saints’ scheme, Harper will be spending more time lining up next to defensive lineman and linebackers and less time in the backfield. Harper struggled last year in pass coverage, drawing the media and fan’s wrath.

Alas, this is a new year with a new boss, and the new boss is not the same as the old boss.

In 2009, look for Harper to do a lot of blitzing off the edge through the “A” gap. Also, Harper will be attacking the line of scrimmage frequently in run support: a job he is well-suited for, given his physicality.

Harper loves nothing better than hitting people. He is a linebacker trapped in a safety’s body. Has that linebacker’s mentality. Probably learned it during his days at Alabama.

Says Harper: “I’m just trying to play fast and reckless. We’re going to be fast and physical this year and we’re going to let it all hang loose.”

Four-time Pro Bowler Darren Sharper, the starter at free safety, likes what he sees.

“Roman Harper has Pro-Bowl level talent,” says Sharper.

Speaking of Sharper, his best days are behind him as he will turn 34 in November. However, he is an instant upgrade over last year’s amateur hour: Kevin Kaesviharn and Josh Bullocks.

Sharper was a step late on some pass plays last year but he still has the ability to produce in the clutch. At Tuesay’s practice, Williams’ shouted praise in Sharper’s direction after the veteran executed a defensive call to perfection.

“I knew you saw it! I knew you saw it!” Oh, baby, you still got what it takes! Atta boy!”

Other observations from Tuesday’s practices.

Reggie Bush looks back to 100 percent following off-season knee surgery as he sprinted 15 yards on a draw play.

Bush says Williams’ new defense is “tough and physical ” and says it will make him a better running back. Maybe he is telling the truth or maybe he has a future in politics.

Jabari Greer is making a strong challenge for a starting cornerback position. Greer had two interceptions and one sack. Greer has good instincts, sound technique and excellent ball skills. Along with Porter, he is the fastest of the group at CB.

DeMario Pressley, last year’s fifth-round draft pick, had a sack from his defensive tackle position. Pressley missed the entire 2008 season following a foot injury. He is competing for the starting defensive tackle spot next to Sedrick Ellis.

Although Sean Payton says Joey Harrington is competing for the backup quarterback position with Mark Brunell, it is apparent he is not on the same talent level as Brunell. Harrington is prone to slow and poor decision making and has a tendency to put Shockey in a bad mood.

A sign that the Saints are a .500 team: On third down-and-ten, the defense jumped offsides. However, the offense failed to take advantage as Robert Meachem dropped a touchdown pass in the end zone.

“Long foul ball!” shouted Williams. However as former Saints quarterback Bobby Hebert astutely pointed out, in an actual game the defense would have still been faced with having to stop the offense on a third-and-five.

The Saints defense is making plays, flying to the ball, talking smack to the offense: a dramatic change from the passive Saints defenses of year’s past. Williams will keep the defense “Vanilla” in the pre-season then attack rookie Matthew Stafford from every direction in Game One.

Defensive end Bobby McCray is outperforming starters Will Smith and Charles Grant early in mini-camp. McCray has what would have been four sacks in live-game action: good news considering the looming four-game suspensions of Smith and Grant.

The Saints chances of winning the NFC South will increase exponentially for every week Payton is able to Shockey away from those Las Vegas Rehab pool parties.

Saints’ New D Shines at Weekend Mini-Camp

A few random observations on this weekend’s mini-camp:

The Saints’ level of defensive intensity is much higher under new coordinator Gregg Williams. The difference is evident: pressuring the QB from all angles, batting down balls, defensive backs stripping balls from receivers and running backs (and you thought the only stripping in New Orleans took place at those houses of ill repute on Bourbon Street)—all signatures of a Gregg Williams defense.

Robert Meachem looked like a first-round wide receiver. Drew Brees was quick to single out Meachem’s performance this weekend.

“Meachem continues to get better, not only physically,” Brees said. “He’s a big, strong guy who will get the ball for you. I see the confidence level starting to come out. He’s giving me that look for me to believe in him, trust him, and that he can make plays, and I’m liking that.”

Devery Henderson caught everything thrown his way. Henderson averaged 24.8 yards a catch one year ago. He continues to show improved technique along with soft hands and precise route-running ability. Brees’ confidence in the former LSU star has never been higher.

Former Denver Bronco Mike Bell is emerging as a leading candidate to assume the role of power back. He gained 677 yards as a rookie for Mike Shanahan a few years back before falling into Shanahan’s doghouse. Bell is playing at about 228 lbs.—about 10 pounds heavier than last year. He looked fast and light on his feet this weekend.

