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Michael Vick Now Available to Any Team Looking for QB Downgrade (Satire)
Published: June 13, 2009
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Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land.
But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.
“We’ve actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now,” said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. “We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long.
“It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he’s going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they’ll never be able to plan for them all.”
Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn’t been practicing or anything while serving time.
Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.
“Wow, the things he can do with dogs,” said GM George Kokinis. “As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that’s just what this team needs.
“He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He’ll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played.”
Detroit Lions Try To Send Daunte Culpepper Down To Minors (Satire)
Published: June 6, 2009
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The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall No. 1 pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.
“What? We don’t have a minor league system?” said team president Tom Lewand. “Look, I obviously don’t know all that much about football from the results you’ve seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We’re not sure exactly where he went to, but he’s not with our team anymore, and that’s the important thing.”
Indeed, Culpepper’s whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.
Cowboys Suffer Startling Non-Metaphorical Collapse (Satire)
Published: May 5, 2009
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The Dallas Cowboys were stunned over the weekend as their practice facility in Texas collapsed during a rainstorm, injuring several people and frightening everyone inside. The team is unsure how to deal with the disaster, as they are usually only accustomed to metaphorical collapses during the season and postseason, despite having superior talent.
“I don’t know how to deal with this man,” said quarterback Tony Romo. “People actually hurt by falling debris…usually it’s just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer.
“This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to the kind of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we’ll show them they haven’t seen anything yet.”
Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.
What Exactly Does Mel Kiper Do the Day Before the NFL Draft?
Published: April 23, 2009
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Tomorrow’s a big day for football fans: the NFL draft offers fans the rare chance to act like they’re watching real NFL action during the spring. We’ve been through weeks of mock drafts now, but we only know two things for certain: the Bengals will blow their first pick and ESPN’s Mel Kiper, Jr. will be there every step of the way.
Tomorrow’s Kiper’s Christmas, and he knows Santa’s going to be generous with the mousse. Kiper’s been studying game film for months, and now he’s ready to dissect every player and every pick over the course of the two-day draft. Will his blustery rhetoric be accurate? Who knows? The beauty of Mel Kiper is that he doesn’t need to be right as long as he’s loud.
When your entire existence revolves around one weekend a year, though, how do you prepare for it? What does Kiper do to get in the zone the day before the draft? Luckily, after years of in-depth study, millions in payments to private investigators, and several restraining orders, we can finally reveal exactly how Mel Kiper, Jr. spends his NFL Draft Eve:
- 5:45 AM- Wake up. Polish his fake glasses, which are worn when on-camera to convince people he spends all his time reading up on and scouting players, instead of just looking up their scouting reports on the internet.
- 6:11 AM- Make sure strap is secure on hair helmet, both for looks and safety in case there is an accident riding his bike to ESPN headquarters.
- 8:38 AM- Head into the ESPN offices. Get three gallon-sized tubs of hair gel from Costco on the way, hope they last until at least lunch.
- 10:19 AM– Arrive at offices. Look at pictures of spread eagle draft prospects spinning slowly and touch random buttons on the screen in a holographic analysis chamber.
- 11:47 AM- Secretly add his small daily dose of untraceable poison to the bagged lunch of Todd McShay.
- 1:15 PM- Tape appearances on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN 3D, ESPNU, ESPN News, ESPN With Lime, ESPN Deportes, ESPN Classic, and ESPN For Kids to further talk about how Mark Sanchez is moving up everyone’s draft boards and has impressed in workouts for the 30th day in a row.
- 2:17 PM- Throw darts at freshly minted headshot of McShay.
- 3:31 PM- Sneak into closed ESPN archives to destroy all evidence of him hyping up Akili Smith, JaMarcus Russell, and receiver Mike Williams.
- 4:26 PM- Go to psychiatrist to explore the real reasons why he never moved on from analyzing college players to the NFL.
- 5:40 PM- Collect earnings made from major investments in hair product companies the week before he went on ESPN for the first time.
- 7:55 PM- Make further preparations on cave under house, for next week’s hibernation he will go into until emerging in March 2010.
- 8:09 PM- Hit on ladies at a local bar, making constant references to his world renowned “big board.”
- 9:00 PM- Spend 30 minutes in disbelief that McShay feels Jeremy Maclin will be drafted higher than Michael Crabtree. “He is NOT my protoge.”
- 9:33 PM- Return home after knowledge of college football players fails to impress any women, and use scouting tapes of games to do some in-depth “scouting” of the cheerleaders on the sidelines. The holographic analysis chamber may be used for this.
- 10:59 PM- Go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow he will be the biggest star in the sports universe, for one magical moment eclipsing all those other ESPN anchors like Stuart Scott and Chris Berman who chose to cover fields of sports that are of use for more than just two days per year.