Bell and Lynell Hamilton have the definite edge over former Wisconsin star P.J. Hill and Herb Donaldson.

First-round CB Malcolm Jenkins got off to a shaky start, getting burned twice in one-on-one drills. He recovered with an interception.

There is a lot to like about the former Ohio State star. He has long arms that will serve him well when jamming receivers in press coverage. Jenkins displays good technique with a smooth back-pedal. His attitude is excellent. He took his exams at Ohio State early so he could attend the mini-camp.

The cornerback battle is wide open. Projected starter Tracy Porter needs to show more consistency. Devery Henderson beat Porter by seven yards on a bomb from Mark Brunell. Porter also dropped a sure interception. Veteran Randall Gay looks like the most consistent of the group. Jabari Greer had an interception and will upgrade the position.

Rookie punter Thomas Morstead was kicking the ball 60 yards with hang time. Maybe drafting a punter was not such a bad idea after all. Incumbent Glenn Pakulak has a battle on his hands.

If Will Smith and Charles Grant’s suspensions are upheld, Bobby McCray, Paul Spicer, and Anthony Hargrove will have to pick up the slack because a strong pass rush is everything on a Gregg Williams defense.

Drew Brees needs to stay healthy. The Saints are fortunate to have a veteran like Mark Brunell advising Brees, but his age is a factor. Joey Harrington played poorly this weekend and may be on his last stop in the NFL. He overthrew and underthrew Jeremy Shockey, almost causing the controversial tight end to fly back to Las Vegas.

Saints Fans: 10 Things To Be Miserable About

On November 1st 1970, the New Orleans Saints celebrated their fourth birthday with a half-time reenactment of the Battle of New Orleans. One of the cannons backfired, seriously injuring four participants. One of the actor-soldiers lost three fingers.

Later that year, Charlton Heston broke three ribs while filming the movie Number One, the story of an aging Saints quarterback who could not bring himself to quit. Heston found driving a chariot in Ben Hur was easier than quarterbacking the Saints in a movie.

Unfortunately, it was a harbinger of things to come.

An astronaut with no football experience as GM/Vice President. Hall of Famers past their primes. Squandered first round draft picks. Players arrested on Bourbon Street in those early years while defying New Orleans’ finest in front of those Houses of Ill Repute.

“Come on…no gun can kill me.”

Two playoff wins in 40 years. One of only five teams never to play in a Super Bowl.

Fr. Tony, pastor at Our Lady of Hopeless Cases, a small chapel on the edge of the French Quarter, said the other day that God often gives the biggest share of his Cross to his friends.

Saints’ fans wish he wasn’t so chummy with them.

 

Top 10 Reasons To Be Miserable if You Are a Saints’ Fan

1) Some of those glossy preseason preview magazines are hitting store shelves saying things like, “the Saints appear to be poised for a great year.” This is always a bad sign and a reason to lapse into major depression. When are those magazines ever right?

2) Jeremy Shockey passed out by the pool in Las Vegas last week. Shockey was not on the receiving end of any of Brees’ 34 TD passes last year. There have been rumblings that his teammates don’t like him very much. The Saints gave up two draft choices for a TE that the New York Giants managed to win a Super Bowl without.

3) Reggie Bush is overrated. The second selection overall in the 2006 NFL draft may not be the best running back on the Saints roster. He can’t run between the tackles. He’s injury prone. Bush will never be what Deuce McAllister was in his prime.

4) New coordinator Gregg Williams’ defense places a premium on a heavy pass rush by the defensive ends. Starters Will Smith and Charles Grant will miss the first four games after being suspended by the league.

5) The team wasted two All-Pro seasons by Drew Brees by failing to make the playoffs in 2007 and 2008. Brees passed for more than 5,000 yards last season, and the Saints were home for the holidays. Life just isn’t fair.

6) Robert Meachem, a No. 1 pick three years ago, is still not one of the team’s two best receivers. He ranks fourth behind Marques Colston, Lance Moore (a free agent) and Devery Henderson.

7) If Brees gets injured, the alternatives are AARP member Mark Brunell and Detroit Lions’ reject Joey Harrington.

8) Wake Forest star and fourth-round draft pick LB Stanley Arnoux was lost for the season in his first workout with the team at a position where the Saints are badly in need of an infusion of youth.

9) The team used one of only four draft choices on a punter, Thomas Morstead (Who does that?). The move was especially perplexing considering everyone is general agreement that Glenn Pakulak significantly upgraded the position one year ago. Well, who the hell knows?

10) SI.com predicts that the Saints will be one of six new playoff teams. Again, another kiss of death and another reason for misery and depression.

Welcome to my misery.

 

 

 

 

 

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